Fidgety but hopeful!

Today is day two of being sober. My last stretch was 35 days and then I flailed around a bit, feeling sorry for myself and thinking I couldn’t cope with sobriety and infertility, all at the same time.

I was wrong. I mean, it’s not even a valid argument for continuing to drink, because the two things aren’t remotely related to each other. Drinking is not a solution to the problems we face, and yet I can’t expect things to magically fall into place just because I’m sober.

Drinking isn’t particularly enjoyable in its own right, either. I sometimes forget that fact when life seems hard, sober. I have chosen to drink recently because I wanted it to provide that relaxation and escape from ordinary life. But it’s a myth, doesn’t work.

It’s not easy, even though I’ve realised this. During the witching hour yesterday and today, I was fidgety and wanted wine. Told my husband I wanted wine, when he was going to the shop to get beer. Then changed my mind because I want to actually do this, I want to be sober. He said he was only going to get NA beers anyway. We had an argument when he came back with one real beer and a pack of alcohol free. I’m finding it hard, but I need to understand that he doesn’t understand how hard it can be when someone is completely able to do something you can’t.  He’s just not wired that way.

After reading some blogs of long term sober people, I’ve kind of reassessed what the sober thing is all about, and how I can actively create a better sobriety than before. I mean, I did it before, but I just didn’t manage to stay stopped. I felt that I was somehow hanging on by my fingernails too much of the time, which I don’t want to do again. I want to make my life just, well, fit me better, if that makes sense? Be more of an expression of my best self, and be able to self soothe with something other than booze, when life gets tough.

I’m looking forward to what each new day will bring, and really looking forward to building up some good sober time. ☺