It’s half past midnight, and I can’t sleep. I’ve had an awful week. I feel like I work hard at work, I work hard at home, I’m lonely and I’m not getting anywhere. I do what I’m supposed to do, I don’t do what I’m not supposed to (ie drink), but its not working. I’m obviously barking up the wrong tree somewhere. Side note: I’m on antibiotics, I wonder if they can cause low mood?
This has all steadily built up throughout this week, and then this morning when I had trouble finding the projection of the image of the eclipse on a screen using a telescope, suddenly I felt horrendous. No use, crap at my job, I’ll never measure up, all that kind of thing.
When I got home I tried to explain to Mr W how I was feeling but all I got was a sort of ‘oh never mind, that doesn’t matter’. Which I took to mean that I don’t matter, how I feel doesn’t matter. So we had a row. And then I felt extra alone. Ugh.
I went up to bed early, and when he came up later, he apologised, which I was grateful for. I know he doesn’t have much patience for my lows, but I feel too fragile at the moment to just be dismissed. And he said something to me about my mum’s chickens. He’s collecting three chickens tomorrow from one of his customers, for my parents, and he and dad are going to get chicken wire and make a run for them. The coop is already in their garden. So anyway, he said ‘your mum’s really excited about getting the chickens tomorrow’. And I said ‘ I wish something good like that would happen to me’. Here’s the thing; he said ‘but you didn’t ask for chickens‘. He might have been being facetious, I’m not really sure, but he’s right – I didn’t ask for chickens….
The truth is, I wouldn’t know what chickens I wanted. Or possibly even how to ask for them? I don’t know what I would like to have in my life to enjoy it more. I’ve always been a bit rubbish at that – having a bit of a dream, knowing what makes me happy. People always say do more of what you love, but what is that, for me?
I think I need to find out, or ask to be shown, because I’m definitely getting nowhere in my current frame of mind. Dear Universe, please can I have some chickens?