I don’t remember ever feeling this bad

I feel exhausted. It seems like a long time since I felt completely well in myself. The weekend didn’t help. I had my biopsy taken on Friday,  and I was so relieved that it was over, and so tired from being nervous beforehand. I lost all my focus and drank wine that evening.
The next day, I was gearing up for a new day one, when my husband came home from work with bad news. The surgeon had called him with the results of his test; it’s negative. The surgeon was very surprised, he said he had been so sure it would be a success. But he also seems to think that all is not lost, and has booked us another test in a couple of months time.

I was a mess for the rest of Saturday.  We watched Saving Mr Banks in the evening and I cried more or less all the way through. On Sunday I woke up with the idea that I can save all the money we need for IVF if it comes to that… now I’m not so sure. I’ve been up and down and everywhere else in such a short space of time. I must wait longer.

But I didn’t drink on Sunday.  Today is day 4. I’ve been off sick today, last night I had a fever and I’m hoping it’s nothing to do with the biopsy on Friday – apparently there is a (miniscule) chance of infection. However it’s more likely that I caught a chill at work because we’ve had no heating for the last few days. Well, we were given tiny electric heaters, but that’s nowhere near enough to heat the labs – they’re big, high rooms. So we’ve all been shivering.

I’m so tired. I just want to feel well, and then maybe I can work on trying to feel some hope. I’m afraid to be hopeful though, in case of another negative result. I should be letting go, but I just feel so stuck. I don’t think I’ve ever really prayed before, but I’m going to start now – there’s no one else that can help.

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8 thoughts on “I don’t remember ever feeling this bad”

  1. Dear Waking Up,
    This would make me cry, too.
    And then treat yourself very kindly.
    Do not give up hope!
    I agree with Anne, that writing helps me clarify things.
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

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