I had a tough day today. The pressure of waiting for surgery is getting to me. I got myself together again and then I had a phone call this morning from my husband to say that one of our friends has taken an overdose. We haven’t heard anything since and don’t know how she is.
I know this is an anonymous blog but I still don’t want to say too much. I am so upset. I love the couple so much, I know it’s not good to have favourites, but they are my favourites, out of all the fire crew at my husband’s station. It’s the guy that’s the firefighter, and unfortunately we don’t see much of his partner, and now all sorts of things are going round in my head, telling me I should have paid more attention, stuck my nose in a bit more, let them – her especially – know I care. Well, I do care, and I’m saying a prayer for her now.
I’ve been thinking about how awful it is to be in so much pain. I know a bit about depression and it’s thought patterns, how hopeless life can feel, how worthless a person can feel. It’s bad enough feeling that way yourself, but to think that someone else has been going through that, is heartbreaking. I wish I could take her pain away.
I understand that life does involve pain, but again I’m struck by the feeling I had when I’d finished reading the book, Never Let Me Go, which was that I feel I’ve wasted some time, but more importantly, I shouldn’t waste any more. Life is so precious, so fragile, and so finite, that every second counts.
I don’t really know how all this fits together, or what to do with it. I desperately want our friend to be alright. And I don’t want anyone to be in pain. Somehow, I am angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, it’s not fair. Why do people I care about (and I) have to go through all of this stuff. I’m sick of the pretense kept up by a lot of the rest of the world that everything in their lives is perfect. Life isn’t perfect, it’s full of ups and downs, and sometimes people need help through the downs. But they’re afraid to ask because they feel others might judge them for being a failure….
I’m sorry, I’m not very coherent, I know. I want to help someone but I’m not sure how. I want there to be less pain. I don’t know what else to say.