Thanks for all the comments on my last post. Since then I tried quitting a couple of times but I was too lazy to stick with it, and every time Mr W suggested a drink I caved in.
But this time, today is my new day one. I’ve just spent the half term holiday doing lots of decorating, and I was a bit distracted generally so I didn’t seem to have the focus to get sober. But I’m back at work tomorrow, and even though there is the possibility of some bonfire night socialising, I feel like I’ve got a good opportunity to get into that sober bubble this week.
Why sober again? Well, I think I’m just not suited to drinking. I’ve been ill with a hangover after the odd night out in the last few weeks, which was awful. I’d forgotten how bad it makes me feel! And even after just one glass, the acid feeling in my stomach was horrible.
I thought I was looking for an off switch when I picked up the wine glass again – I wanted to escape from the world and from myself. But now I realise I miss the predictability of being sober. No ‘will we have wine tonight?’, ‘how much will I drink’, ‘will I feel ill/guilty/bad in the morning?’. Far from being boring to be sober, I missed that sense of calm I had because I already knew the answer to those questions when I was sober. All I had to do was not drink, and every day that came and went, did so unaffected by alcohol. It was freeing to live that way – I haven’t enjoyed being tied to drinking and all the thoughts and physical effects that go with it.
I know I have felt down both whilst drinking and whilst sober….that’s just something I have to deal with, it’s part of being me. But why would I want to add another layer of difficulty of top of that by choosing to continue to drink? I’ve come off the antidepressants at the request of my husband. He didn’t want us to be trying for baby with me taking drugs. I spoke to my GP after quitting them, and she said they aren’t actually the worst things in the world to be taking in that respect. But I hear what he’s saying, so I’m doing without them. But our fertility test is looming, and my emotions are more and more haphazard. So that’s another reason why I want to go back to being clear and not befuddled by wine.
There is a tiny part of me, also, that is starting to think that I deserve for my life to be better. As in, in every way better. It’s down to me to ensure that I am happy, nobody else, and perhaps for the first time, I’m thinking that I really deserve that. That is would be a big mistake for me to not pay attention to that feeling. What was that quote? Don’t do what makes you ‘a success’, do what makes you come alive – because the world needs people who have come alive. I guess my particular context here is not necessarily career, but the whole of life. I want to feel alive and happy, and I want to be able to deal with whatever we are told at the fertility clinic. I don’t want to feel ‘useless’. That is what my mind has been telling me lately and I do not like it.
So there’s a lot to do, a lot to think about, and I’m ready 🙂