Things that make me feel better #1

I went back to work after the half term holiday yesterday and I think being busy has helped me feel better. It’s still a little odd, knowing that my colleague is pregnant. I don’t think many other people know – she is waiting until the first scan. I think I saw her with a green form (to book the time off work) today. So it could be soon. I’m hoping so much that people will keep it low key and not refer to it constantly in front of me…

I feel strangely wooden around her. She has always tended to be business-like, and can seem a little bit rude if you don’t know her well. Maybe its just that side of her that I’m picking up on too much, feeling too vulnerable. I’m trying not to dwell on it though. Our stories are different, it just can’t be helped.

I’ve also decided a couple of things in the last few days.

1. Mr W and I want to do IVF. Although he is getting used to the idea in his own way. I’ve learned that he operates completely differently to me when it comes to emotions and reasoning. Whereas we can pre-empt each other’s thoughts and take the words right out of each other’s mouths because our minds work the same way to a certain extent, I know that I need to be patient and not demand a ‘yes I totally agree with you and I’ll do exactly what you want’ right this minute. It may be an age thing as well as a gender thing – he is 16 years older than me, and while it doesn’t matter one jot, it can make a big difference. So basically (yes I’m getting to point number 1…honestly!…) I DON’T CARE what anyone else thinks about that. It’s completely up to us, and if anyone disapproves, they can fly off because it’s none of their business.

2. I have no idea what is possible, considering the extent of my endometriosis. All I know is, I get my first GNRH injection tomorrow at 16:30 – the start of the second phase, if you like, of treating the condition. There are six injections, four weeks apart. As I mentioned, I think I may need further surgery before IVF could even be an option, and I don’t know when that could happen. I am taking steps to find out. In the mean time, I need to live my life – not just try to get though the day. Six months – at least – of waiting before anything can start at all. So I need to get on with living. I want to feel better than I did last week.

As far as number 2 goes, there are a few things I can try. I’ve started doing a couple of (tiny) things differently, and I might post about them soon (hence the optimistic ‘#1’ in the title) but for now, I wanted to share this: I was looking on my phone for Belle’s Sober Jumpstart audios, the first five days from when I began my big sober stretch. I found Mystic Cord of Memory by Michael Bernard Beckwith, that I downloaded a few years ago. I stumbled across it, like I do with most things on the internet, whilst looking at something else entirely (art journaling, which I don’t do anymore). It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I find it really calming and full of positive energy. The only link could find was this one for an Effy Wild video on YouTube. If you’re not into the art, just listen. I think you might like it 🙂

 

 

 

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it’s all I think about

The last week or so has been hard. I didn’t manage to stay sober. I emailed Belle and said I couldn’t do the 100 days at the moment. I have too much on my mind. It seems like infertility is all I think about these days.

I wonder about starting a different blog about infertility specifically, but I haven’t decided yet. I will need to be sober again, so I’m going to continue this blog anyway…

We saw my consultant the other week. He said I had the worst case of endometriosis he has seen in his career. That was a shock – especially because I didn’t think I had any symptoms. Anyway, neither of my fallopian tubes are functional. Also, because my husband has children from a previous marriage, the NHS will not fund any IVF treatment. I had previously thought that if his operation had worked, that we would have been eligible for IVF on the NHS because of my condition. However, the reversal didn’t work anyway, so I guess that’s a moot point now.

Then this week, we went to see Mr W’s surgeon, who explained to us that his operation failed due to complications further up the tubes – not because they failed to join properly. He also scared the living daylights out of me in terms of the success rates of IVF in relation to age. I’m about to start the GNRH Analogue treatment, which will ‘shut down’ my reproductive system temporarily, in order to slow down the endometriosis. I’m told that this treatment does improve the chances of success with IVF, so that’s good. But I’ve been worrying about possible further surgery that I may need before IVF. I think the tubes need to be removed if they are damaged, plus I have a fibroid of around 2cm. Will I be able to have these procedures on the NHS?? I have requested an appointment with my consultant to ask if I can be put on a waiting list now for these procedures (if at all?!) as I know it will involve waiting. And I want to be ready to start IVF as soon as possible after the hormone treatment finishes.

God, I sound like a crazy woman, I know. I mean, we haven’t even got any money sorted out for any treatment. My sister says she’s sure that my parents will help us out. But we haven’t had the conversation yet. I was telling Mr W’s stepmum where we were up to with everything on the phone the other night, and I could just hear the disapproval in her voice. ‘oooohhh, that’s very expensive, isn’t it?’ she said. I’m probably jumping to conclusions but it feels as though she thinks we shouldn’t even try IVF, and that I should just deal with the fact that me and Mr W are infertile.

