Day 5 sober. The dark clouds are clearing a bit. I feel emotional in general, rather than just depressed. I got out of the car at work this morning and a colleague asked if I was OK. I couldn’t speak and she hugged me whilst I cried a little bit. But I got it together again.

Later, I was distracted by my little campaign to be put on the correct pay grade for my job role. Or should I say, get my job title amended to reflect the nature of the work I do. Perhaps my husband was right, I need to think about other things. Darn it, I hate it when he’s more sensible than I am!

But back to yesterday…I got all worked up in the morning because of the unanswered questions I have about what needs to happen before IVF treatment. I had emailed the fertility clinic with the details for the consultant at hospital, but heard nothing back (it had only been two days). I had a pain by my hip, exactly where the whole thing started off, last November, with the diagnosis of ovarian cysts (endometriomas). I have waves of anxiety when I get these pains, as I think the cysts are developing once again. The panic became too much, and luckily N and I were the only two people in the prep room, so I got my phone out and made an appointment to see the GP. I picked one of the lovely ones, a woman, so inevitably I have to wait a couple of weeks. But I decided I would rather see someone who I know will respond to me, not bat away my concerns. I’m hoping I might be able to get a referral to hospital, as I would like the fibroid removed. After making the appointment, I had one of my moments where everything comes tumbling out and N, patient and considerate person that she is, listens until I’ve finished. I felt so much better.

This morning (after making my mascara run before even setting foot in the building!) I looked at my phone and there was an email with an attachment from the fertility clinic. The attachment was the letter they have faxed to the consultant regarding what to do about that fibroid. I purposely didn’t read it until later when I’d got home. When I read it, the straightforward, businesslike tone instantly calmed me. Just one doctor to another, asking for a professional opinion. No nonsense. I still feel a lot calmer, but I do just wonder, even if the feeling is to leave it be, should I ask for it to be removed anyway? It may help alleviate the anaemia and the pain every month. Quality of life. A phrase that someone told me you should always use in the GPs office – apparently it’s one of those trigger phrases that necessitate action.

Another thing that has (oddly) kept me feeling a bit lighter…I have black hands where I accidentally stained them with silver nitrate (oops). Every time I look at my hands they’re all…well, black. I wonder how long it will last…Did I mention I want my job title re-evaluated to ‘senior’ technician?! Note to self, always wear gloves around silver nitrate – even when not opening the bottles – they may be leaking!

I promise I will think of a name for a new blog, I am on day 5 sober but rambling about other things… 🙂



3 thoughts on “rambling”

  1. I am also on a little campaign to get into the right pay grade for what I do. I started with the title and got that changed, but they keep dragging their feet about the promotion (and $). If I’m not getting promoted, then someone else should take some of these responsibilities! I had to laugh a little bit when I read we have that in common too. I’ve been very emotional about it (and everything else) as well and realized it’s because in my mind and heart, it’s tied to the funds I need to have children. I can’t do it the free way and so it extra hurts me to be underpaid for how hard I work. Sending you love and support, my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Me too, all of it! If them upstairs don’t agree to paying me more, I will be saying no to some of the things I’ve done for so long under the mistaken belief that I was ‘senior’! And yes, we can’t get treatment for free either so I hear what you’re saying about money taking on a new significance. Love to you too, snowdroplets xx


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