Maybe this is why I drank…

Well, that ‘happy sober life’ I’ve been looking forward to is ever elusive. I think I count days partly so that if anyone ever reveals at what point that magical transformation occurs, I will know how much longer I will have to wait 😉

By not drinking for the last 132 days, I don’t seem to have achieved much. How is my life better? I would really struggle to be able to come up with something other than ‘no hangovers’ at this point.

What I have done, though, is revealed a lot about myself that I don’t like. More often than I like to admit, I am filled with fear. Fear that I don’t fit in, have no friends, no one understands me. I feel hurt a lot of the time. I can’t seem to let any of it go because I’m too afraid. I worry that I will never make a success of my life, that no-one cares about anything that I do.

I try to make our home a lovely place to be, do all the things a wife does, but it all seems pointless because no-one but the two of us enjoy it, and even then, my husband seems to take it all for granted. And tells me I don’t take good enough care of the car! More jobs to put on the list!!

Is this low-level depression why I drank? I seem to remember that the odd glass (or bottle!) did provide a kind of relief – dragging my thought processes to a standstill so that I could just ‘zone out’ and have a normal conversation with my husband and forget any neurotic ideas I had about not being good enough/popular enough etc.

I used to think it was a good thing to have a mind that works like mine. I thought it made me better able to empathise with others, and to understand people’s pain, maybe even help. But the way all the bits of my life seem to be configured at the moment, how it all works right now, having a mind like mine doesn’t get me anywhere but depressed.

People don’t care if you are sensitive – it’s only ever a negative thing to the vast majority of people. If you need support, no-one notices, or even knows how to provide it. Hardly anyone knows what depression is, how it feels, and certainly no-one talks about it.

By stopping drinking, I’ve become more isolated. The loneliness wont go away. The fear won’t go away. I feel unable to let go of this suffering because…well why? I don’t know, but I just can’t seem to do it… :/

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3 thoughts on “Maybe this is why I drank…”

  1. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Have you reached out to friends or maybe thought about seeking out a therapist?
    Hoping all the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ok, try this one. ‘the art of happiness’ by the dalai lama and howard cutler. and have you listened to tara brach talks?
    between these two, I am a WHOLE NEW PERSON.!!!!!!!!!!

    Part One: http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/a/1/3/a1332a5870c6d8da/2014-10-15-Pt1-Happiness-TaraBrach.mp3?c_id=7755343&expiration=1414221573&hwt=69f3fbc82420253e8331b5b25a908299
    Part Two: http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/c/7/4/c7448d99c319cc96/2014-10-22-Pt2-Happiness-TaraBrach.mp3?c_id=7777957&expiration=1414220822&hwt=c993e440a97e363d7f65987fd6a94c3d

    thanks for your comment on my blog today. check out my writing at http://www.stopfryingyourbrain.com too if you want
    Lisa
    http://www.thecword-compassion.com

    Liked by 1 person

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