I’ve got no idea what day it is now…am I close to 120? Not sure…
I’m thinking about wine hardly at all. I even bought a bottle as part of a colleagues leaving present, and didn’t think anything of it at all. This is good:)
What I’m a bit more uneasy about is a strange background feeling of shame that I’m having. It can wash over me suddenly a few times a day, and I usually try to block out the feeling straight away because it’s so unpleasant. If I put it into words it would be saying something like ‘who do you think you are? Do you realise how much of a fool you make of yourself all the time?’ Yeah, not pleasant.
Or other times, it takes the form of a memory of some past event when I have said or done something stupid or silly. I do try to ignore it mostly, as I said, but just thinking about it now and writing this down, I’m getting worried.
I worry that I am stupid and silly, and that I’m some sort of charlatan, thinking I’m doing well in my life, making good choices, but actually just a stupid girl who knows nothing about anything. It’s a very dark feeling. Different from the depression that I’ve been through in the past, but still isolating in a way. It makes me feel as though I’m not a good person, and that I have secrets to hide away.
I also worry that this feeling won’t go away. It seems to have been happening for a while now. It’s about time it stopped, but there’s no sign of that.
All off this is bizarre. You would think that by getting sober I would be feeling LESS shame. I remember when my drinking was very bad, I would purposely try not to get close to people so that they wouldn’t discover my shameful secret. Often, whilst talking to people – both people I knew and strangers – I would think to myself ‘I hope they don’t see what I’m trying to hide’. I felt guilty all the time because I knew my behaviour wasn’t normal, and I didn’t want to be found out.
But now I’ve quit (cue my mind having thoughts of ‘how long have we quit for?’) it turns out I’m still feeling a similar shame. About the past and present. How is that fair? I mean, I know no-one ever said life is fair but really! Shame is still here?
Is it social stigma? That must play a big part because now I’ve stopped drinking and exceeded the original goal of 100 days, I struggle to explain my reasons to the normal drinkers. Some of them seem fine with it, but I still feel judgement from others. And yet that could be all in my head – there’s no way to really know.
Or is it wolfie having a last ditch attempt at getting me to throw in the towel? Either way, it’s very uncomfortable, and I wish it would just go away!!