Things are looking up!

Yesterday we went to see Dr K, my consultant. I asked about the side effects of the Prostap injections and like the GP,  he didn’t seem to think depression is a possible side effect. Odd. Why the reluctance to agree with my instinct that it was the hormone that caused the sudden bout of depression? Anyway…

I also asked about removal of the fallopian tubes… yes it needs to be done prior to ivf, and yes it can be done on the nhs! Woo hoo! I even have a date for pre – op assessment:mrgreen:. The next thing for us to do is find a fertility clinic and book a consultation. I need to be finished with the hormone injections for three months before we can start ivf. But they can be stopped at any time, and to be honest, I think today’s will be my last. I stumbled across a website today which details many more severe side effects of the drug I’m on, called Prostap. Other names are lupron and leuprorelin. It’s not fertility treatment in itself, but medical treatment for endometriosis. So now we’ve decided, the ivf takes priority, plus those side effects really worried me.

When I had the injection this morning, it was a locum that I saw…she had a book of medications and their effects/side effects open on her desk. I mentioned the depression when she asked how I’d been since the first injection, and she looked in the book…sure enough, depression and mood swings were listed as possible side effects. Now maybe it’s just me being paranoid, but I felt it was very strange that two other doctors didn’t seem to want to consider that the two things might be related. And then I find the website detailing how these other side effects aren’t studied or documented…. so that’s it for me with that treatment – no more!

Other good news…its day five sober!! And feeling pretty good I have to say☺

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Two steps forward…

Ok so I’m back to day three, unfortunately. I drank on Friday night. It was an odd set of circumstances. Busy week at work, and head of dept bought me and my colleague a bottle of prosecco each to say thanks for all our hard work. I mistakenly let myself think about drinking a little bit too much, and although I didn’t drink that bottle, I went and bought myself some non sparkling wine instead. I still have the sparkly stuff but won’t be drinking it. I must give it away. What a stupid thing to do, though, just letting myself cave in like that. All talk of self care forgotten.

But I’m back, and trying again. I’ve got a couple of appointments this week, one is my second injection. I just watched a little video about self compassion that I think was originally posted by primrose. It said that when going through tough times, it helps to drastically reduce expectations and just focus on taking care of yourself.  I think that may need to happen whilst I’m under the influence of this next dose of hormones. Hopefully to be forewarned is to be forearmed in this case!

I was thinking of writing on a separate blog about infertility, but I’m not sure…I’ve come to rather like being, and identify with waking up. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Sweet sober dreams x

Things that make me feel better #2

Sunday night, I’ve made it through the weekend sober! I did have some cravings, although they weren’t bad. And I really made an effort with self care, so I’m feeling pretty good.
This afternoon I spent some time gardening as the weather was so good. I planted loads of seeds, did some weeding and generally tidied up. I had been worrying about some tiny little things going on at work, really winding myself up, but after an hour or so of being outside, I felt so much better. So gardening is number 2 on the list of things that make me feel better.
However…There is also something slightly triggery about working in the garden on a lovely warm day. But that feeling didn’t last long, and I feel great about reaching day 8.
Also feeling a bit more positive on the infertility front. I think the hormones have settled down (about time!), and I’m keen to talk to the consultant a week on Tuesday about what I need to do to be ivf ready. I really hope it’s a possibility for me…I worry that when we eventually do get to a fertility clinic, they’ll say the damage is too great and it won’t work.
But that’s not the way to approach this…I’m working on turning the negativity around – and there are plenty of bloggers out there who are inspiring me. I’m going to borrow a quote – ‘be the change you want to see in the world’. ☺

Strong enough

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this week, and it felt like mainly downs…And despite really wanting wine earlier, I’ve reached day six! My mind was full of chatter as usual. Full of negative noise. My usual response to this on a Friday night has been to open the wine, but I’m very glad I didn’t tonight.

