Today is day 300! I am currently on the train to London, where we will be catching the eurostar to Paris this afternoon. This train was crowded when we got on, and there was an announcement about upgrading to first class. So we went for it! the first of several treats, I think, on this holiday 😀
I’m still here! Still sober 🙂
I was taking the magnesium tablets for a while, but at the beginning of May, things weren’t going well. I had a weekend of crying on and off for two days, and not much in my life felt worthwhile. I was terrified of depression spilling over into work. No way am I getting into that awful place of having to take time off etc etc. I’ve been there before, and my job means too much to me now, to let that happen again.
So I had to do something – I was pretty desperate. Drink? I seriously thought about it, but I didn’t actually drink. I refuse to give up!! I found a card of Fluoxetine in with all my nail varnish (?) from a while back. It was a year out of date, but like I said, I felt like I had to do something. It was a Sunday, and the next day was Bank Holiday Monday. At the best of times I can only get a Doctor’s appointment for a weeks’ time, so I googled ‘taking out of date medication’, and suitably reassured, down the hatch it went…
I booked the appointment, saw the Doctor a week later, and said I would like to try the anti depressants. So she prescribed me some, and suggested counselling too. Apparently it’s free – you just self refer on a website. I haven’t actually booked in yet but I do plan to.
So that’s as far as I’ve got, really. The medication hasn’t really kicked in yet, but I’m glad I’m taking it. I’m determined that it’s one element of my continuing ‘recovery’, if you like. I realised last week that there are certain things – beliefs about myself, insecurities and other things – that maybe don’t serve me all that much anymore. Like maybe, habits I’ve developed thinking that they help me avoid anxieties or whatever, but in actual fact they do nothing of the sort. Or beliefs I have about myself that aren’t really true.
I googled ‘overcoming insecurity’ and some of the things I found were a bit rubbish to be honest, but there was one site which looked very interesting. ‘Pathway to Happiness’ describes how we compare ourselves with our image of perfection, and come up with ‘I’m not good enough’ thoughts when the two don’t match up. Somehow, even just reading that basic explanation of the process seemed to help. So yes, things are looking up 🙂
Also, on Friday night/Saturday morning, I got one of those calls. You know, when you’re the only person who can help? It was 1:30am and I was in bed asleep. My husband had gone out with his mates and not been able to get a taxi home. So he called me and very apologetically asked for a lift!! I was their only hope, apparently. I had sober superpowers! I was so glad I was able to help out. I didn’t have any right to feel annoyed, because I’ve been in a similar situation so many times. I got dressed and drove the ten minutes or so to go and get them. They were very drunk! One fell asleep in the back, another was eating kebab and pizza and saying how much he’d like to see me out in the pub again (even if I’m not drinking, he reassured me) and my husband was saying how grateful they all were, and that he’d buy me chocolates and flowers. Which haven’t actually materialised, I might add! So we got back around 2 o clock. I know it wasn’t as dramatic as going to collect a distressed child or saving someone from something terrible, but I was really proud that I was able to help. That for once, I could be relied upon, and was useful to someone.
So I’m approaching day 300 with a slightly different perspective. I feel like I’m coming out the other side of the slump, finally. It has lasted a long time. Maybe I needed to go through it, in order to find out what I can be doing to help myself? To make me realise just where I am powerless and where I am powerful. I’m looking forward to whatever happens next!