After feeling like I was bobbing along nicely yesterday, I hit a low this afternoon. I’ve been busy at work this week, so I’m tired. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and phoned Mr W to ask if he wanted me to get him a beer. He said yes, and told me to get water as well.
I know it’s silly, but I instantly turned from feeling good about having finished work for the weekend, to feeling pissed off because I have to do everything. Which is probably not true, but it sometimes feels like it.
The thing is, apart from his busy season in the autumn and part of winter, my husband leaves for work after me, and gets home before me. And he works for himself in his main job, and earns more than me. Which I don’t mind at all – I’m so lucky in that I absolutely love my job and I’m very happy doing what I do. But if he would just help out a little with shopping for example…but no, it seems like I have to do it 90% of the time. And he’s at home lying on the sofa!
The reason I got annoyed today was that I was thinking of him, and asked if I could get him a drink… And all I got in response was a request for a really heavy item. I had a hand basket rather than a trolley so I was lugging all these heavy things round the shop, chunnering away to myself. By the time I got home, though, I wasn’t really annoyed, as much as sad.
I mentioned yesterday about being inclined to avoid social events, and I think I feel a bit isolated. Because I’m trying to stay sober, and because we don’t have children, and because we’re struggling with infertility.
I feel sad because there is a baby – shaped hole in my life, and some days I’m not that good at filling it with other things.
When I got home, I got in bed and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. I felt like I wanted wine to fill the hole temporarily, because I was too tired to try to fill it any other way. And yet I’m sober, so I can’t drink wine. And that made me sad too, and it felt draining to contemplate socialising, sober.
I was still for a while, just thinking about how miserable I felt. Then I decided I’d just have to go and have something to eat, just get on with it. Husband got Chinese takeaway, and even though I wasn’t keen at first, I ate almost a whole portion of chicken and black bean sauce. I must have been really hungry. I felt a bit better, and we watched one of our new favourite sky box set episodes – The Tunnel.
Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better still. I forget that in addition to the normal routine of being busy at work, all the infertility related stuff must still be taking its toll in terms of mental energy, and without the usual avoidance behaviour of drinking wine, I will have to face head on those low moments when life just feels shit. There is still a long way to go, and many more ups and downs to come, no doubt.