trouble (not me) on day 9 (me)

It’s 11pm on day 9. I’m sober! I’ve eaten SO MUCH today! Mainly sugary things. sigh. Oh well, it has helped me get past the wine cravings. I’m half watching a film, husband has gone out. He was going into town to meet up with a friend’s stag party…they had been to the races this afternoon but unfortunately the stag got arrested!! No doubt I’ll find out the full story when Mr W comes home, but I gather it has something to do with not paying the bar bill. So alcohol consumption was involved somewhere along the line. The person texting my husband earlier was obviously under orders not to let anyone facebook this turn of events, but a ‘subtle’ comment had already made its way on there. I don’t know the stag but I’m really glad Mr W wasn’t with them. It sounds like a bit of a nightmare. He’s just gone into the village with another friend instead.

So yes, I was thinking about wine earlier, but I’m so glad I didn’t cave in. I have been irritable the last few days, but when I do feel that way I have been trying to calm down and let it go. I feel so much better than I did last weekend. Not much about my situation has changed, but I think I’m a bit more able to deal with it.

I’m also trying to deal with things one day at a time. We go on holiday to Turkey on 1st August for 10 days, and I’m a bit apprehensive about the temptations to drink. But I’m not thinking about it too much (too involved with work at the moment to think about much else during the week anyway), and hoping that by that point I’ll have got the hang of being sober and the cravings will have decreased a lot.

Oh, there’s a night out for work next Friday which might cause me some anxiety. I can drive there though, which will be good. And its basically a meal in a French restaurant, so I could quite acceptably leave after the meal – I wouldn’t need to go to a pub with them afterwards. One day, I will get the hang of social occasions and learn to enjoy them. I don’t think drinking would reduce the anxiety in some cases anyway, so I might as well be sober and not have the next morning ruined as well as feel anxious. And its more or less a dead cert that I wont get arrested!

Sweet dreams x

rambling

Day 5 sober. The dark clouds are clearing a bit. I feel emotional in general, rather than just depressed. I got out of the car at work this morning and a colleague asked if I was OK. I couldn’t speak and she hugged me whilst I cried a little bit. But I got it together again.

Later, I was distracted by my little campaign to be put on the correct pay grade for my job role. Or should I say, get my job title amended to reflect the nature of the work I do. Perhaps my husband was right, I need to think about other things. Darn it, I hate it when he’s more sensible than I am!

But back to yesterday…I got all worked up in the morning because of the unanswered questions I have about what needs to happen before IVF treatment. I had emailed the fertility clinic with the details for the consultant at hospital, but heard nothing back (it had only been two days). I had a pain by my hip, exactly where the whole thing started off, last November, with the diagnosis of ovarian cysts (endometriomas). I have waves of anxiety when I get these pains, as I think the cysts are developing once again. The panic became too much, and luckily N and I were the only two people in the prep room, so I got my phone out and made an appointment to see the GP. I picked one of the lovely ones, a woman, so inevitably I have to wait a couple of weeks. But I decided I would rather see someone who I know will respond to me, not bat away my concerns. I’m hoping I might be able to get a referral to hospital, as I would like the fibroid removed. After making the appointment, I had one of my moments where everything comes tumbling out and N, patient and considerate person that she is, listens until I’ve finished. I felt so much better.

This morning (after making my mascara run before even setting foot in the building!) I looked at my phone and there was an email with an attachment from the fertility clinic. The attachment was the letter they have faxed to the consultant regarding what to do about that fibroid. I purposely didn’t read it until later when I’d got home. When I read it, the straightforward, businesslike tone instantly calmed me. Just one doctor to another, asking for a professional opinion. No nonsense. I still feel a lot calmer, but I do just wonder, even if the feeling is to leave it be, should I ask for it to be removed anyway? It may help alleviate the anaemia and the pain every month. Quality of life. A phrase that someone told me you should always use in the GPs office – apparently it’s one of those trigger phrases that necessitate action.

Another thing that has (oddly) kept me feeling a bit lighter…I have black hands where I accidentally stained them with silver nitrate (oops). Every time I look at my hands they’re all…well, black. I wonder how long it will last…Did I mention I want my job title re-evaluated to ‘senior’ technician?! Note to self, always wear gloves around silver nitrate – even when not opening the bottles – they may be leaking!

