Hanging on

I’m not doing very well. I mean, I’m past eight months and still going, but I feel horrendous.

I almost feel like on the outside, I must look fairly OK. But on the inside I’m screaming in despair. I have removed the booze, in order to improve my life, to set myself up for success, if you like, instead of failure, but I’m STILL unable to  handle life, to create something I am proud of and happy with. It seems I still have a huge self destructive streak which is possibly even amplified without the wine. It certainly feels as though there IS something wrong with me if I can’t just get on with it like everyone else.

I have thought about drinking. Quite a lot. But its a strange sort of torture to even think about it because if I drank I would be throwing away all my sober time. So I don’t think I even can drink because I would feel even worse for giving up.

I don’t know what to do, I’m stuck but I’m also having to hang on for dear life…

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16 thoughts on “Hanging on”

    1. I suppose its possible I could be depressed. But I think I’m also worried about going back down the road of antidepressants. I’ve been there before and not sure I want to rely on them again. I’m hoping that if I can just hang in there, I will feel better…

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      1. How about some natural antidepressants? Vitamin d, light therapy (use a happy light and I love it), exercise, meditation?

        I do all these and still required an antidepressant. But I think I would be lost without all of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Me again. Sorry to butt in. I read back over your blog as I can’t keep anything straight. It seemed like at around 100 days you were seeing the life improvements that getting away from the booze can bring, but have been low off and on since.
        Do you have real life sober support? Have you gone to AA?
        If not, you might consider just trying a few meetings. I think you would find others who have the same feelings. I definitely do. The need to be the best at things I try, or not to try. The feeling o f detachment and being separate from others. And a lot of personal pressure to be better.

        That is all the voice of our ego trying to keep us trapped in dispair. So,etimes hearing others talk about similar feelings can be comforting that we aren’t weird, dofferent or alone.

        There is freedom for you. And relief.

        Anne

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      3. No, I don’t have real life sober support. I know where and when there is a meeting, but I’ve never plucked up the courage to go. I wish I could go with a friend, but they are also few and far between! You have really hit the nail on the head though. I cried when I just read your comment, so its obviously spot on.
        Part of me has given up on the idea of AA because I’m already doing a hard thing (staying sober) so I sort of ‘let myself off the hook’. I know its my own fault. I’m preventing myself from exploring another support. I’m just ridiculously afraid of going to that meeting.

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      4. I was ridiculously afraid too. I emailed Jean at unpickled looking for other ways. But I was so lonely. She encouraged me to be brave and just check out all avenues of support.

        Getting past my fear that AA was a cult, that I was going to be brainwashed, that people would stare at me, was hard.

        But loneliness is really really hard too. It makes life and sobriety seem not worth the effort.

        Go. Try at least a couple of meetings and see if you can find some help.

        I wish you lived near me. I would come with you.

        Email me at ainsobriety@gmail.com and I can offer a few other ideas for support.

        Conquering that fear and going to a meeting is actually pretty empowering. I actually like walking into the room and feeling like I belong.

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  1. Hi
    some good advice from Anne. i am still on AD’s, there is no stigma, and if it makes you feel better, than go for it. i wonder if you are doing any other meditative work ie Yoga, Meditation, swimming, reading, therapy etc. i dont think you should be feeling like this. ……
    hugs to you
    Lisa

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    1. Hi Lisa.
      You’re right. Maybe I have taken on board too much of my husbands opinion of antidepressants. He took them briefly, several years ago before he met me. In his case, it was more to do with a specific event that happened to him, and after a few weeks, he decided to just stop taking them because he didn’t want to rely on a tablet for a stable mood. Instead of his experience enabling him to relate to eg me, when I’m feeling depressed, he now thinks people ought to be able to think themselves better. Even typing that I’m getting angry, because I don’t think he truly understands how I’ve felt in the past…that there’s no thinking my way out of it.
      Perhaps I’ve let his view of medication cloud my own thoughts on it.
      Thanks, I will try some of your other suggestions too πŸ™‚

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  2. Thanks, Anne πŸ™‚
    What a mess of feelings I seem to be in. But you are right, loneliness isn’t helping anything, in fact its just making everything worse.
    I need to belong somewhere. I could do it, couldn’t I? You did it. πŸ™‚

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  3. I am sending you love and a big hug. I am also reluctant to go to a meeting, so I understand how you feel. But I keep going onto the website and looking up meetings, so I may be edging closer to the idea. If only I lived near you, we could go together… But I’m with you in spirit. And I am in awe of your sober time. Keep writing; I’m thinking of you. Annie x

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    1. Thanks Annie πŸ™‚ one minute I think maybe AA would be the answer and I should psych myself up to go to a meeting, but the next I don’t want to go because I feel like I would really be labeling myself as an alcoholic. Not sure whether I’m ready for that… X

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  4. Hiya. Wow. I feel for you so much. Firstly, the anti depressant thing. I didn’t think they worked for me but when I was taking them I was drinking as well. I know they can be life changing for many people. I take vitamin D, magnesium, zinc, vitamin B and some other adrenal relaxers from my naturopath. I am also in thyroxin as I have an under active thyroid. Have you had your thyroid checked? Agree with everything else that has been said about exercise and mediation as well. It’s life changing. And life necessary. Secondly, I used to be anti AA based on some stuff I had read. I never wanted to admit I was an alcoholic. My life changed the day I attended my first AA meeting. Honestly, my thinking had reached a black hole. I went to one meeting. One meeting. And woke up a new person. I realise this isn’t going to happen to everyone. But I would say if you tell yourself you’ll attend three meetings. Just three, to see what it’s like. I don’t think you’ll regret it. Our alcoholic brain doesn’t heal just by quitting booze unfortunately. There’s a lot more to it. Sending you big big big hugs. Love x

