Hi. I’m here again. I miss being sober. I’ve missed you.
As you have probably guessed, I haven’t been sober this summer. There are a lot of ‘reasons’ why that happened, but I suppose its basically because I chose to drink. It was that whole ‘well I’m probably going to drink on holiday so I might as well drink now’ thing.
When I came back from holiday, I went to a wedding, then stopped drinking again for a few days. It was so hard to come back to real life, with nothing having changed, still waiting, waiting, waiting, for a date for surgery. I was very depressed, and unprepared for it. The counsellor was on holiday too, and I didn’t even consider the possibility of getting any (prescribed) medication because of course, I want to start fertility treatments at some point, so what would be the point of starting any antidepressants only to stop them again in a couple of months.
I know, I thought, I’ll have some more wine. Genius. The thing is, there is something about drinking. I suppose it’s why normies do drink when they do. Its celebratory. And it can console, too. I needed consoling, badly. But alcohol, as we know, leaves so much destruction in its wake…
Was I pushing myself to the edge of the cliff? Carrying on until it got so bad I’d have to try being sober again? I’m not really sure. All I know is, I’ve tried using the booze (again) to help me deal with the pain I feel, and all I have to report is that it doesn’t work. I believe I did actually know this already, but somehow felt the need to demonstrate it all over again….
Sometimes it feels like there is no point to life, specifically my life, but thankfully the balance of those feelings compared to slightly less desperate feelings is shifting, in a healthy direction. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I feel I’ve ‘woken up’ and I’m concentrating quite hard on getting my bearings, rather than just walking through my life in a kind of catatonic state waiting for it to be over. Progress.
I’m on day 2 and feeling quite pleased with myself. Also progress 🙂