I promise I will think of a name for a new blog, I am on day 5 sober but rambling about other things…🙂

 

clinging on

Thanks for the comments yesterday, I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes sobriety seems a flimsy branch to cling to when I’m being swept away and its hard to stick at it. But you’ll be pleased to know I made it to day 3. 

I’m aware that’s a Good Thing, and I am in some way proud of myself. But I can’t see just at the moment, that being sober is going to help that much. That’s the funny thing about sobriety, it doesn’t fix everything else. I have to do that. And currently, it’s the cycles of falling into despair and depression, and having to pick myself up again, that are just so exhausting. I don’t feel as though I ever get anywhere with fixing my life, other than right back to where I started.

Had a big talk with my husband last night. It was a real effort to get him to say anything other than the usual ‘there’s nothing we can do but wait’, and ‘you’re your own worst enemy, you should look at all the things you’ve got going for you’. It makes me angry just typing that! He thinks that because there’s nothing we can do, we should just forget it and wait. I pointed out that I’m still no clearer about the fibroid. The secretary won’t let me have an appointment with my consultant (!!!) So I’ve had to send the office fax number to my doctor at the private fertility clinic so that she can ask him. This small aspect of the whole problem is, in itself, playing on my mind hugely. I think Mr did finally begin to see that I need a bit more love and support. I hope he remembers.

Another thing is that every twinge of pain (I get them a lot now) reminds me that the endometriosis could be messing up my insides again. I had a day off sick a couple of weeks ago because the pain was so bad. It wasn’t even that time of the month. 

So, I’m sober, and husband and I are now talking, but life still feels empty. 

Baby Raspberry? Dry July?

I’m back on day two again. Although it feels a bit shaky.

I drank a lot last week, I used the fact that we had my Aunty staying as an excuse. Then it was Carnival Day a week ago. And then it was my birthday on Wednesday. Which was a pretty rubbish day to be honest. And then, because Thursday was 30th June I just thought, well, I might as well drink tonight and then start Dry July.

But it’s not going great. I feel pretty low. And husband and I argued this morning. You know, sometimes I don’t know how long we will last… I feel like he made me wait so long for everything, just so he could be sure that it was all going to work out. And now I’m still waiting. Waiting for more surgery, waiting for September to have the Day 3 blood tests taken, just so they can check again my AMH level etc. Waiting to find out whether the fibroid should be removed. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I know I shouldn’t allow my life to pass me by whilst I’m waiting. And I am trying to do the things I need to do to keep things moving. But because husband and I have argued, there will be no work on the loft bedroom today. And no work on the patio in the back garden. He is just lying on the sofa watching television. To spite me. He’s showing me what it looks like when he does nothing. (I accused him of not helping round the house).

What should my life look like? And what should it look like whilst I am waiting? I always, always, always feel like I am lacking. I come up short, I fail. There is something missing from me, that is preventing me from having the life I want. Although I’m not even sure what that actually is….Yes I want to have a little family unit. But I’m not even allowed a dog for fuck’s sake, because I work full time. What I want my life to be like is so far from how it is. I think one day I might just give up.

 

 

 

 

 

Fidgety but hopeful!

Today is day two of being sober. My last stretch was 35 days and then I flailed around a bit, feeling sorry for myself and thinking I couldn’t cope with sobriety and infertility, all at the same time.

I was wrong. I mean, it’s not even a valid argument for continuing to drink, because the two things aren’t remotely related to each other. Drinking is not a solution to the problems we face, and yet I can’t expect things to magically fall into place just because I’m sober.

Drinking isn’t particularly enjoyable in its own right, either. I sometimes forget that fact when life seems hard, sober. I have chosen to drink recently because I wanted it to provide that relaxation and escape from ordinary life. But it’s a myth, doesn’t work.

It’s not easy, even though I’ve realised this. During the witching hour yesterday and today, I was fidgety and wanted wine. Told my husband I wanted wine, when he was going to the shop to get beer. Then changed my mind because I want to actually do this, I want to be sober. He said he was only going to get NA beers anyway. We had an argument when he came back with one real beer and a pack of alcohol free. I’m finding it hard, but I need to understand that he doesn’t understand how hard it can be when someone is completely able to do something you can’t.  He’s just not wired that way.