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    1. Thanks πŸ™‚ I appreciate the hugs and love πŸ™‚ I am considering both the antidepressants and AA. I need to work on my fear of going to a meeting. What you said about exercise also made me think – ‘it’s life _necessary_’. Very good point. I was making sure I got enough exercise at the beginning of the year, and I felt better than I do now. But somehow it fell by the wayside, and I never got back into it again.
      The second I read your comment I immediately made myself a green juice – that was another of the things that had been working for me back in January. And this afternoon I used the cross trainer.
      I need to see these things not just as a vague stab at healthy living, but as a way to maintain my wellbeing.
      x

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  5. Hi Waking Up,
    How are you now? Hope to find you well. I’m in no state to give any solace but I would like to mention this book from Dr. Mathews Larson who has taken the nutrients approach to depression. When we do not get the correct minerals and vitamins, oxigen, action and relaxation we might get to a state where we do not even have the physical ability to physically create happy hormons – that is serious, but not out of the question after heavy drinking.
    She also did a book on the nutrients approach to getting sober which I read. It is FANTASTIC! She explains very well how we, by drinking alcohol, have deprived our body of nutrients we need to feel able and happy. And today I read that a lack of vitamin B1 (thiamine) causes Beriberi which equals the trembling and forgetfulness alcoholics tend to develop. Beriberi actually is Singalees for ‘I can not, I can not’. I’m thinking I should take some extra vitamin B1 since I feel like ‘I can not’. πŸ™‚
    Also, if you don’t want to do all the difficult stuff with reading the book: taking 1 or 2 spoons of linseed oil a day, getting at least 20 minutes of sun without sunscreen, quit using margerine and change to olive oil and real, grass fed butter (margerine disables the ability of the body to create vitamine D through the skin), and adding multivitamin B to your toolbox might already make a difference if you happened not to use these already. This is the book: http://www.joanmathewslarson.com/HRC_2006/Depression_06/DepressionFree_TheBook.htm, you could also get the alcohol book and follow up. I think it should cover at least part of depression. You might want to skip the first chapters on how she got there because she has some unprocessed issues which are difficult to read. But please do continue because the nutrients stuff is marvelous. πŸ™‚
    Hope to have been of help,
    xx, Feeling

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    1. Hi feeling, yes I do feel a bit better, thank you πŸ™‚ I have booked an appointment with the Doctor (didn’t want to miss work next week so unfortunately the appt isn’t till Friday pm). But I also decided to try some of the supplements that have been mentioned… So yesterday I had a nice drive out to a health food shop (getting out in itself was good to do) and bought a combined calcium, magnesium and vitamin D3. Started taking it yesterday and I’m not sure if its causing my current brain fog or not?! I was exhausted last night but couldn’t sleep and eventually had weird dreams when I did sleep. Then I could hardly prise myself out of bed. I could just get back in to be honest… I will stick with it for a few days and see…
      Is the Joan Matthews Larson book Seven Weeks to Sobriety? I have got it, and I’ll have another look. It put me off when she suggested all those tests, and the great long list of supplements. But ive got a loyalty card for the health food shop now so no excuses lol!
      I never eat margerine anymore but I could switch to organic butter. I also take evening primrose oil and a good quality multivitamin with minerals (I read somewhere you should spend, rather than save on vitamins).
      I also drink too much coffee during the holidays, and I’m trying to cut down on sugar. I will stick with it though and try to find something that works. I wanted a solution that’s more ‘sustainable’ than antidepressants if that makes sense. So I’ll have to hope the GP is open minded and will discuss the supplement side of things with me.
      Thanks for the advice, feeling, its always a great help:-)
      Xx

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      1. Glad you are feeling better, apart from the fog… Primrose oil seems to be very good against, well, anything bad :-).
        And yes, Dr. Mathew has a long long long list of things to take and tests to do. I only did a big bloodtest and looked up signs for lacking stuff in the book and online. The tests are nice to measure but I thought I am not a scientific project that needs to show results, I can just follow up on the signs of deficiency I experience in my body. For me that was having no cravings first (check!), then lower the bloodpressure (check!) and sleeping through the night (check! for most nights), not having diareah anymore (check! for most days) so now I am experimenting with no suger days. Can’t really make it yet because of the shit I go through and having to develop a new eating pattern then. My taste has changed over time so there are no ‘treats’ for me anymore and that needs a serious change of mind (working on it).
        So, I have not taken all of the nutrients. I have however looked up on the net what food to eat more. By now I have come to learn that if and how people’s bodies are actually able to take it up has to do with their type and health.
        If I had the money now I would go through an Ayurvedic process. These Indian doctors know it all – but, they can be quite expensive when the insurance does not cover it. Orthomollecular treatment might be covered. That would be cool too. πŸ™‚
        I can imagine that you want a solution to be more sustainable. In my not so humble opinion, anti-depressants are poison. I’m not a doctor or anything medical but after seeing that my blood pressure DROPPED from high to normal with QUITTING the high blood pressure pills I have become very sceptical towards regular ‘medicine’. πŸ™‚ Well, time to come of my soapbox, but you know what I mean. πŸ™‚
        Hope your GP supports your healthy choices. πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling

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