Day 17: Things that make me feel better #?

Hope everyone had a good weekend ūüôā

I did think about drinking…not having a drink as such, just about drinking in general. I wished, at some moments, that I could just be a normal drinker and not have to worry about staying sober. But when I thought more about how drinking would feel exactly, I did not feel I was missing out. Apart from anything else, I’m not missing the wasted weekend¬†mornings spent in bed sleeping off a headache.

Whilst the weather was good on Saturday I worked in the garden, pottering in the greenhouse and tidying the shed and coal house. And in the evening, Mr took me to see Eddie the Eagle. It was brilliant. If you get chance to see it, I can highly recommend it. Very uplifting, a good soundtrack, Hugh Jackman, what more could you ask for?! Well, Eddie only drank milk so the hero is sober too, added bonus!! I only just remember Eddie being in the Olympics, but had no concept of how much he had actually achieved. He never gave up!

Actually this should be in the #thingsthatmakemefeelbetter list, because that film is one of them, and I’m now watching Peter Kay’s Comedy Shuffle on BBC2, which is another.

Laughing is good ūüôā

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Baby Raspberry..? Post #2. Testing, testing 1,2,3

Well, two tests, anyway. We’ve put the brakes on Husbands sperm retrieval procedure for the time being. He got a phonecall today from the surgeons assistant who seemed very keen to book him in for the 3rd. Nice to know they can accommodate us so quickly¬†– Mr waking felt that the surgeon is busy sharpening his scalpel blades in readiness!

BUT we’ve decided (even though I’d like to bury my head in the sand and carry on with sperm retrieval, regardless) that I should have both the AMH test and Ultrasound before we continue any further. Before we part with ¬£2000+ for Mr W’s procedure. Which, of course, is common sense.

I’ve booked my appointment for Friday, 12 noon. I texted Mr, and didn’t hear very much from him, but when I got home he said he’d cancelled all his work so that he can take me ūüôā Which is lovely. I’m glad he can come with me because I’m anxious…I feel strangely vulnerable. I hate the rushing back and forth from work, and I’m not overly enthused about the ultrasound wand, or having blood taken. But I can handle those aspects. It’s the results I’m worried about. If it’s bad news, this could actually put a stop to all hopes of us having a baby Raspberry. I’ll keep you posted…

Wide awake

I should actually be in bed asleep, but I had to post this because I think Ive just had a bit of an insight into WHY I was so wound up before… (this might not make sense as Ive forgotten where I was up to with the story, plus I’m rushing cos husband might get cross that I’m downstairs tapping away on the computer, disturbing the peace at 2:45am!)…

Ever since I started in my job, I have tried to bring a sense of order to a fairly chaotic collection of chemicals, safety information, equipment, general supply, and schemes of work. It has been a part of¬†the role that I have¬†found especially satisfying. I’ve worked very hard on it, it has taken along time, for various reasons.

This new software we are using to combine most of the above in one coherent, frankly rather impressive, digital, overall record (sorry. Its late), is basically the start of the final stage on all of this organisation that Ive been doing over the last three years. I have a major interest in doing a fair share of this work myself, and yet I felt that the opportunity was being taken away from me РN was taking over.

I think that now I have some idea why I felt so irritated, I might be better able to articulate (where necessary) my feelings, and hopefully have an equal part in working on this database.

If I had been drinking¬†because of how¬†wound up I was earlier, I¬†don’t think I would have come to this realisation. I wouldn’t have¬†connected the two things together. But thanks to being sober, I now realise that my¬†irritation and frustration, is actually due to my vested interest, if you like, in contributing fairly to the final stages of this work I’ve been doing for so long.

This feels pretty major, being able to think more clearly about the reasons behind my emotions, because I’m not using alcohol¬†to zone out. I don’t feel like I had such moments of clear thinking the last time around.¬†Perhaps I’ve just forgotten.¬†I know I’m rambling at this point, but do you think I might finally be waking up….?!

 

Triggered. Very wound up.

Grrr. I have been wound up all day. I feel I’ve been doing all the leg work today at work. I let myself get wound up and couldn’t do anything about it. I’m cross with myself as much as anything.

Got 500ml vanilla coke on the way home AND donuts. Pancreas, I apologise, you have done nothing to deserve this. But I’m replacing one drug with another today.

I really would like this week to start improving. I think that actually needs to begin with me, so I’m off to get myself in a better frame of mind….

Tired but re-focusing

I’ve been so tired the last couple of days, I’m thinking I might need the iron tablets from the pharmacy. I’m using supermarket own brand which maybe aren’t as good. I read somewhere that you shouldn’t try to save money on vitamins by buying cheap versions¬†– there really is a big difference in quality between the non-branded and branded ones. Perhaps it’s the same for minerals. Painkillers, not so, apparently. Cheap is fine.

Of course it may not be the iron tablets at all. I’m having trouble sleeping because of the hot flushes. And last night I had endo pain, and put off taking the (cheap) painkillers thinking I would fall asleep…..Or could it just be¬†because I’m sober? I think it’s day eleven today! I was really upbeat last week, and I’ve come down from that somewhat. I’m trying very hard not to take my eye off the ball this time though. I think that’s what has happened all these times I’ve¬†done 7 – 14 days, I got lazy and my attention wandered.

