I emailed Belle yesterday telling her that I’m on track for one year today….she replied and said it’s actually day 366 today!
I’m so happy with my achievement! But how did I get here? I’m not sure I ever thought I’d reach a year. For one, I think that being here has a lot to do with taking one day at a time. Thinking too far ahead makes it seem next to impossible. Imagining all those events during which I would have normally been drinking, imagining doing them sober made it feel too much. But breaking it down into smaller pieces, dealing with one thing at a time, that makes a truly amazing difference.
It’s a philosophy that has spilled over into the rest of my life. I’m not sure that was intentional, but it’s definitely beneficial. Everything, not just sobriety, seems much more manageable, the good things seem more possible, and life is definitely easier. There is a lot less hanging on by my fingernails. A lot more ‘letting go’ in a sense.
There have been times when I have bemoaned the fact that sobriety doesn’t fix everything. I was probably having trouble with acceptance, and didn’t yet have the faith or something? to effect changes where I could. But it’s becoming more and more clear that sobriety can indirectly fix a lot more than I realised. It fixes me, so that I can fix stuff for myself. Or accept it. Or decide it’s not important, or that I can make another choice, that there is some other possibility I hadn’t noticed. That’s the thing about hanging on by my fingernails – I was limited to being sort of rigidly clamped on to whatever the issue was, with no scope for stepping back and getting a wider perspective.
I haven’t written for a while here, at first because there was little to write, and then there was too much! I went through a phase of ‘nothing moving’, which, as I’ve learned over the years, is what usually preceeds intense activity. In this case, the timing has been good, because I just needed to make it to the end of the summer term. The antidepressants I take make me so tired, and a long and busy half term was really taking it out of me. But I made it! And it’s all systems go! We have been doing some hard landscaping work in the garden – Mr. W and I handballed about 3 tons of earth out of the back garden and into a skip on the front garden on Saturday. I pulled muscles I didn’t know I had! We now have the beginnings of along awaited patio – I can’t wait until it’s finished!! The builder has started work on the inside of the house – replacing front windows and doing a loft conversion. We’ve had to organise Mr W’s pension – he had the opportunity to buy back 15 years worth, and it was too good an offer to miss. So we had to find a load of money from nowhere, but it’s all sorted now. We are also in the process of booking his vasectomy reversal operation. It will (fingers crossed) actually go ahead this summer! If there is only one reason I want to be sober (which there isn’t, there are actually millions) it’s so I can deal with that. Apart from the actual procedure itself and then recovery, there are all the emotions that go along with it. The hopes and fears. I’ve amazed myself actually, that I’ve managed to contain myself thus far. That I’m not (very) crazed and neurotic about the whole thing. Like I said, breaking stuff down and dealing with it in smaller chunks – it works wonders!
And how to explain how I feel about sobriety to my normie friends who don’t know what to make of it all and wonder what’s happened to me? I don’t know if I can, or if I want to really and truly try to explain. I don’t think they would understand. So many people are really supportive – I’ve been very lucky in that respect. They are happy that I’m happy. Best just to leave it at that.
I’ve also been very lucky to find a place like this, where I can share my thoughts and experiences with all of you wonderful people, and share yours 😀 That’s another massive reason why I am here at one year – knowing that I’m not alone, there are people who have been where I am now and discovered an even better life – and are cheering me on. So THANK YOU all for being here for me along the way :-). I might have also been where some people are now…If that is you, I am cheering you on too. Keep going, it gets better and better 🙂