How to be happy

For some reason I’m starting to remember snippets of my dreams again. I haven’t remembered dreams for months, years even. Although the drinking dreams used to come up now and again. Anyway, last night I remember talking to someone in my dream, and I was telling them I knew how to be happy. “You carry it around inside you”, I said. Meaning, it’s not what happens to you  that counts, its how you determine yourself to be, on the inside. Oddly, I wasn’t coming from the perspective of being happy, but just knowing how. Bizarre.

At the same time I was talking about my ideas, literally as I was still talking, I was aware of someone – a girl – by the side of me, who was telling anyone who would listen, she thought there was another way. It was kind of like, when you’re talking in a group of people, and there’s some talk across people, breaking off into other little discussions. But I could still hear. She was saying “You have to go out into the world and give it to people…” and the unsaid part was ….then you will feel it yourself.

Now, where all of this came from I have no idea. I mean, I have had a rocky couple of weeks. Last week I fell into a depression, which I might talk about later. It has started to turn around, but there’s a long way to go (isn’t there bloody always with me).

I know that being happy for me involves quitting alcohol. I don’t know how the rest of life should go. No idea. I think I like to be on my own; that’s bad for me…too much negative thinking (who knew). I fit in with only a very tiny amount of people, and don’t feel comfortable being with those I know less well. I feel less than, not good enough, like I don’t measure up.

I find it very hard to put down all the negativity, even though I would love to be able to walk out of my life as it is, and into a positive and fulfilling one. Infertility has complicated things, and added to the barriers that I feel between me and other people (barriers that may or may not actually exist).

I’ve decided that instead of counting days quite so much, waiting for them to stack up to some magic number, I’d be better off spending my sober time trying to get to the bottom of all this. Why do I feel so judged by other people? Do I think they are so different from me? Why don’t I have the confidence to find ‘my people’ if I (sometimes) crave the type of recognition and belonging that brings?

And on the darker days, the one I really struggle with is If I don’t find solutions to all of the above pretty quickly, and if I ultimately fail in my efforts to become a mother…How will I know I have a place in the world?

Sorry to end on such a negative note, I just need to get it all out there.

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7 thoughts on “How to be happy”

  1. I think you identified a lot of substance to what you need to address. Do you have a therapist to talk to about all this? Your worry regarding how others view you and your reaction to those perceptions needs work in order for you to find happiness. As I commented to another, quitting drinking just clears your head to begin to address that. Don’t expect that not drinking will solve anything, it’s just one step that paves the way for you to begin the really hard work toward finding true inner happiness….what your own dream was alluding to. It’s hard to tackle all this at once but you definitely need to get the alcohol out of the equation first. My two cents. Cheering for you on all fronts: the alcohol, the infertility and your inner peace! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Habit, I totally get what you’re saying. Can’t afford the counsellor at the moment unfortunately. I’m sticking to sobriety, and I’m fully aware it doesn’t fix anything. I’ll just have to deal with what I can, when I can, as this can all feel overwhelming!

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  2. Hi! I love this post. First of, let me just say that I have been keeping up with ALL your posts, even though I don’t always comment. I’ve been going through a serious bout of depression/tough time as well. Things with my husband haven’t been going well, etc, and on top of all the infertility stuff, well, it just makes life miserable. But honestly, I find nearly every single thing you write SO relatable! I, too, have few friends and have the same insecurities and feelings that you do. I love my time alone, but then I also find myself wishing I had a bigger group of friends who I could open up with, etc. Even with the few friends I have, I find it difficult to talk about my endometriosis or infertility or problems with my husband, etc, because they can’t relate and then I get even more depressed about it all. It’s just hard. That all being said–you definitely have a place in this world. Your words, this blog…you help people like me feel like they aren’t alone. I always thought my place in the world was all about being a mother, but now I have to figure out what’s next or what my future holds. Anyway, you are great. We may have an entire ocean between us, but I’d like to think if we knew each other in real life, we’d be friends. 🙂 So keep going. Stay strong. Keep writing. Don’t give up. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for your kind words! This really boosted me this morning 🙂
    I’m glad you’re reading still. It’s good to know that I might be helping, even if only as a reminder that we’re not alone.
    I struggle with the fact that my husband and I deal with this very differently. I always think he doesn’t communicate well or respond to my feelings. I spelled out my feelings very clearly this morning and he actually did get it. I know they can be like another species, but if you try to explain when you feel calmer, he might surprise you like mine did and handle it better than you thought?
    Thanks again for the lovely comment, I’m so glad you’re still in touch xxx

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  4. Dear Waking Up,
    Getting and staying happily sober is such a journey in self-growth, and on top of it, you are struggling with fertility. It takes so much work, but on the other side it is worth it.
    Self-esteem issues still plague me at times.
    Give your self some kudos for doing so well despite the problems!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Wendy, I don’t think I’m doing well to be honest. Husband and I have now fallen out and I feel stupid at work.
      I want to hide away from the world and never come out!
      I hope you’re ok, glad you mother is getting better. Good luck with all the packing etc.
      Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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