I think I’m using wine at the moment to try to shut down all these crazy thoughts. I know that’s destructive and not the answer. Hopefully soon I will be able to gather myself back together and try sobriety again.

 

 

 

Thinking about the drugs

So I’m on day six! I feel good being sober, and about being sober.

I was a bit quiet yesterday, thinking about everything. A bit down. Worrying about how things will be at work for the next six months or so. From about 4pm yesterday I just wanted the day to be over, to go to bed and get to the next day. Not an unbearable feeling, but I was out of sorts. I could have even actually gone to bed if I’d felt like it, like Belle I’m a huge fan of sleeping! This morning I slept until 10 am. I probably got nearly 10 hours, and I seemed to need it.

I’ve got the appointment with my Doc in a couple of days. I think I’ve decided to go for the hormone treatment for six months. I know he wants to do at least that, but I hope six months will be a good compromise. I’m sure these drugs will help to slow down the endometriosis (apparently it can never be cured) and if we do decide on IVF, I think it will improve our chances of success, according to the one or two things I found on the Internet about it (I’ve tried to avoid googling throughout this whole experience). It’s a big IF though. IVF is hugely expensive, a lot more money than we could afford. But I’m not ruling anything out…you never know what the future may hold.

I’m very happy about day 6 🙂

Gratitude

Another hard couple of days.
On Thursday Mr W phoned me at work to say the results of his second test were negative. Yesterday a work colleague told me she is pregnant.
God, life is hard. I was so sorry my colleague found it hard to tell me. I was tearful, she was tearful, and it shouldn’t be like that. But after the previous days news it felt as though everything was just piling up, one thing after another. I was so grateful that I’m one of the first few people to know. It was really thoughtful of her – she knows my situation – and I’m grateful for a bit of time to process it before its widely known.

I was also hugely grateful that two other colleagues provided me with a shoulder to cry on yesterday, when I just couldn’t contain my emotions. One lady had been through pretty much the same thing as me. She and her husband didn’t manage to have children in the end. She listened, and she understood, and I mean EXACTLY. That felt like being saved from drowning. I can’t tell you how profound that was. I obviously didn’t mention the other lady’s pregnancy because that’s still under wraps at the moment, but she said she’s there for me whenever I need her. That just blew me away. I’m crying just thinking about it, I’m so grateful to her.

Later I talked to the head of department about it, and cried a bit more. She sat with me whilst I calmed down. I’m so lucky to work with such understanding people! I stayed about an hour late, just having a cup of tea and chatting – with her and the lady who’s pregnant – to just try to let it go a little bit really, before setting off home.

For a little while I thought about drinking. Why oh why did I sign up for 100 days now? Of all the times? Well, exactly because of times like this I think. Had I drank the wine I had been wondering about, I would have been needlessly dwelling on things, up one minute and down the next. And hungover and depressed this morning.

Yes I’m finding this really hard, and I do feel waves of sadness. But I’m trying to keep calm, to not get worked up into a panic, and I know booze is not the answer. Unexpectedly, what I feel most right now, is gratitude.

It’s been a while…

I’m here again. I don’t really know what my plan is – sometimes I think sobriety is the thing I need most in my life (this would/will be my day one when I can actually make a decision) and sometimes it feels as though the last thing I need is to give myself a task so difficult as that feels.

I’ve had surgery to remove my ovarian cysts, and I have fully recovered from that. I go back to work tomorrow, which is also probably why I’m feeling a little bit strange. I haven’t felt properly a part of the world for a few weeks now. and I suppose going back to work is the last part of getting back to ‘normal’. Whatever normal is… I had an appointment with the Consultant today, however it wasn’t my consultant – he wasn’t in…! So I go back next week to talk to him. I had the option of starting hormone treatment today – but I’m not agreeing to that until it’s fully explained to me, and a good reason given to me. It will basically cause the menopause for as long as the treatment lasts. which in some cases can actually be until the actual menopause. Along with all of the side effects/symptoms of the menopause of course. You understand my reluctance?!

My husband had another test to see if his operation might have succeeded and we are waiting for those results. Which will have a bearing on my side of things. I’m sorry if this is all too much information, but it is how my life is arranging itself at the moment.

But I am well – so much better than I felt before. And I’m grateful for that. I realised that without your health, you have nothing. Maybe I do need to have another try at sobriety. I know it will do me good. Plus, with the benefit of actually knowing I had anaemia, and now treating it with iron supplements, I might be able to make some progress this time instead of feeling depressed and worrying I was a dry drunk.

Day one it is then. I know I will feel better, I’ve been there before. Wish me luck!