Well, I survived the festive season, and everything has calmed down now. I’m still sober, despite questioning the point of it last week. I wouldn’t seriously have drunk again for no apparent reason, but I was/am disappointed in how I feel. I had expected to have lots of energy around about now, be achieving all manner of wonderful things, and have lots of friends. None of that, however, appears to be the case.
But I’ve been doing what I’ve always been doing (aside from the drinking part, which I’m not doing!) So I guess I’m getting what I’ve always been getting. Although that’s not strictly true – I am more motivated to use my cross trainer, eat healthily and have a green juice once a day. I can’t really tell whether that’s helping or not, but I plan to stick with it for a while and see if I feel the benefits.
I find I’m tending to isolate because I don’t really want to participate in any more booze-related social outings. And I have a problem with shyness so very new social situations rarely even enter my head as a possibility. The result being that I’m often left alone with my thoughts.
One thing that did cross my mind when I was in the shower earlier (and you can all probably see this a mile off!) Is that I spend far too much time thinking negative thoughts. Feeling my way back into life and losing and healing have both written posts recently about the negative feelings that can come up at random, the negative self-talk, in some cases. ( I’ll put the links in later).
I was talking to my husband about it a few days ago. I was obviously deep in thought, and has asked me what was up. I said my brain just goes round and round and I worry and worry. He said ‘I know! I can practically hear the cogs turning!’. Then I said ‘I think maybe that’s why I drank- to make it stop’ and burst into tears….
Since then, he suggested that I consciously try to focus on thinking positive things. Which I haven’t done. But just now, something in amongst all of this thinking and worrying did stand out – I realized that I give myself too much of a hard time comparing myself to others. I mean, I did have some very clear moments last year of wanting to really be me, and knowing that sobriety is the best way to achieve that. But I really don’t make it easy for myself when I look at other peoples lives and berate myself because mine doesn’t look anything like theirs. And that can’t be any good for the shame issues I’ve got going on, either….
Sometimes I feel like my mind could be my greatest asset, yet it’s much more likely to be my worst enemy!!
Does anyone else have a brain that wears them out with this sort of stuff on a regular basis, or is it just me??!!!