a lot more to lose

I had a small meltdown today at work. There were tears. I was listened to, and reassured. I feel better.
I know I’m not handling the work stuff perfectly but I am doing the best I can, and I’m trying to be as honest as I can be.

I did think of wine for about half a second, and then it passed. It’s becoming less like something I will actually do, and more like a leftover thought process that doesn’t go anywhere anymore. Like a dead end thought.
I’m hoping it will eventually disintegrate altogether.

If I drank now, I would have a lot more to lose. With each day of being sober, being further away from the last drink, I’m making more progress (I’m half stating this, half telling myself!) and I’d lose all that if I had a drink.
Which, ridiculously, makes me anxious that a) it might somehow happen by accident, that I could drink – as in unplanned by me and against my will. And b) that the increased risk, ie what I stand to lose, in itself might create more anxiety and therefore more of an inclination to drink…

Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard!
Is that my addict brain talking?

To a certain extent these 100 days feel like a tightrope. When I was not far off the beginning I wasn’t too bothered. Here in the middle, I want to rush to the other side and plant both feet on solid ground. Then again, if I rush, I might lose my balance and fall off…

Anyway, it’s all a bit strange out here on day 57, but I really don’t spend much time thinking about drinking. Here’s what Belle said in her email to me yesterday:

‘right around day 60 you’ll be thinking about NOT drinking a lot less….and really after day 90 things are significantly less weird.’

Good to know!! 🙂


2 thoughts on “a lot more to lose”

  1. Nothing is wrong with thinking about a drink. In fact, thinking about it and realizing the down sides is one way people stay sober. They ” play the tape to the end”. What would the repercussions of drinking be? It is a good tool when the thought on one drink sounds nice. Think of how poorly that might turn out.

    57 days is fantastic. It’s hard not to wish away time, but enjoy today!


  2. I agree with Anne. I am very good at romanticizing the first drink. My alcoholic brain conveniently forgot how shitty every evening inevitably got, though. Selective memory? Maybe I used to think that the NEXT day would be better. You know, like hitting the re-do button. Except every night was quite unpredictable. The only thing that was the same was me romanticizing the first drink before the end of the day. It’s okay to think about drinking, but thinking it all the way through is helpful. Because, let’s be honest, there’s no such thing as just one drink. Congrats on 57 days! I guess it’s more like 59 now. Yeah!


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