‘You didn’t ask for chickens’

It’s half past midnight, and I can’t sleep. I’ve had an awful week. I feel like I work hard at work, I work hard at home, I’m lonely and I’m not getting anywhere. I do what I’m supposed to do, I don’t do what I’m not supposed to (ie drink), but its not working. I’m obviously barking up the wrong tree somewhere. Side note: I’m on antibiotics, I wonder if they can cause low mood?

This has all steadily built up throughout this week, and then this morning when I had trouble finding the projection of the image of the eclipse on a screen using a telescope, suddenly I felt horrendous. No use, crap at my job, I’ll never measure up, all that kind of thing.

When I got home I tried to explain to Mr W how I was feeling but all I got was a sort of ‘oh never mind, that doesn’t matter’. Which I took to mean that I don’t matter, how I feel doesn’t matter. So we had a row. And then I felt extra alone. Ugh.

I went up to bed early, and when he came up later, he apologised, which I was grateful for. I know he doesn’t have much patience for my lows, but I feel too fragile at the moment to just be dismissed. And he said something to me about my mum’s chickens. He’s collecting three chickens tomorrow from one of his customers, for my parents, and he and dad are going to get chicken wire and make a run for them. The coop is already in their garden. So anyway, he said ‘your mum’s really excited about getting the chickens tomorrow’. And I said ‘ I wish something good like that would happen to me’. Here’s the thing; he said but you didn’t ask for chickens‘. He might have been being facetious, I’m not really sure, but he’s right – I didn’t ask for chickens….

The truth is, I wouldn’t know what chickens I wanted. Or possibly even how to ask for them? I don’t know what I would like to have in my life to enjoy it more. I’ve always been a bit rubbish at that – having a bit of a dream, knowing what makes me happy. People always say do more of what you love, but what is that, for me?

I think I need to find out, or ask to be shown, because I’m definitely getting nowhere in my current frame of mind. Dear Universe, please can I have some chickens?

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12 thoughts on “‘You didn’t ask for chickens’”

  1. Hug. That is hard. To not know what you want.

    I told my husband once that often when I complained to home I really just wanted a hug. Not fixing my problems. No convincing that I am really ok.

    Just a hug.

    Sometimes, when I get this way, I ask for the hug. And now he knows that is really all I want.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, I also just need to know that I’m ok. I feel somehow wrong in asking for that from another person, but the alternative seems to be that I just feel worse and worse.
    Thank you for the hug, it feels so much better to know that I’m not alone. Hug. 🙂

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  3. It’s not the actual chickens that make a person happy. The getting of ‘stuff’ only takes us so far. It’s what’s inside us that makes us happy. Your mum is excited to have the chickens to nurture and care for. She’s giving back to something so it’s like a purpose. I imagine it would be the same with a pet rock. The rock doesn’t talk back but you love that damn Rock. You care for it. You want it to grow. Happiness won’t come from what we do for ourselves but what we do for others. Or chickens. And I have the flu so none of that may make sense at all. And if she’s got the chickens to feed them up and eat them for dinner, this could also impact on my philosophy! 🙂 Group hug ! Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, I know you’re right. I’m sorry you’re not well. You do make sense though. The chickens are for egg-laying purposes only, you’ll be pleased to know! One other thing, I did google the side effects of the antibiotic I am on, and amongst those that I found were irritability and depression. So the medication might be something to do with this particular bout of low mood. I have two more to take today and then that’s it. I’ll just sit tight and hopefully feel better soon.

      I also found some Tara Brach stuff which I think is very useful, I’ll post about it later.

      Thanks so much for ‘talking’ to me, you have no idea how much you’ve helped. 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am the same way. I want people to give me the things I need, but I don’t want to have to ask. My husband is supposed to be intuitive enough to know. According to MY way of thinking.
    I have never gotten chickens either, nor have I ever asked for them, but if I wanted them, he is somehow supposed to figure that out without me actually saying it. Crazy circular thinking for sure.
    In time you will figure out what it is you want, as will I, I hope. I do know one thing, it isn’t chickens. 🙂
    Give yourself time, it will come. At least that is what others keep telling me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mmm, how to know what I want, and then how to ask…? And you’re right, its not chickens!! I’m picking up a sense, from what I read about Buddhism, that maybe it doesn’t matter if I don’t _know_ what I want, rather, all I need is to be open to good things happening. And accepting of all of it.

      As you said, it will come in time. 🙂

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  5. I sure can relate to that low feeling, and it being all tangled up with not knowing what I want. I don’t get it as much these days, but it’s an old friend for sure. I do like what you say in a comment above, about the Buddhist approach, accepting rather than wanting. It’s a fine balance. I’m starting to ramble on here, so instead I’ll go think about this and then write my own post later. I just wanted to say I know the feeling well. And thanks for the thought provoking post. I hope tomorrow is a cheerier day for you! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the support. I look forward to reading your post. And finding out what today will bring…I feel relieved to have finished taking the antibiotics just in case they were contributing to any of that! X

      Like

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