I’ve had a cold this week and I felt terrible weds to sat, it really drained me. My mood was affected and I felt a lack of support from my husband. You know, just with domestic stuff. I feel as usual, like he never helps me with anything. On Friday I got sick of the feeling of banging my head against the wall. I go through cycles of being pissed off with him, then ultimately deciding that I like the house to be a certain level of cleanliness and I tell myself I do it for me, kind of like a part of my self care. Which is fine until time or energy levels change and I start feeling resentful again. Hang on a minute, I hear you cry, aren’t you the one that wants a baby? Have you no idea the work that involves, and here you are complaining when it’s only the two of you? Yes I know.
On Friday like I said, I started thinking that I need to know how to get myself out of this cycle. And other patterns of negativity too. I’m fed up of being so negative, so fearful.
Saturday morning I lay in bed trying to gather myself together for the weekly shop, still feeling rubbish with the cold. A thought came into my head; ‘I want to be close to God’. Now, I have been asking recently, to be shown the way. To be shown how to live my life, because frankly, I don’t think I’m doing the best job. Not that I feel I’m ‘failing’, just that there has to be more to life that this. I’ve felt a bit spiritually empty. But I hadn’t actually thought of the g – word. I was brought up a christian, but somewhere along the way I began to relate more to the idea of ‘the universe’ as God felt too much like a person. But here I was, lying in bed and it just popped into my mind.
I looked at some stuff from Holly Whitaker at hip sobriety, and started to think that it might be an idea to put into practice some of her tips. After all, if you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always been getting, right? Time to do some things differently.
When I woke up this morning, I realised that I will never be able to change my husbands behaviour. I can only change my attitude and my behaviour. And I want a more harmonious home, I want us to be concerned with bigger things than my petty ‘who does what’ thinking. I want more love in our lives, more happiness. So I decided to start very small. I wrote a little list of intentions for the day. I played meditation music whilst making myself a healthy breakfast. I did some jobs around the house. And a book dropped through the letterbox. On a Sunday?! I opened the parcel, and it was ‘a return to love’ by Marianne Williamson that I ordered only a couple of days ago. I don’t do amazon prime or anything, so I thought it would be a week of so before I got it, but here it is! So I started reading this morning and I love it so far. I also looked at a couple of articles on Mastin Kipp’s site, which I found the link to on hip sobriety. It was about rituals, specifically night time rituals. Tonight I got everything sorted ready for tomorrow, so hopefully I can give myself a bit of time to think about my intention for the day. I’ve stuck a few quotes on my mirror and I’m going to read a little more of the book now, even though it’s late.
Even if I forget to say affirmations that I’ve found, or don’t meditate every day, I don’t think I’ll forget what I thought about yesterday morning: ‘I want to be close to God’. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I really feel it.