A lot has happened in the last week or so. I met up with my Aunty who was visiting this time last week, Mr W and I went to his father’s funeral last Thursday, and then I met my best friend’s new baby for the first time on Saturday. In between I was working, suffering with a cold and buying Christmas presents! So quite a week, with its share of ups and downs.
I feel calmer again. In spite of those ups and downs. Once again it feels as though being sober is actually helping me to handle things better. I had just as lovely a time seeing my family (probably more so), and drinking would only have made my cold worse. I would have been far more anxious about the funeral if I had been drinking, and I was able to support Mr W better, being sober and less focused on myself. Also, I quickly worked through a whole spectrum of emotions and settled on ‘I can’t wait to meet her’ when I suddenly had the opportunity to meet my friends new baby. I held her and fed her, she is gorgeous and tiny, and I’ve decided she will be my therapy, helping me be calmer around other babies too. And I hope so much that I will be lucky enough to have one of my own someday.
But for now, there are so many wonderful people in my life, and sadly, others I didn’t get to know as well as I would have liked…I think I am finding the connection I was in search of, with family, and friends I already have. I’m so grateful for them all. And for this feeling of clarity that I’ve found again.
If I say ‘how long it will last, I’m not sure’, that might sound pessimistic but that’s not what I mean…I’m beginning to realize that these feelings are cyclical in some ways, for me at least. So I will appreciate the calmness when I can 🙂