How to be happy

For some reason I’m starting to remember snippets of my dreams again. I haven’t remembered dreams for months, years even. Although the drinking dreams used to come up now and again. Anyway, last night I remember talking to someone in my dream, and I was telling them I knew how to be happy. “You carry it around inside you”, I said. Meaning, it’s not what happens to you  that counts, its how you determine yourself to be, on the inside. Oddly, I wasn’t coming from the perspective of being happy, but just knowing how. Bizarre.

At the same time I was talking about my ideas, literally as I was still talking, I was aware of someone – a girl – by the side of me, who was telling anyone who would listen, she thought there was another way. It was kind of like, when you’re talking in a group of people, and there’s some talk across people, breaking off into other little discussions. But I could still hear. She was saying “You have to go out into the world and give it to people…” and the unsaid part was ….then you will feel it yourself.

Now, where all of this came from I have no idea. I mean, I have had a rocky couple of weeks. Last week I fell into a depression, which I might talk about later. It has started to turn around, but there’s a long way to go (isn’t there bloody always with me).

I know that being happy for me involves quitting alcohol. I don’t know how the rest of life should go. No idea. I think I like to be on my own; that’s bad for me…too much negative thinking (who knew). I fit in with only a very tiny amount of people, and don’t feel comfortable being with those I know less well. I feel less than, not good enough, like I don’t measure up.

I find it very hard to put down all the negativity, even though I would love to be able to walk out of my life as it is, and into a positive and fulfilling one. Infertility has complicated things, and added to the barriers that I feel between me and other people (barriers that may or may not actually exist).

I’ve decided that instead of counting days quite so much, waiting for them to stack up to some magic number, I’d be better off spending my sober time trying to get to the bottom of all this. Why do I feel so judged by other people? Do I think they are so different from me? Why don’t I have the confidence to find ‘my people’ if I (sometimes) crave the type of recognition and belonging that brings?

And on the darker days, the one I really struggle with is If I don’t find solutions to all of the above pretty quickly, and if I ultimately fail in my efforts to become a mother…How will I know I have a place in the world?

Sorry to end on such a negative note, I just need to get it all out there.

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Baby raspberry..? Post #3 shifting down a gear. Again.

We went for a consultation at the private fertility clinic on Wednesday. It feels like weeks ago now.
The doctor we spoke to was lovely. But the results of my tests weren’t good. My AMH was 1.4, falling short of the 5.5 minimum expected of a woman my age. The scan showed 7 follicles, which is something at least. Although ideally I think they like to see 10. The really worrying thing for me was, that the fibroid, which isn’t particularly huge (about 2 – 3 cm), is causing a marked indentation into the uterus cavity. And the doctor was concerned that it may be interfering with the surface of the endometrium, which would be very bad. I did ask whether, if that was in fact the case, anything could be done to rectify it. But I can’t remember what she said. I will be emailing her with all the paperwork I have received so far from the nhs hospital where I’ve had my other procedures, so I’m going to ask the question again.

I’m strangely optimistic about the AMH level. I am convinced the only reason it is low is due to the effects of the Prostap hormone treatment I had for two months, which is still affecting my cycle. I am quite sure that AMH will return to normal after 3 or 4 cycles (when they choose to start up again, that is!!). In September, I’ll go for the day 3 blood tests, and hopefully that will show normal levels of AMH, FSH and LH.

The doctor was questioning the reasons for me having the fallopian tubes removed, as they didn’t pick up on any fluid in the tubes on the ultrasound can. Hence my sending all correspondence from the hospital to her (I couldn’t get an appointment with the nhs consultant, they were having trouble ‘fitting people in’) so she can cast her medically trained eye over it. I’ve worked out what most of it means but there’s some stuff I’m not sure on.

So more waiting. I’m really struggling, which is why I haven’t written for a while. I actually drank on Saturday night, after 35 days sober. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it but I just feel crap in general. I’m afraid to hope, really, is the long and the short of it. And feeling negative and/or trying to push everything to the back of my mind is very draining, day in, day out.

