I had a small meltdown today at work. There were tears. I was listened to, and reassured. I feel better.
I know I’m not handling the work stuff perfectly but I am doing the best I can, and I’m trying to be as honest as I can be.
I did think of wine for about half a second, and then it passed. It’s becoming less like something I will actually do, and more like a leftover thought process that doesn’t go anywhere anymore. Like a dead end thought.
I’m hoping it will eventually disintegrate altogether.
If I drank now, I would have a lot more to lose. With each day of being sober, being further away from the last drink, I’m making more progress (I’m half stating this, half telling myself!) and I’d lose all that if I had a drink.
Which, ridiculously, makes me anxious that a) it might somehow happen by accident, that I could drink – as in unplanned by me and against my will. And b) that the increased risk, ie what I stand to lose, in itself might create more anxiety and therefore more of an inclination to drink…
Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard!
Is that my addict brain talking?
To a certain extent these 100 days feel like a tightrope. When I was not far off the beginning I wasn’t too bothered. Here in the middle, I want to rush to the other side and plant both feet on solid ground. Then again, if I rush, I might lose my balance and fall off…
Anyway, it’s all a bit strange out here on day 57, but I really don’t spend much time thinking about drinking. Here’s what Belle said in her email to me yesterday:
‘right around day 60 you’ll be thinking about NOT drinking a lot less….and really after day 90 things are significantly less weird.’
Good to know!! 🙂