it’s all I think about

The last week or so has been hard. I didn’t manage to stay sober. I emailed Belle and said I couldn’t do the 100 days at the moment. I have too much on my mind. It seems like infertility is all I think about these days.

I wonder about starting a different blog about infertility specifically, but I haven’t decided yet. I will need to be sober again, so I’m going to continue this blog anyway…

We saw my consultant the other week. He said I had the worst case of endometriosis he has seen in his career. That was a shock – especially because I didn’t think I had any symptoms. Anyway, neither of my fallopian tubes are functional. Also, because my husband has children from a previous marriage, the NHS will not fund any IVF treatment. I had previously thought that if his operation had worked, that we would have been eligible for IVF on the NHS because of my condition. However, the reversal didn’t work anyway, so I guess that’s a moot point now.

Then this week, we went to see Mr W’s surgeon, who explained to us that his operation failed due to complications further up the tubes – not because they failed to join properly. He also scared the living daylights out of me in terms of the success rates of IVF in relation to age. I’m about to start the GNRH Analogue treatment, which will ‘shut down’ my reproductive system temporarily, in order to slow down the endometriosis. I’m told that this treatment does improve the chances of success with IVF, so that’s good. But I’ve been worrying about possible further surgery that I may need before IVF. I think the tubes need to be removed if they are damaged, plus I have a fibroid of around 2cm. Will I be able to have these procedures on the NHS?? I have requested an appointment with my consultant to ask if I can be put on a waiting list now for these procedures (if at all?!) as I know it will involve waiting. And I want to be ready to start IVF as soon as possible after the hormone treatment finishes.

God, I sound like a crazy woman, I know. I mean, we haven’t even got any money sorted out for any treatment. My sister says she’s sure that my parents will help us out. But we haven’t had the conversation yet. I was telling Mr W’s stepmum where we were up to with everything on the phone the other night, and I could just hear the disapproval in her voice. ‘oooohhh, that’s very expensive, isn’t it?’ she said. I’m probably jumping to conclusions but it feels as though she thinks we shouldn’t even try IVF, and that I should just deal with the fact that me and Mr W are infertile.

I think I’m using wine at the moment to try to shut down all these crazy thoughts. I know that’s destructive and not the answer. Hopefully soon I will be able to gather myself back together and try sobriety again.





9 thoughts on “it’s all I think about”

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Infertility is a real bitch to deal with. Such a roller coaster! On top of trying to get sober. Been there.
    Not to seem like you don’t already know this, but to share my experience, I did find that I was able to deal with my situation much better when I was sober. I drank to deal with the emotions and it made things so much worse in my life. I know it’s hard to stop when you’re in the middle of dealing with such heart-wrenching stuff, but I was so much more able to cope with a clear mind and was less depressed when not drinking.
    Keep writing and sharing your experience. You are not alone although it probably feels like it. I also thought about starting an infertility blog. So many women need to read this stuff!
    You will get through this, one way or the other. I wish serenity for you! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks 🙂 I feel slightly less all over the place today… I do need to be sober, you’re right. Especially if I want to give myself the best possible chance of success, and also to be able to deal with all the ups and downs better.
      The feeling of being alone in this hurts… I’m trying to find other bloggers who write about similar issues because, like getting sober, finding the support of people who get it helps immeasurably.
      Thanks again, I appreciate your sharing too x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I know this is old but just browsing your blog. I can’t believe that because your husband has children from a previous marriage, the NHS won’t fund any IVF treatment. That’s bloody awful. I had mine in Ireland and haven’t lived in UK for 20 years so didn’t know this – I’m shocked.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apparently there are guidelines set by someone (is it HEFA?) But local nhs trusts can basically decide what they like in terms of criteria for eligibility. I get it that there is only so much funding to go around. But then you hear of people getting very random operations/treatment on the nhs and you just think, wff?


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