Acceptance and Letting Go

It’s day 14 today. I’m feeling a bit better physically, the plan is to go back to work on Monday. The mental blank is also receding, and unfortunately, negative thoughts have started to whirl around in my mind once again.

Last night was hard – I wanted to drink. I became so caught up in the idea that my husband ought to be looking after me better. He hasn’t really helped me much as he’s been too busy with work. So during the day, I have pottered slowly round the house, washing pots and cleaning in fits and starts, and going back to bed in between. The iron I’m taking is clearly working though, because I didn’t go back to bed at all yesterday. Progress!

I wanted to drink in the evening, because all my romantic notions seem to have been shot to bits. You see, I thought that due to my diagnosis in hospital last week, and because it could have been so much worse than it is (tumour markers are higher than normal, but not so much as to indicate cancer), I thought Mr W and I would feel so much closer. I thought that he would immediately realise just how much we mean to each other, and that this would in turn give me so much strength to get through even if we find that we are infertile. But no. Everything feels….so normal, so flat. I’ll have to have surgery – possibly more than once – to deal with what has happened to my insides. And for now, I feel uncomfortable and very aware of what is wrong. So I felt pretty rubbish last night.

But I didn’t drink, and I started reading. I downloaded a Wayne Dyer book (Real Magic) onto my Kindle app. As I read about opening yourself up to the idea of living at purpose, rather than at outcome (goals orientated), I started thinking. If there is a reason for me, for my life (which I seem not to have discovered yet), then to be open to that, to be receptive to understanding – or trusting, if I don’t understand it – then I have to let go of my idea of what my life should look like. After all, my thoughts about how my life ought to be have a fairly limited frame of reference. I see how others’ lives are and I think* that should apply to me too. Immediately reducing possibilities for myself, both of what I should be, and how I ‘fix it’ if it’s not happening the way I want it to.

Now, this sort of made the word ‘acceptance’ start rattling around in my brain. I don’t like the word; to me it feels negative. Like awful-tasting medicine that I’ve been told I must take. You wanted something else, but that’s wrong, wrong, wrong for you and you can’t have it. So here’s what you can have – suck it up. That’s what it feels like to me. BUT. If I think of it in terms of letting go which is almost like the flip side of the coin, it feels freeing, a release, a relief.

I said to someone the other day in a comment on their blog ‘just let go of the idea that you need to drink’ or something along those lines. I desperately want her to see that drinking isn’t all there is. Yes, it’s hard to be sober sometimes, but I think it becomes easier if I can let go of how I think my life should be. For example, I think I should be able to drink if I want to? Let that go, and there will be room for different thoughts, better thoughts. I think my husband should behave a certain way towards me? Nope. I’m making very narrow demands… I let it go (and I stop nagging!) and I leave room for something different and better.

Acceptance? For the moment I can’t cope with that, it seems. But looking at it from another angle, letting go might be just what I need to do. There may well be something better just around the corner that wont come into my life just by my thinking about it.

*We have a saying where I’m from, which is very apt: ‘You know what thought did? Followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding.’ Mr W likes to remind me of this occasionally 😉

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9 thoughts on “Acceptance and Letting Go”

  1. Dear Waking Up,
    I used to have certain expectations for my hubs.
    Then by reading, I had unrealistic expectations for him.
    What I started to do, was to thank him.
    Every day, I thanked him for working hard, or fixing something, or for anything.
    I changed my thoughts from demanding to gratitude.
    I put him in my gratitude journal even night.
    It really worked.
    We are now closer than ever.
    And he is more willing to go dancing. (Well, slightly more willing!)
    I am sorry about your surgery.
    Let us know when you go in, so we can send good thoughts or pray for you.
    I am very glad you didn’t drink.
    Then, everything would be magnified, and worse.
    You are doing good!!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Wendy 🙂 I meant to say in my comment on your blog that I’m thinking about you and hope everything goes well for your surgery. I tried and tried to comment via my WordPress name but it wanted to publish my actual name. Which isn’t a problem but you wouldn’t have known who I was!
      Yes you are absolutely right, thank you for the advice about my expectations of Mr W. I know I’ve been feeling deprived of affection, but trying to force him to behave how I want isn’t a good thing on any level. I am letting go, and I will change my thoughts to ones of gratitude. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The way you describe what ‘should be’ is so powerful, and I’m sure the feeling can be overwhelming at times, especially when you are physically trying to be well. … As to your idea of acceptance, the image I keep thinking of is being in water and letting go of …something, and then after struggling to hold on, we find ourselves floating. … Sending you healing thoughts.* -HM.

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  3. Yes, floating, that is a great image. Somehow the letting go feels as though there are new possibilities, yet acceptance sounds to me like I just need to struggle and deal with what is. I know it’s just me having trouble with the words. Thank you for the healing thoughts, it helps 🙂 xx

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  4. Hi W,
    Sending you hugs and healing thoughts and a question: have you asked Mr W. how he feels about what is happening, and possibly going from there you both can express your needs? Men seem to deal differently with ordeals than women. Sometimes they need seclusion, distraction till things have settled down a little. Women on the other hand cope best when sharing and speaking about things. If I where in a relation (which I am not, so disclamer :-)) I would hope that I would remind that there could be this difference in behaviour. Hope it helps, if not, throw it out. Wishing you a very nice weekend.
    xx, Feeling

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    1. Thanks feeling. Yes this helps 🙂 we have had a chance to talk this evening and you’re right, it’s not actually the case that he is unconcerned. This week coming will be quite eventful and we are each dealing with things in our own way. I also told him about the idea of letting go of my image of what my life should be like. I think he understood in a way.
      Hope you’re having a good weekend too,
      Xx

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      1. Good, I am happy for you. And yes, I did totally not note the beautiful revelation you had about letting go of what life should be. I guess I am not there yet, would really like to hang on to well, what I think it should be. And somehow this connects to something here because I start crying and I don’t even know why. 🙂 Life in sobriety, so much uncovering to be done.
        Hugs and love,
        Feeling

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  5. Hugs to you too 🙂 I’m also doing a lot of crying and I’m not always sure why! If you feel it connects to something, maybe try the book – it’s called Real Magic by Wayne Dyer. Xxx

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