Ups and downs

After feeling like I was bobbing along nicely yesterday, I hit a low this afternoon. I’ve been busy at work this week, so I’m tired. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and phoned Mr W to ask if he wanted me to get him a beer. He said yes, and told me to get water as well.
I know it’s silly, but I instantly turned from feeling good about having finished work for the weekend, to feeling pissed off because I have to do everything. Which is probably not true, but it sometimes feels like it.
The thing is, apart from his busy season in the autumn and part of winter, my husband leaves for work after me, and gets home before me. And he works for himself in his main job, and earns more than me. Which I don’t mind at all – I’m so lucky in that I absolutely love my job and I’m very happy doing what I do. But if he would just help out a little with shopping for example…but no, it seems like I have to do it 90% of the time. And he’s at home lying on the sofa!

The reason I got annoyed today was that I was thinking of him, and asked if I could get him a drink… And all I got in response was a request for a really heavy item. I had a hand basket rather than a trolley so I was lugging all these heavy things round the shop, chunnering away to myself. By the time I got home, though, I wasn’t really annoyed, as much as sad.

I mentioned yesterday about being inclined to avoid social events, and I think I feel a bit isolated. Because I’m trying to stay sober, and because we don’t have children, and because we’re struggling with infertility.

I feel sad because there is a baby – shaped hole in my life, and some days I’m not that good at filling it with other things.

When I got home, I got in bed and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. I felt like I wanted wine to fill the hole temporarily, because I was too tired to try to fill it any other way. And yet I’m sober, so I can’t drink wine.  And that made me sad too, and it felt draining to contemplate socialising, sober.

I was still for a while, just thinking about how miserable I felt. Then I decided I’d just have to go and have something to eat, just get on with it. Husband got Chinese takeaway, and even though I wasn’t keen at first, I ate almost a whole portion of chicken and black bean sauce. I must have been really hungry. I felt a bit better, and we watched one of our new favourite sky box set episodes – The Tunnel.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better still. I forget that in addition to the normal routine of being busy at work, all the infertility related stuff must still be taking its toll in terms of mental energy, and without the usual avoidance behaviour of drinking wine, I will have to face head on those low moments when life just feels shit. There is still a long way to go, and many more ups and downs to come, no doubt.

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10 thoughts on “Ups and downs”

  1. Sending love. It’s not an easy road, navigating sobriety and infertility. It is really really hard! I don’t think people realize how difficult it is. I agree, it can be very isolating when you feel like you are the only one who can’t drink or have children- seemingly very normal parts of life.
    You are so strong and doing so well- please remind yourself of this often ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks 🙂 I was doing really well earlier this week and this sudden change took me by surprise.
      I will try to stick to my plan of taking any good feelings, good moods, and really running with them. And leaving the bad feelings where they are and moving on as soon as I can.
      You helped me to remember that – Thankyou! X

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just by writing your thoughts, you are taking care of yourself.
    Ask for what you need.
    When I am low, I have to give myself even more self-care and compassion.
    You are carrying a lot, emotionally, mentally and physically.
    Be sure to rest.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you are feeling better. It would be nice to have something to say to you to make you instantly feel better. Wouldn’t that be nice, indeed? 🙂
    I like what Untipsyteacher said. It is very good advice. Well said.
    Feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean, I want that ‘something’ to say to other people to make them feel better…
      It helps to know people are out there. I’m not on my own. Thanks 🙂

      Like

  4. Found your blog. It’s nice to read posts from someone a little further ahead. 3 weeks for me. 30 days seemed so far away not that long ago…almost within reach now. I am thinking of you and reading about your journey.

    Like

  5. Have you been able to articulate to your husband about how you felt when he asked you to pick up heavy items on your way home? And even though you had asked, that one of those things happens to be a beer when you are doing your best to stay sober? That was heavy for you to carry home in both the literal sense and the the psychological sense too.

    Sobriety is a tough road and infertility adds those extra deep pot holes. I wish you well for your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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