So as I’m feeling a bit flat in general, to try and re-focus I’m¬†listening to Belle¬†– the audios I have are basically on a loop. ‘External factors’ was on there 3 times for some reason, so I heard ‘I will not drink, no matter what….‘ three times! She’s still going now, I’m back to my Sober Jumpstart audios. In fact she’s talking about sleep. Yep. Sleep is so great.

Although I’m not feeling particularly¬†motivated,¬†I¬†decided I¬†ought not¬†to be a ‘coping cactus’ and I put¬†the favourite¬†bed linen on, and¬†painted my toenails a cheerful shade of pink. Almond nail oil is next (fingers. maybe toes too?), and then sleep.¬†Sweet dreams¬†ūüôā

 

baby raspberry…? Post #1

I use the name ‘Raspberry’ on my emails to Belle, and I wanted to stay anonymous even though I’m now writing about infertility on my sobriety blog…so this is what I’m calling the fertility posts until I can think of a better name!!

I just sent an email to my husband’s surgeon (who did the vasectomy reversal), enquiring about sperm retrieval. I’ve got a horrible feeling it’s going to cost upwards of ¬£2000. I’m not sure whether that will fall under the treatments that my parents have offered to fund for us or not…as we move closer to things actually happening, I need to have that conversation, obviously.

The patient advisor at the fertility clinic we will be going to said that sperm retrieval should be done first, before our other tests. but I’m now wondering whether to contact her again and ask about an AMH test for me before we have anything else done. But that’s kind of a double edged sword. My gynaecologist did say to me at the last appointment that AMH testing does provide more information which is useful, however it’s not the whole story. I’ve just had a quick google too, and I found a forum where people were discussing AMH levels. One girl said pretty much the same…she was devastated when she found out her levels – they were low even though she was only 29. But she succeeded with IVF. She said AMH is not the entire picture, even though it is an indication. I’m not sure. I just want to go ahead with all of it, because a chance is a chance, right?!

A good day

Yesterday was a much better day at work. I¬†felt a bit fragile and emotional because¬†the pregnant teacher and head of dept were giggling about her baby bump. She’s showing a lot more, and for some stupid reason, I just don’t know where to look when people talk about it. But I’m still trying really hard to redirect my thoughts to myself, and the action that my husband and I need to take to get to where we want to be. I’m doing quite well at that, I think.¬†Having said that,¬†my brain is trying to have silly, anxious thoughts about what my colleagues think of me. A and I were talking about the new supply teacher, who seemed very anxious. I compared this to myself¬†– I admitted I’m an anxious person, but I didn’t think I made other people feel anxious by being anxious myself, as this supply teacher does.¬†He said ‘oh yes, you were very nervous when you started here’. Yes I know. But¬† I wasn’t immobilised by fear, I’m certain of that. I remember deciding to smile, say yes a lot, and be friendly all the time, and worry about what the hell I was doing later. It was a good strategy, I think! But now I’m worrying that I looked like a total idiot.

No, no. I can’t allow myself to think like this. I worked in a supermarket for 10+ years, completely away from my academic background of science. Then¬†I got this job, where there was no-one doing the job to train me. So I picked it all up along the way. Even when the second technician joined a few weeks later, she’d never done the job either. I’m really proud of how I’ve progressed and what I can do now. Dammit, who bloody cares if I was nervous to start with!!¬†This just goes to show that sobriety is absolutely the way forward for me, as my mind definitely tends towards anxiety, and drinking would only add to that.

So to continue with the story…N and I swapped activities for the day – there was an experiment coming up which meant she could put into practice the skills she learned on a recent training course, and I explained I really needed some practice using the spreadsheet. So instead of doing what we both found easiest (she is so good on the computer I am rather intimidated), we worked on areas we needed to improve. Win/win!

It’s been a good day today. I slept in late (Mr had a fire call, so I was awake for a couple of hours early morning), then did a couple of loads of laundry. Walked to the post office, then did a detour on the way home, along the reservoir and through the woods. The birds were singing, it was lovely. I planted more seeds in the greenhouse, then had a bath, and made curry for tea afterwards.

It’s late now, husband is out at the pub and I’m going to have one more AF drink then go to bed. He said earlier he’d like to go out, and I thought oh no, I hope he’s not going to try to make me go with him and ‘just have one drink’. But no, I told him he should go if he wanted to and he said ‘can I?’. I don’t feel I’m missing out at all, and I’m so glad he’s doing what he wants and I’m doing what I want. Another win/win:)

 

 

I sound like I’m 3. I’m actually 6 (days)

So, it was sober day 6 today. I started off feeling excited about my discovery of the free inventory software, and shared my ideas with N, who thought it was as amazing as I did. She then spent the whole day at the computer sorting our data ready to import. I sort of felt like a spare part, a bit left out. I do realise I sound like a three year old whose friend has pinched their new toy and won’t share… but I found the idea, and it’s my bat and it’s my ball!

