Day 270

This week I went on an AMAZING course for work. I’d been to the same place a couple of times before, but this course was a bit more involved than the last one. It was about the new A level practicals in Science. I LOVED it!! Although I found being there – away from home for three days, with none of the normality of the evenings – very triggering.

I hadn’t expected that. Perhaps I thought the age range would be similar to the previous course I attended, with a lot of ‘younger’ people who would probably tend to go to the pub, the ‘older’ ones chilling out in or around the accommodation. But the course was mainly ‘older’ people (I’m sorry this sounds so insulting, but its hard to describe it any other way!) who had been to the centre before, and all wanted to go to the pub both evenings! I hadn’t been to the pub last time. In fact during the second residential (March 2014) I had just done dry January, and I wasn’t drinking during the week. And I didn’t break my resolution. A couple of the other women and I went to the (tiny) bar and I had a coke whilst they drank wine. It was fine.

So anyway, I stayed in my room in the evening. Maybe that was too antisocial, but I felt a bit of a pang for wine – going to the pub would have been tricky – plus the days were so full on, my head needed a rest. I needed to switch off, and not just by going to sleep.

I got back to school with such enthusiasm, which I do still have, but as soon as I got back I was informed that a new head of department has been appointed. Her job will comprise let’s say three roles, two of which she has never done before. I wont say too much, but I think they rushed into this. I mean the powers that be, not our department. And I worry about the future of the A level courses. Which are my favourite part of the job!! So I may have to put some feelers out in this summer term for a position elsewhere, where the A level isn’t under threat.

It doesn’t feel as though I’ve settled in at home yet, even though I got back a couple of days ago. Perhaps because my brain is working overtime with all this new information about work. The magnesium tablets are working, which I’m very happy about. In fact I’m probably happy because of it! And I’ve started to read the Joan Matthews Larson book about managing depression with nutrition. So yes, progress is being made. I feel I must write that because it’s a fact. Mustn’t overlook it, just because there’s no pink cloud. Things are normal. A normal amount of happiness, which is good, much better than before.

We have booked our trip to Paris too, which I’m really looking forward to. I know this sounds negative when I shouldn’t be negative, but the subject of money has come up in relation to this trip, and it just highlights my mine and my husbands differing attitudes towards money. Actually, a thought just struck me – I have to find a way of making that unimportant. Perhaps easier said than done, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about our financial situation. Then again, surely one of us has to!!??

And there have been comments (from him) such as ‘oh, we wont be able to have champagne together in the evening, or have a glass of wine on the Eurostar’. Which is very subtly creating a ‘planning a relapse’ mindset. I think it was Sacha Scoblic who wrote about that in her book ‘Unwasted’. I think, don’t quote me. She used to think up fantasies in her mind, scenarios so bad that relapse would be excusable. Like the world being taken over by zombies, or something along those lines. I know a trip to Paris certainly doesn’t require drinking, but as we all know, its incredible what you can convince yourself of when you want to.

No, I want to reach one year. If I’m honest, I don’t really want to give up at this point, just because I think (or my husband thinks) it might be nice to have a drink or few on holiday. And I did just read Unpickled’s post on her trip to Italy. But it’s there. Even after all this time, I’ve got that feeling of having done enough – as in, ‘surely it’s time this whole thing was over by now’, and ‘it’s worse now, because I never go out and see anyone, because we always used to meet friends in pubs’. Definitely have to watch out for that. I can see now why 9 months can be such a danger zone as well as 7 and 8. When these thoughts start to pop up, I think about what would really happen if I had a glass of wine. Once I remind myself that it’s really just a headache in liquid form, dehydration in a glass, anxiety in a bottle, I’m alright. That couldn’t make anything better. Probably not fleeing a zombie apocalypse, and definitely not Paris in the spring. Non merci!

Advertisement

4 thoughts on “Day 270”

  1. I love magnesium. It has made my sleep even better.
    Unpickled did have great advice. I think one glass would just be a downer. I know I would want two. Etc.
    I hope your new department head works out!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Dancing Your Way To Fertility

Had enough of hearing ‘no you are not pregnant?’ The information you need to beat infertility…a hand to hold on your hardest of days.

The IVF Survivor

Staying sane and hopeful after long term IVF and loss

Lovin · Life · Fully

Finding the everyday joys in God's creative plan for us

infertile me.

Infertility: The journey, emotions and ramblings

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

A life without peas

An IVF journey

The Unplanned Plan

Documenting this crazy IVF journey

Southern Fried Ovaries

The story of a Mississippi couple trying to conceive

The Stickles

Tales of marriage, twins, infertility, and other everday hilarity

The IVF Piggy Bank

Test Tube Trials and In Vitro Victories

Helping the Stork

One couple's journey of high AMH and PCOS

Are We There Yet

a nerd girl's infertility journey

the MIRACLE of the MUNDANE

LIVING LIFE. FINDING MEANING.

then i look up at the sky...

coffee, wine, and infertility. just a little blog about my life

The Thin Place

The Thin Place, Where We Experience the Sufficiency of Grace

Different Shores

Observations about middle-aged life without kids

Hope.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. -Exodus 14:14

Our~Fertility~Fight

Our everlasting journey

Tales of a 30 Year Old Nothing

Navigating my thirties is not what I thought it would be

Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries

infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss

infertilitywhymeblog

Living with Premature Ovary Failure in my 30s

Finding My Freedom

getting rid of the booze...

The Everyday Addict

Hi! I’m Ashley and I am just your average everyday addict! Recovery is a new adventure that is hard, but it CAN also be fun and exciting! I created this blog to share my experience with addiction, my perspective as a youth in recovery, and the joys of my recovery. Clean & sober since 10/27/2008!

%d bloggers like this: