This time

I haven’t written in a while. I felt a bit trapped into inertia by the fact that a) I have been drinking and b) I wanted to write about infertility issues, but haven’t started a separate blog. I don’t really want to either, and yet I don’t want people to be bored by the infertility stuff, so I’m going to borrow an idea and title my infertility posts to mark them out as distinct from the sobriety ones.

I’ve started again – day two today – for numerous reasons. It’s not that I was drinking every night or anything, but when I did drink over the past couple of weeks, there was less and less enjoyment (any at all? I’m not sure), and more and more haziness in my brain generally.

I had an argument with Husband last week, which got to the root of a few issues which was good, but at the time, he basically said he misses going out drinking with me. I’m sort of blaming that for my stopping at 10 days again and having a drink, even though I thought it was unfair of him to say things like that, and I was trying to convince him of the benefits of me being sober. Anyway, as I said, I’ve been drinking on and off since then, and I’ve noticed a few things.

I don’t actually enjoy drinking wine. The idea of drinking is great, I mean, a friend of Mr Ws has said a similar thing; wouldn’t it be great if they all tasted like the first one? But they don’t. I was reading Belle’s first month of blog posts in bed this morning, and one of the comments went something like; I think I would like to stop drinking before I have three glasses. But by the time I actually reach the third glass, I’ve had two already, and so my brain can’t choose whether or not to have the third glass without being under the influence of the first two.

But when I actually drink, I can even feel a part of my brain going, ‘this is ridiculous, after the first one it’s not that great, I’m feeling fuzzy and useless and I need to stop’. But there’s this other part, the part that’s under the influence (Wolfie?) that steamrollers over everything else and says I should just keep going. And generally, I do.

As I said, it hasn’t been every night. I have stayed sober when I have Things To Do the next morning. But I don’t like the way that the compulsion to drink seems to be increasing. With no benefit at all when I do drink. As in, I can’t really work out why I’m having a drink whilst I’m drinking, it’s just for its own sake. And then the next day, and even in-between days sometimes, I feel sluggish, or start thinking about drinking far too much.

This time I need to find those sober supports again, and work out how I got myself to 400 days last September. I’ve emailed Belle to start Team 100 again, and I told my husband my intention, explaining why. He high fived me, so that’s a good start – I can count on him for support, rather than him telling me it’s OK just to have one.

Day two feels like such a tiny number, and 100 such a huge one. But it’s nice to be here 🙂

 

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11 thoughts on “This time”

  1. Hey-nice to see a blog post from you. I’ve been thinking of you lately! I’m sorry the sobriety thing has been hard. I think anyone who has struggled with any type of addiction can certainly relate! I am a big fan of wine, myself, but I’ve really been cutting back a lot since the surgery. I couldn’t drink and take the pain meds, but when I stopped the pain meds, I was eager to drink and I did, but it wasn’t as enjoyable. It actually made me wake up a lot in the middle of the night and I just felt gross. But for some reason, I wanted more a couple days later, but I don’t think I really “wanted” it…it was more of a mental thing. I’ve always felt like wine has helped relax me and quell the anxiety, etc, but I don’t know that it really does. So I haven’t had any in over a week.
    Also–I’m glad you aren’t starting a separate blog for infertility. I think this is all part of your journey. Those who follow your blog will likely be interested in everything that’s happening with you, not just the sobriety bit. That’s how I feel anyway. Xo

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    1. Hi! Thanks for the comment, I’ve been thinking about you too, so I’m sorry I haven’t commented or anything. I was a bit consumed with the above!! And I’m so glad you think its a good idea to stick with the one blog. I’ve been trying to sort it out a bit in terms of categories and tags. There’s a bit more of an explanation as to why I went sober the first time on the post in October 2014 (I think). I’ve just renamed it Why I quit drinking. It has to do with infertility and talks about the social event I describe in my first post, too, so really the two things have been related from the very beginning.
      Hope you’re well, how is the pain now? xx

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      1. Pain is much better now. Pretty much non existent! I’m back at work. Mainly just tired still! I haven’t written anything in a little bit, either. Need to get back to it soon! Xo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think you will ever be able to understand the compulsive behaviour. That is addiction.
    It is baffling and insane.

    My only solution was to not drink. I tried many many others. If they involved booze, I lost.

    You may need to tell your husband you WILL be different, at least for a while, as you find sobriety. He will have to find a new drinking partner, or even better, the two of you can find new interests that font require alcohol.

    Alcohol abuse and infertility can be linked. Have you talked to your doctor?

    Keep writing.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Anne 🙂 I think my husband does understand now. We are planning to get healthy together in advance of the IVF treatment. We have four months to improve diet and fitness, so I’m hoping that can be our new joint focus. I mean, I don’t want to feel like we’ve joined the marines or anything, but, you know.
      Yes I sometimes wonder if my endometriosis was caused by drinking too much wine. I have been through some bad times, a bad relationship – years even – of drinking too much, and it must have taken its toll. But it’s too late now – I am where I am, and I’m trying not to think about that too much because I can’t really know the cause for certain. I would rather look forward and try to do my best with what I know now. (There’s also my husbands side of things, which, when we first got together, I thought we could fix with a little operation…Oh how wrong I was!)
      I also – and I’ve said this before – I just really would like some of the calm that I felt when I had some decent sober time. Time. This time!

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      1. I wasn’t implying drinking cause infertility. I apologize if it sounded like that!
        But I have read it can cause immediate hormonal swings. I went into early menopause and am only now, 2 years later, finding my hormone shifts normalizing.

        I know it isn’t all the alcohol, but, for me, it definitely contributed to night sweats, etc.

        That calm is nice. I know you will get back to it.

        Anne

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No worries, I didn’t think you meant it like that! I’m having hot flushes at the moment due to the hormone treatment. I can sympathise! Hopefully they will wear off as I’ve decided to stop having those injections.

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