Oh well. I was a bit down all day really, a bit off. Had a nap before tea which helped, and just before I drifted off, I listened to a couple of Belle’s one minute messages. She said a shitty sober day is so much better than having to face a new day one. I couldn’t agree more at this point, day one is exhausting and repeated day ones even more so. I’m moving as far away from it as I can. And the good thing about a shit day is that it has a tomorrow…

So, sober sleep time again. I love sober sleep. I love the calm of sobriety that I know will arrive. Having a brain like a humming bird on acid can get a bit wearing😐.

Sweet dreams x

Overwhelm? Lists.

I had a little cry on my own today at work. The teacher who’s pregnant is really showing now. She was saying that the kids asked her about it today, and people are just generally talking about it more. I’m envious. It’s¬†hard to change the way I feel,¬†so I tried¬†to change my focus¬†instead.¬†We have a plan, my husband I.¬†Some days it feels¬†like a long time until things get¬†properly moving,¬†but realistically,¬†we need¬†to be getting ourselves prepared for this.¬†So I concentrated on thinking about our next steps – what needs to happen for me, now? What¬†action do I need to take? it seemed to work – I have more control over what happens to me at this point, than I ever will over what is happening to someone else.

The thing is, though,¬†I want to strike the right balance between getting things done and avoiding overwhelm. Because I know I’m more likely to drink if I wind myself up too tightly. For example, amongst other things, Husband told me yesterday that we (I) really do need to get a new (used) car. It has been on the cards for a while, and now it’s passed it’s MOT now would be a good time to sell before it loses any more value. So I’ve started down this whole ‘I need to sell all my worldly possessions’ train of thought, to be able to pay for a new car. Or at least put something down as a deposit.

I spoke to my other colleague,¬†N, about some of this¬†and she said, ‘do you make lists?’. I said yes, but I don’t want the to-do list ruling my every waking moment. But she pointed out the benefits of getting everything down on paper to clear the mind. Yes! I need this! I need a clear mind!! I also realised that a list had worked well for me over the holidays –¬†I seemed to be in an optimal frame of mind for tackling it. I have asked Belle about determining this fine line between achieving and obsessing, and¬†I look forward to her take on it as¬†she often talks about overwhelm.

Other news: last night I swapped the winter duvet for the summer one, which made for a¬†MUCH more comfortable night!…Went for another walk – only a short one – this evening. The sun was shining, it was lovely…And I’m looking forward to a good day at work tomorrow – I came across some software on the internet which I’m excited to share with N. I see lots of cataloguing inventory in¬†our future. Mm, lists. That department WILL be organised if it’s the¬† last thing I do.

It’s day 5 and I’m happy ūüôā I hope you guys are too xx

Ask for help

I was right about the sleepless night! But I had a good day at work despite quite a lot of yawning and some more hot flushes just to keep me on my toes. Lab coat off, cardigan off, fan face with nearest available piece of paper/card/anything!! Then everything back on again when it’s passed.

My pre-op assessment was this afternoon, and I was fine with going alone until I realised I was soooo tired. Mr W said he would be unavailable, so I called my dad this morning to see if he was free. He had choir, but he said he could cancel. I didn’t want him to forego choir so I said I’d be ok. He suggested my sister as she was on day off, however, I know she hates one of the roundabouts¬†on the way¬†to the hospital, and will ordinarily go to great lengths to avoid it. But if that is¬†your actual destination, you can’t really avoid it.¬†So I said no, its OK, I’ll really be fine by myself. I know that seems a bit of an odd thing to decide, as my sister would have loved to help, I’m sure, BUT she also gets very stressed whilst driving, so had she¬†offered, she would have had to tackle the roundabout I mentioned. And no doubt I would have felt very stressed as well. On ordinary days, when we’re just going out shopping etc, that wouldn’t be a problem, but I was already anxious – thinking of the surgery really, rather than the pre-op – so I knew I didn’t want to add to my anxiety. I was trying to keep everything as calm as possible.

As it happened, my husband’s day had changed because of the nature of one of his jobs, plus it was wet so he couldn’t do the roof work he had planned. Being home early, he was able to take me, thank goodness! Otherwise I think I would’ve needed a strong coffee and wound the window down to stay awake. And parking is a nightmare at that hospital, it takes ages of driving around to find a space, so if you’re on your own you have to plan time for that too,¬†to still get to your appointment.¬†So, great news all round!

I spoke to my mum just after all this, and she offered to come with me. She doesn’t drive, but just wanted to keep me company on the way! Which would have been really great, had I needed it. People really are there when you need them¬†– I had four family members who all could have helped. I’m¬†very grateful¬†they are there for me – and I’m glad I did ask for help.

On day 4 being sober, I want to do whatever I can to make this last as long as I can, and something tells me that it’s not just¬†how¬†I cope when¬†I’m really struggling on day 7 or 10 or 14 that matters. It’s going to be the little things I can do every day to¬†look after myself, to stop myself from reaching the ‘can’t cope’ moments, that will make all the difference.

In fact, the last few months, I haven’t been doing any of those little things. And when I got to day 7, day 10 or day 14, the result was that I didn’t cope, I gave in and drank wine.

Ask for help, you won’t regret it ūüôā