It’s just life

Since yesterday’s post I’ve been up and down. Which is Ok.  I’m Ok. Yes, the ‘downs’ are really hard, and seem to last longer than ‘ups’. But I realised it’s Ok to feel this way. I have been fairly calm about everything up to now, but now that we’re in the middle of everything –  and all of it has been such a long time coming- it’s only natural for emotions to be running high. I’m not going to beat myself up about it and start thinking that I’m failing in my sobriety -I’m not. I’m just coping with life, that’s all. And 99% of any drinking thoughts I had, have evaporated. Good news.

So tonight, I swept and hoovered the floors (for about the millionth time in the last three weeks!), then showered and put clean bed linen on. The favourite duvet cover, it’s so comfortable :-). The cat is on the bed with me, I’ve had a mug of Earl Grey and I’m going to read until Mr W comes home. I can and must do self care!

Vulnerable

That’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I haven’t re – committed to another year or whatever, and I have felt a few pangs lately, when ‘enjoying’ alcohol seems to be the thing to do.

We went away for a night over the weekend, to Moelfre, Wales, where they had a lifeboat open day. It was mainly for Mr W’s birthday and I didn’t know if I’d enjoy it or not. When we arrived, the little town was full to the brim with people, most of whom seemed to be drinking beer. I immediately felt uncomfortable. Stupidly, I hadn’t anticipated it would be a ‘drinking event’. But after a while, I realised that no, it wasn’t actually a drinking event and the vast majority of people weren’t drinking at all. So I just got on with having a good time and it was fine.

It did seem to trigger an ‘it’s not fair’ train of thought though. I even thought about having a glass of wine with dinner in the evening, then decided against it. Which I was very happy about the next day! No point ruining such an achievement on a whim. I decided to think about 400 days as a possible target. Then think about drinking again after that. But that idea has sort of lost its appeal already… The reasons why not drinking is the best thing to do are now helpfully returning to the forefront of my mind.

What I do need to do, as ever, is put more effort into treats and rewards. I always struggle with this. Our house is currently all turned upside down, it’s like living in a building site! I know it will be so worth it when it’s done, but in the meantime I’m not very settled. I find it hard to relax and wind down, and that is what treating myself is all about, for me.

Plus, Mr W’s operation is looming. He has been telling more people because obviously he will be off work for a while afterwards. Everyone is supportive, but some people have stories about friends of theirs that they want to tell. ‘It didn’t work for so and so, they ended up paying 25 grand for IVF’ etc etc. As you can imagine, I’m finding this less than helpful. I just want us to be left alone to get on with dealing with everything that goes along with the procedure. I do let myself think occasionally of all things baby – related.  To me it feels right to be hopeful,  if only a little, only in my mind.

So yes, sober is still the way forward. Life is changing all the time, and the unknowns are so much nearer to being known, whatever the outcome might be, and I need to be able to deal with all of that.  Which would not be possible if I was drinking.