I’ve missed this

Hi. I’m here again. I miss being sober. I’ve missed you.

As you have probably guessed, I haven’t been sober this summer. There are a lot of ‘reasons’ why that happened, but I suppose its basically because I chose to drink. It was that whole ‘well I’m probably going to drink on holiday so I might as well drink now’ thing.

When I came back from holiday, I went to a wedding, then stopped drinking again for a few days. It was so hard to come back to real life, with nothing having changed, still waiting, waiting, waiting, for a date for surgery. I was very depressed, and unprepared for it. The counsellor was on holiday too, and I didn’t even consider the possibility of getting any (prescribed) medication because of course, I want to start fertility treatments at some point, so what would be the point of starting any antidepressants only to stop them again in a couple of months.

I know, I thought, I’ll have some more wine. Genius. The thing is, there is something about drinking. I suppose it’s why normies do drink when they do. Its celebratory. And it can console, too. I needed consoling, badly. But alcohol, as we know, leaves so much destruction in its wake…

Was I pushing myself to the edge of the cliff? Carrying on until it got so bad I’d have to try being sober again? I’m not really sure. All I know is, I’ve tried using the booze (again) to help me deal with the pain I feel, and all I have to report is that it doesn’t work. I believe I did actually know this already, but somehow felt the need to demonstrate it all over again….

Sometimes it feels like there is no point to life, specifically my life, but thankfully the balance of those feelings compared to slightly less desperate feelings is shifting, in a healthy direction. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I feel I’ve ‘woken up’ and I’m concentrating quite hard on getting my bearings, rather than just walking through my life in a kind of catatonic state waiting for it to be over. Progress.

I’m on day 2 and feeling quite pleased with myself. Also progress 🙂

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8 thoughts on “I’ve missed this”

  1. Yes, welcome back. … And to say, too, you’re definitely not alone in the ‘Let me drink to ease my pain’ category. The repetition of going back to drink to try to heal whatever is hurting … Man, I wish someone had stepped in for me and just said, ‘Stop.’ But I think it’s only natural, only human, to want to try and stop the hurt any way you can. And there is a soothing comfort from drink in the moment is very nice, but its hidden harms are what hurt us. I know for myself, I always thought, ‘Maybe it (no moderation, slurred speech, hangover, night sweats, bad sleep, lethargy) won’t happen This time when I drink.’ But no. Every time. The ads always make it look so enticing. I had almost convinced myself that I just needed practice to drink like other people so that my life would look like the ads. Again, no. …. Glad to see you. Sad to know you are hurting. -HM.

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    1. Yes its weird looking at how other people (normies) drink, and wondering ‘why cant I manage to do it like that?’. But even if I could, I think those hidden harms would still affect me – the emotional ones. Alcohol may feel warm and fuzzy initially but after that briefest of moments its all down hill, even between drinks.

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  2. Missed you! Glad you’re back 😊 It might be possible to pursue fertility treatments even while on antidepressants. I had been off mine about a year, but had to go back on when the reality of my infertility became clear. It was worth it for me and helped get me out of a dark and dangerous place. I thought my doctors had said it wasn’t ideal, but that I would have been able to continue the medication if we went forward with fertility treatments and pregnancy. I’m no doctor and am not sure I got that right, but it might be worth asking. Anyway, so glad to see you again!

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  3. I’m so glad to be back 🙂 I might ask my doctor about that if I feel as low as I did again. I think my GP mentioned before that it’s about weighing up the risk to the patient as well as a possible pregnancy – much as you said, really. But before, it was my husband who insisted I stopped the antidepressants when he had his vasectomy reversal (which we later found out didn’t work) otherwise he wouldn’t let us try for a baby. I haven’t approached the subject but I do think he might feel differently now, having seen me struggle so much.

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