Ups and downs

After feeling like I was bobbing along nicely yesterday, I hit a low this afternoon. I’ve been busy at work this week, so I’m tired. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and phoned Mr W to ask if he wanted me to get him a beer. He said yes, and told me to get water as well.
I know it’s silly, but I instantly turned from feeling good about having finished work for the weekend, to feeling pissed off because I have to do everything. Which is probably not true, but it sometimes feels like it.
The thing is, apart from his busy season in the autumn and part of winter, my husband leaves for work after me, and gets home before me. And he works for himself in his main job, and earns more than me. Which I don’t mind at all – I’m so lucky in that I absolutely love my job and I’m very happy doing what I do. But if he would just help out a little with shopping for example…but no, it seems like I have to do it 90% of the time. And he’s at home lying on the sofa!

The reason I got annoyed today was that I was thinking of him, and asked if I could get him a drink… And all I got in response was a request for a really heavy item. I had a hand basket rather than a trolley so I was lugging all these heavy things round the shop, chunnering away to myself. By the time I got home, though, I wasn’t really annoyed, as much as sad.

I mentioned yesterday about being inclined to avoid social events, and I think I feel a bit isolated. Because I’m trying to stay sober, and because we don’t have children, and because we’re struggling with infertility.

I feel sad because there is a baby – shaped hole in my life, and some days I’m not that good at filling it with other things.

When I got home, I got in bed and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. I felt like I wanted wine to fill the hole temporarily, because I was too tired to try to fill it any other way. And yet I’m sober, so I can’t drink wine.  And that made me sad too, and it felt draining to contemplate socialising, sober.

I was still for a while, just thinking about how miserable I felt. Then I decided I’d just have to go and have something to eat, just get on with it. Husband got Chinese takeaway, and even though I wasn’t keen at first, I ate almost a whole portion of chicken and black bean sauce. I must have been really hungry. I felt a bit better, and we watched one of our new favourite sky box set episodes – The Tunnel.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better still. I forget that in addition to the normal routine of being busy at work, all the infertility related stuff must still be taking its toll in terms of mental energy, and without the usual avoidance behaviour of drinking wine, I will have to face head on those low moments when life just feels shit. There is still a long way to go, and many more ups and downs to come, no doubt.

Quiet

It definitely gets easier, being sober. The day to day not drinking, gets more normal. I haven’t thought much about drinking in the last few days. It’s nice to not have to wrestle with that inner voice that just wants wine.

I am aware, though, that I haven’t encountered any events yet. All quiet on the social front. I’m a bit worried about that. Sometimes I feel inclined to stay home for the rest of my life actually, considering most friends of ours have children. And all the pregnant women you can bump into…well. It’s hard, and makes me want to hide in my sober bubble.

Sobriety seems to be helping, in that respect. There’s the sober bubble, where I can hide when it all gets too much. Also treats and self care, which ensure I don’t get overwhelmed, and I can deal with stuff. And I can sleep, therefore no waking up at 3:30 am, driving myself crazy with shame, fear, and doubt. And no false emotions caused by half a bottle of red, no tears after arguing with husband because I’m too fuzzy to think straight.

I need to remind myself of all of this when the next event arises. And when the triggers occur. For example, the weather has recently taken a turn for the better, and a glass of something nice outside on my new bistro table and chairs rather appeals.

But no! I will stay sober. It has taken this time for the drinking voice to quieten down even a little bit, so the last thing I want to do is get it going again.

Can’t believe it’s day 24!

I’m still here and still sober…

Had some ups and downs both in terms of sobriety and infertility last week but I’m Ok! Happy to be sober. Erm, obviously not happy to be infertile but I think things are going in the right direction.

I had an ultrasound scan and blood test on Friday.  The ultrasound showed that the fibroid is bigger than we thought. Or should I say, bigger than it was. We don’t know the blood test results yet, but have a consultation booked for next week. I think they’ll probably recommend having the fibroid removed. Great. More surgery. I need to get back in touch with the nhs consultant for that. In an ideal world it would be done at the same time as the tube removal but I don’t know if it’s even that type of fibroid. So, more waiting until we know what’s what. I’m nervous about the AMH results too….

Day 24 sober, where did that come from! I’m feeling rather proud of myself – although I haven’t had to face any social events, I’m just being a hermit at the moment.

Hope you’re all happy and sober out there 🙂