Baby Raspberry? Dry July?

I’m back on day two again. Although it feels a bit shaky.

I drank a lot last week, I used the fact that we had my Aunty staying as an excuse. Then it was Carnival Day a week ago. And then it was my birthday on Wednesday. Which was a pretty rubbish day to be honest. And then, because Thursday was 30th June I just thought, well, I might as well drink tonight and then start Dry July.

But it’s not going great. I feel pretty low. And husband and I argued this morning. You know, sometimes I don’t know how long we will last… I feel like he made me wait so long for everything, just so he could be sure that it was all going to work out. And now I’m still waiting. Waiting for more surgery, waiting for September to have the Day 3 blood tests taken, just so they can check again my AMH level etc. Waiting to find out whether the fibroid should be removed. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I know I shouldn’t allow my life to pass me by whilst I’m waiting. And I am trying to do the things I need to do to keep things moving. But because husband and I have argued, there will be no work on the loft bedroom today. And no work on the patio in the back garden. He is just lying on the sofa watching television. To spite me. He’s showing me what it looks like when he does nothing. (I accused him of not helping round the house).

What should my life look like? And what should it look like whilst I am waiting? I always, always, always feel like I am lacking. I come up short, I fail. There is something missing from me, that is preventing me from having the life I want. Although I’m not even sure what that actually is….Yes I want to have a little family unit. But I’m not even allowed a dog for fuck’s sake, because I work full time. What I want my life to be like is so far from how it is. I think one day I might just give up.

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Baby Raspberry? Dry July?”

  1. Your post is being heard and warm thoughts aimed in your direction. My hubby would respond exactly the same, sort of made me chuckle in one sense. I have learned that transferring my issues to others doesn’t really help….but I still try from time to time. I hope you can just tell him you love him but are feeling really sad and need a hug. You need support today. Infertility is cosmically stressful on all. Big hug for the day!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t ever give up. There will come a time when not everything feels so bad. Sure, life will never be “perfect” because it isn’t for anybody (no matter what social media tells us!) but you have so many things going on at the moment that you’re bound to feel low and when one or two of them improve, you will feel no end better. Just keep going…one foot in front of the other 🙂

    As for what your life “should” look like, don’t ask those sorts of questions or put that sort of pressure on yourself!!! I say that being hypocritical because I constantly think I should be X or Y or have A or B in order to be successful as a human being. Maybe just pick one thing to focus on improving (the obvious being sobriety, which you have proved you CAN do) and do your best to forget about the other things that are bothering you (obviously some, like fertility, can’t be forgotten).

    As for getting a dog, it’s maybe a silly suggestion and may not be possible in your personal circumstances, but could you get a dog walker to pop in at lunch time and take him/her for a walk?

    I hope things improve soon x x x

    Liked by 1 person

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