I should actually be in bed asleep, but I had to post this because I think Ive just had a bit of an insight into WHY I was so wound up before… (this might not make sense as Ive forgotten where I was up to with the story, plus I’m rushing cos husband might get cross that I’m downstairs tapping away on the computer, disturbing the peace at 2:45am!)…
Ever since I started in my job, I have tried to bring a sense of order to a fairly chaotic collection of chemicals, safety information, equipment, general supply, and schemes of work. It has been a part of the role that I have found especially satisfying. I’ve worked very hard on it, it has taken along time, for various reasons.
This new software we are using to combine most of the above in one coherent, frankly rather impressive, digital, overall record (sorry. Its late), is basically the start of the final stage on all of this organisation that Ive been doing over the last three years. I have a major interest in doing a fair share of this work myself, and yet I felt that the opportunity was being taken away from me – N was taking over.
I think that now I have some idea why I felt so irritated, I might be better able to articulate (where necessary) my feelings, and hopefully have an equal part in working on this database.
If I had been drinking because of how wound up I was earlier, I don’t think I would have come to this realisation. I wouldn’t have connected the two things together. But thanks to being sober, I now realise that my irritation and frustration, is actually due to my vested interest, if you like, in contributing fairly to the final stages of this work I’ve been doing for so long.
This feels pretty major, being able to think more clearly about the reasons behind my emotions, because I’m not using alcohol to zone out. I don’t feel like I had such moments of clear thinking the last time around. Perhaps I’ve just forgotten. I know I’m rambling at this point, but do you think I might finally be waking up….?!