Another hard couple of days.
On Thursday Mr W phoned me at work to say the results of his second test were negative. Yesterday a work colleague told me she is pregnant.
God, life is hard. I was so sorry my colleague found it hard to tell me. I was tearful, she was tearful, and it shouldn’t be like that. But after the previous days news it felt as though everything was just piling up, one thing after another. I was so grateful that I’m one of the first few people to know. It was really thoughtful of her – she knows my situation – and I’m grateful for a bit of time to process it before its widely known.
I was also hugely grateful that two other colleagues provided me with a shoulder to cry on yesterday, when I just couldn’t contain my emotions. One lady had been through pretty much the same thing as me. She and her husband didn’t manage to have children in the end. She listened, and she understood, and I mean EXACTLY. That felt like being saved from drowning. I can’t tell you how profound that was. I obviously didn’t mention the other lady’s pregnancy because that’s still under wraps at the moment, but she said she’s there for me whenever I need her. That just blew me away. I’m crying just thinking about it, I’m so grateful to her.
Later I talked to the head of department about it, and cried a bit more. She sat with me whilst I calmed down. I’m so lucky to work with such understanding people! I stayed about an hour late, just having a cup of tea and chatting – with her and the lady who’s pregnant – to just try to let it go a little bit really, before setting off home.
For a little while I thought about drinking. Why oh why did I sign up for 100 days now? Of all the times? Well, exactly because of times like this I think. Had I drank the wine I had been wondering about, I would have been needlessly dwelling on things, up one minute and down the next. And hungover and depressed this morning.
Yes I’m finding this really hard, and I do feel waves of sadness. But I’m trying to keep calm, to not get worked up into a panic, and I know booze is not the answer. Unexpectedly, what I feel most right now, is gratitude.