I’m back on day two again. Although it feels a bit shaky.
I drank a lot last week, I used the fact that we had my Aunty staying as an excuse. Then it was Carnival Day a week ago. And then it was my birthday on Wednesday. Which was a pretty rubbish day to be honest. And then, because Thursday was 30th June I just thought, well, I might as well drink tonight and then start Dry July.
But it’s not going great. I feel pretty low. And husband and I argued this morning. You know, sometimes I don’t know how long we will last… I feel like he made me wait so long for everything, just so he could be sure that it was all going to work out. And now I’m still waiting. Waiting for more surgery, waiting for September to have the Day 3 blood tests taken, just so they can check again my AMH level etc. Waiting to find out whether the fibroid should be removed. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
I know I shouldn’t allow my life to pass me by whilst I’m waiting. And I am trying to do the things I need to do to keep things moving. But because husband and I have argued, there will be no work on the loft bedroom today. And no work on the patio in the back garden. He is just lying on the sofa watching television. To spite me. He’s showing me what it looks like when he does nothing. (I accused him of not helping round the house).
What should my life look like? And what should it look like whilst I am waiting? I always, always, always feel like I am lacking. I come up short, I fail. There is something missing from me, that is preventing me from having the life I want. Although I’m not even sure what that actually is….Yes I want to have a little family unit. But I’m not even allowed a dog for fuck’s sake, because I work full time. What I want my life to be like is so far from how it is. I think one day I might just give up.