trouble (not me) on day 9 (me)

It’s 11pm on day 9. I’m sober! I’ve eaten SO MUCH today! Mainly sugary things. sigh. Oh well, it has helped me get past the wine cravings. I’m half watching a film, husband has gone out. He was going into town to meet up with a friend’s stag party…they had been to the races this afternoon but unfortunately the stag got arrested!! No doubt I’ll find out the full story when Mr W comes home, but I gather it has something to do with not paying the bar bill. So alcohol consumption was involved somewhere along the line. The person texting my husband earlier was obviously under orders not to let anyone facebook this turn of events, but a ‘subtle’ comment had already made its way on there. I don’t know the stag but I’m really glad Mr W wasn’t with them. It sounds like a bit of a nightmare. He’s just gone into the village with another friend instead.

So yes, I was thinking about wine earlier, but I’m so glad I didn’t cave in. I have been irritable the last few days, but when I do feel that way I have been trying to calm down and let it go. I feel so much better than I did last weekend. Not much about my situation has changed, but I think I’m a bit more able to deal with it.

I’m also trying to deal with things one day at a time. We go on holiday to Turkey on 1st August for 10 days, and I’m a bit apprehensive about the temptations to drink. But I’m not thinking about it too much (too involved with work at the moment to think about much else during the week anyway), and hoping that by that point I’ll have got the hang of being sober and the cravings will have decreased a lot.

Oh, there’s a night out for work next Friday which might cause me some anxiety. I can drive there though, which will be good. And its basically a meal in a French restaurant, so I could quite acceptably leave after the meal – I wouldn’t need to go to a pub with them afterwards. One day, I will get the hang of social occasions and learn to enjoy them. I don’t think drinking would reduce the anxiety in some cases anyway, so I might as well be sober and not have the next morning ruined as well as feel anxious. And its more or less a dead cert that I wont get arrested!

Sweet dreams x

rambling

Day 5 sober. The dark clouds are clearing a bit. I feel emotional in general, rather than just depressed. I got out of the car at work this morning and a colleague asked if I was OK. I couldn’t speak and she hugged me whilst I cried a little bit. But I got it together again.

Later, I was distracted by my little campaign to be put on the correct pay grade for my job role. Or should I say, get my job title amended to reflect the nature of the work I do. Perhaps my husband was right, I need to think about other things. Darn it, I hate it when he’s more sensible than I am!

But back to yesterday…I got all worked up in the morning because of the unanswered questions I have about what needs to happen before IVF treatment. I had emailed the fertility clinic with the details for the consultant at hospital, but heard nothing back (it had only been two days). I had a pain by my hip, exactly where the whole thing started off, last November, with the diagnosis of ovarian cysts (endometriomas). I have waves of anxiety when I get these pains, as I think the cysts are developing once again. The panic became too much, and luckily N and I were the only two people in the prep room, so I got my phone out and made an appointment to see the GP. I picked one of the lovely ones, a woman, so inevitably I have to wait a couple of weeks. But I decided I would rather see someone who I know will respond to me, not bat away my concerns. I’m hoping I might be able to get a referral to hospital, as I would like the fibroid removed. After making the appointment, I had one of my moments where everything comes tumbling out and N, patient and considerate person that she is, listens until I’ve finished. I felt so much better.

This morning (after making my mascara run before even setting foot in the building!) I looked at my phone and there was an email with an attachment from the fertility clinic. The attachment was the letter they have faxed to the consultant regarding what to do about that fibroid. I purposely didn’t read it until later when I’d got home. When I read it, the straightforward, businesslike tone instantly calmed me. Just one doctor to another, asking for a professional opinion. No nonsense. I still feel a lot calmer, but I do just wonder, even if the feeling is to leave it be, should I ask for it to be removed anyway? It may help alleviate the anaemia and the pain every month. Quality of life. A phrase that someone told me you should always use in the GPs office – apparently it’s one of those trigger phrases that necessitate action.

Another thing that has (oddly) kept me feeling a bit lighter…I have black hands where I accidentally stained them with silver nitrate (oops). Every time I look at my hands they’re all…well, black. I wonder how long it will last…Did I mention I want my job title re-evaluated to ‘senior’ technician?! Note to self, always wear gloves around silver nitrate – even when not opening the bottles – they may be leaking!

I promise I will think of a name for a new blog, I am on day 5 sober but rambling about other things… 🙂

 

clinging on

Thanks for the comments yesterday, I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes sobriety seems a flimsy branch to cling to when I’m being swept away and its hard to stick at it. But you’ll be pleased to know I made it to day 3. 

I’m aware that’s a Good Thing, and I am in some way proud of myself. But I can’t see just at the moment, that being sober is going to help that much. That’s the funny thing about sobriety, it doesn’t fix everything else. I have to do that. And currently, it’s the cycles of falling into despair and depression, and having to pick myself up again, that are just so exhausting. I don’t feel as though I ever get anywhere with fixing my life, other than right back to where I started.

Had a big talk with my husband last night. It was a real effort to get him to say anything other than the usual ‘there’s nothing we can do but wait’, and ‘you’re your own worst enemy, you should look at all the things you’ve got going for you’. It makes me angry just typing that! He thinks that because there’s nothing we can do, we should just forget it and wait. I pointed out that I’m still no clearer about the fibroid. The secretary won’t let me have an appointment with my consultant (!!!) So I’ve had to send the office fax number to my doctor at the private fertility clinic so that she can ask him. This small aspect of the whole problem is, in itself, playing on my mind hugely. I think Mr did finally begin to see that I need a bit more love and support. I hope he remembers.

Another thing is that every twinge of pain (I get them a lot now) reminds me that the endometriosis could be messing up my insides again. I had a day off sick a couple of weeks ago because the pain was so bad. It wasn’t even that time of the month. 

So, I’m sober, and husband and I are now talking, but life still feels empty. 

Baby Raspberry? Dry July?

I’m back on day two again. Although it feels a bit shaky.

I drank a lot last week, I used the fact that we had my Aunty staying as an excuse. Then it was Carnival Day a week ago. And then it was my birthday on Wednesday. Which was a pretty rubbish day to be honest. And then, because Thursday was 30th June I just thought, well, I might as well drink tonight and then start Dry July.

But it’s not going great. I feel pretty low. And husband and I argued this morning. You know, sometimes I don’t know how long we will last… I feel like he made me wait so long for everything, just so he could be sure that it was all going to work out. And now I’m still waiting. Waiting for more surgery, waiting for September to have the Day 3 blood tests taken, just so they can check again my AMH level etc. Waiting to find out whether the fibroid should be removed. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I know I shouldn’t allow my life to pass me by whilst I’m waiting. And I am trying to do the things I need to do to keep things moving. But because husband and I have argued, there will be no work on the loft bedroom today. And no work on the patio in the back garden. He is just lying on the sofa watching television. To spite me. He’s showing me what it looks like when he does nothing. (I accused him of not helping round the house).

What should my life look like? And what should it look like whilst I am waiting? I always, always, always feel like I am lacking. I come up short, I fail. There is something missing from me, that is preventing me from having the life I want. Although I’m not even sure what that actually is….Yes I want to have a little family unit. But I’m not even allowed a dog for fuck’s sake, because I work full time. What I want my life to be like is so far from how it is. I think one day I might just give up.