After reading some blogs of long term sober people, I’ve kind of reassessed what the sober thing is all about, and how I can actively create a better sobriety than before. I mean, I did it before, but I just didn’t manage to stay stopped. I felt that I was somehow hanging on by my fingernails too much of the time, which I don’t want to do again. I want to make my life just, well, fit me better, if that makes sense? Be more of an expression of my best self, and be able to self soothe with something other than booze, when life gets tough.

I’m looking forward to what each new day will bring, and really looking forward to building up some good sober time. ☺

How to be happy

For some reason I’m starting to remember snippets of my dreams again. I haven’t remembered dreams for months, years even. Although the drinking dreams used to come up now and again. Anyway, last night I remember talking to someone in my dream, and I was telling them I knew how to be happy. “You carry it around inside you”, I said. Meaning, it’s not what happens to you  that counts, its how you determine yourself to be, on the inside. Oddly, I wasn’t coming from the perspective of being happy, but just knowing how. Bizarre.

At the same time I was talking about my ideas, literally as I was still talking, I was aware of someone – a girl – by the side of me, who was telling anyone who would listen, she thought there was another way. It was kind of like, when you’re talking in a group of people, and there’s some talk across people, breaking off into other little discussions. But I could still hear. She was saying “You have to go out into the world and give it to people…” and the unsaid part was ….then you will feel it yourself.

Now, where all of this came from I have no idea. I mean, I have had a rocky couple of weeks. Last week I fell into a depression, which I might talk about later. It has started to turn around, but there’s a long way to go (isn’t there bloody always with me).

I know that being happy for me involves quitting alcohol. I don’t know how the rest of life should go. No idea. I think I like to be on my own; that’s bad for me…too much negative thinking (who knew). I fit in with only a very tiny amount of people, and don’t feel comfortable being with those I know less well. I feel less than, not good enough, like I don’t measure up.

I find it very hard to put down all the negativity, even though I would love to be able to walk out of my life as it is, and into a positive and fulfilling one. Infertility has complicated things, and added to the barriers that I feel between me and other people (barriers that may or may not actually exist).

I’ve decided that instead of counting days quite so much, waiting for them to stack up to some magic number, I’d be better off spending my sober time trying to get to the bottom of all this. Why do I feel so judged by other people? Do I think they are so different from me? Why don’t I have the confidence to find ‘my people’ if I (sometimes) crave the type of recognition and belonging that brings?

And on the darker days, the one I really struggle with is If I don’t find solutions to all of the above pretty quickly, and if I ultimately fail in my efforts to become a mother…How will I know I have a place in the world?

Sorry to end on such a negative note, I just need to get it all out there.

Baby raspberry..? Post #3 shifting down a gear. Again.

We went for a consultation at the private fertility clinic on Wednesday. It feels like weeks ago now.
The doctor we spoke to was lovely. But the results of my tests weren’t good. My AMH was 1.4, falling short of the 5.5 minimum expected of a woman my age. The scan showed 7 follicles, which is something at least. Although ideally I think they like to see 10. The really worrying thing for me was, that the fibroid, which isn’t particularly huge (about 2 – 3 cm), is causing a marked indentation into the uterus cavity. And the doctor was concerned that it may be interfering with the surface of the endometrium, which would be very bad. I did ask whether, if that was in fact the case, anything could be done to rectify it. But I can’t remember what she said. I will be emailing her with all the paperwork I have received so far from the nhs hospital where I’ve had my other procedures, so I’m going to ask the question again.

I’m strangely optimistic about the AMH level. I am convinced the only reason it is low is due to the effects of the Prostap hormone treatment I had for two months, which is still affecting my cycle. I am quite sure that AMH will return to normal after 3 or 4 cycles (when they choose to start up again, that is!!). In September, I’ll go for the day 3 blood tests, and hopefully that will show normal levels of AMH, FSH and LH.

The doctor was questioning the reasons for me having the fallopian tubes removed, as they didn’t pick up on any fluid in the tubes on the ultrasound can. Hence my sending all correspondence from the hospital to her (I couldn’t get an appointment with the nhs consultant, they were having trouble ‘fitting people in’) so she can cast her medically trained eye over it. I’ve worked out what most of it means but there’s some stuff I’m not sure on.

So more waiting. I’m really struggling, which is why I haven’t written for a while. I actually drank on Saturday night, after 35 days sober. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it but I just feel crap in general. I’m afraid to hope, really, is the long and the short of it. And feeling negative and/or trying to push everything to the back of my mind is very draining, day in, day out.