180 days

On Saturday I reached 180 days!!

Belle emailed me, too! I hadn’t signed up for 180 days when I completed the 100 day challenge, but she was still counting for me, and included me in the Friday Celebration Roundup!

I went to the cinema with Mr W in the evening, and we saw The Imitation Game, based on the life of Alan Turing. It’s an amazing film, I highly recommend it if you’ve yet to watch it – I was riveted the whole way through.

Amongst other things, it really made me think about what we consider to be ‘normal’. What does a ‘normal’ person look like, what do they say, how do they act, how do they think? The film portrays Turing as having struggled socially early on, and into adulthood – partly due to (I think) suffering from some form of Asperger’s syndrome. I wonder if he did feel like he didn’t fit in, or maybe it didn’t bother him. I plan to read more about him, because I want to know more, and his genius mind fascinates me. I’m no mathematician, so I don’t understand any of it at all, but I’m interested in the way peoples minds work. Some people do think differently than ‘normal’ (whatever that is – I’m not really a fan!).

On the subject of feeling different to others, I read part of Susan Cain’s ‘Quiet’ last year (must finish it!), and felt reassured that it’s not a bad thing to be an introvert. It’s OK to not be a loud, sociable, people person. It might even be OK to admit that you like to work alone, rather than have to shout about how much you love team-working all the time! Deep down I know it’s OK not to be like everyone else. I like being a bit of a weirdo. But it’s not always that easy, that’s the problem.

Giving up alcohol didn’t really help initially. Sometimes, drinking was my way of trying to fit in, as I’m guessing it was for many others out there. So, take that away, and I have no way to fit in. Like Belle says, I felt like a clam without a shell. But why was I trying to fit in? There’s no way I can try to anticipate what will make other people accept me, so I was probably getting it wrong anyway.

Now, I would rather just be myself. I had a similar phase last year, of rediscovering myself. I think I got distracted over Christmas – I didn’t really know what a successful sober festive period should look like, and to be honest, I was a bit tense. Always thinking ‘I should be enjoying myself’, ‘I’m not doing this right’, and the old favourite, ‘what are they thinking about me?’….

I don’t know how many times I’ll have to re-realise this, but I like being me. It’s more interesting to be a bit weird, even if it does make life slightly more difficult sometimes. And even if the way my brain works in itself makes things more difficult sometimes! So I’m getting there.

A while ago, I was desperate for some kind of reassurance that ‘at day XXX you will feel better’. It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith that I would feel better, I just wanted to know when! Well, it turns out to be now. And I did before Christmas. And I’ll have tough days, weeks, again, and then I’ll feel good again. As long as I’m not drinking, everything’s going in the right direction.


8 thoughts on “180 days”

  1. I remember asking other people at AA when I was going to feel better. Every week I asked, and I never thought I would. It is such and eye opening process. It evolves slowly. I, like you have tough days, moments, but you are right, as long as I am sober, I am in the right place.
    Great post. Congratulations on 180 days!


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