It’s lovely to go to bed, looking forward to a day off tomorrow, and still be sober. Even though I haven’t been very successful on the self care front, I feel calmer just for being sober.

A friend at work told me yesterday, to always remember who I am, and work on looking after myself so that I’m strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me. She said she could sense how low I am, how the past few months have been hard for me. And the importance of her reminder to take care of myself is slowly sinking in…I felt too embattled yesterday to fully realise that I can change things for myself. But the idea is beginning to take root. And drinking will not help me. On to day seven 🙂

sobriety book

This week has been tiring so far. Husband is working late Mon -Thurs, and instead of getting home from work and taking advantage of the time to myself,  I find I’ve just been doing housework. Mm,  so much for self care. And then after a late dinner I just zone out in front of the TV which isn’t good either.

We have also been bickering. He’s stomped off upstairs to revise for a test he’s got tomorrow. I take offense when he says something thoughtless and silly, and then he gets all huffy with me. I sometimes worry that we are very different, despite our similarities. Perhaps too different?

But I’m sober. Had a fizzy orange presse drink mixed with soda water, now on Earl Grey tea. The book has arrived; The Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, by Annie Grace. It was on a list of thirteen sobriety books recommended by Holly Whitaker at Hip Sobriety. Might sack off the telly actually, and go and follow Mr W upstairs to read my book whilst he revises. I hate bickering with him but I also despair at what must go through his mind sometimes. It only adds to my feeling of coping with everything alone.

Tomorrow will be day five and must involve self care!

 

Day two

Last week I did an experiment at work for the year 13 biology students. Their practical hadn’t worked so I tried it again. On Friday,  there was one single tiny colony of bacteria on one of four agar plates…This morning I found hundreds of the lovely things on all the plates! All glowed green under UV light! Massive success with a temperamental experiment. It made my week!

I felt buoyed all day by my success. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’m thinking of trying the ‘add-back’ therapy or whatever it’s called, which mitigates the side effects of the hormone treatment I’m on. Today has been a better day but the previous few days were awful.

It’s also day two. It’s going well so far but of course it’s a week day. Friday and Saturday will be the tough ones, so I plan to read more sober blogs, listen to some of Belles audios, and there should be a book about sobriety winging it’s way to me as we speak. I need to get a replacement drink, as well, so that when Friday rolls around my new routine will be already established and it will be easier to stick to the plan!

It’s time to try harder

So today is day one. It’s time I stopped caving in on day 5 or 6. This is more important, and deserves more than the half-hearted effort I have been making.

Even though I’ve essentially been moderating and only drinking at weekends, this pattern has begun to affect me, possibly as much as if I was having wine every night. I’ve noticed self-care routines get pushed to one side, and even if it is only for a couple of days, there is a definite knock-on effect for the rest of the week. And I am in serious need of self-care at the moment. I’ve read a few posts lately from longer term sober bloggers, and I realise I want to be there again. I know it brought more fears of not fitting in for me last time, but I don’t fit in anywhere at all now anyway. So that shouldn’t make a difference.

Along similar lines to not fitting in… It’s Mother’s day today. Mr W and I are going to his mum’s, then over to my sister’s with all of my family for food later on. It feels like it’s going to be a long day, and maybe a day of putting a brave face on everything. Again.

And when I get back to work tomorrow, I’m dreading the ‘how was your weekend?’ questions. Especially since Friday was a snow day, and especially since it is Mother’s day. I know people just want to make conversation, but I feel like my life is so nothing that I never have anything positive to say, and would rather just get on with keeping my brave face in tact, get on with work.

And then there are other peoples responses…after this weekend obviously they will be talking about what they have done with their kids. This ‘brave face’ is so hard to keep up. The thought of having to act normal around everyone both today and tomorrow is so tiring and it’s making me cry.

Half an hour later...

I’m sorry if this makes me sound bitter and depressed. I’m just finding it really hard at the moment. One day at a time might help me here… Even one hour at a time. I can get through it. I will.