Lots of emotion

It’s now (almost) Tuesday, nearly three weeks since my operation. I’m going back to work on Thursday, and I’ll be glad to get back into a normal routine.

I’ve had plenty of ups and downs recently. I spent a good few days feeling extremely anxious about any possible social engagements over the Christmas period. The ever-present social anxiety coupled with the decision to drink or not drink at events; all of which feels even more unsettling when I think about it through the filter of our infertility struggle, which is the biggest thing going on in my life right now.

Last week my friend came to visit me – the one with the two year old. She didn’t bring her along though – I just wanted to have some time for the two of us together. I had been pulling away because I was finding it very hard to relate. I was focusing on our differences rather than our similarities, and last weekend I decided I needed to try and put that aside, and spend some quality time. She is my oldest friend, after all! So we had a lovely afternoon. I did feel uneasy and lost when she had been talking about playgroups and potty training and waiting lists for schools for a while – a kind of sinking, ‘oh my god this might never be my reality‘ sort of sadness. But it was OK, we moved on to talking about other things. I’m really happy it went so well 🙂

On Thursday I went to collect my sicknote from the GP, and as I was pulling out onto the main road, I passed my Dad, who was walking to the chemist. I won’t go into all the details but it’s impossible to stop there, and he had more or less reached the chemist, so I went on my way. But he wasn’t wearing a coat! I flicked the indicator stalk button thingy and it told me the temperature outside was 7 degrees. Now, Dad had lost his coat and hat somewhere a week or two ago, but he went shopping with my sister, mum, aunt and cousin to buy a new coat. He is suffering from short term memory loss and it makes me so sad. I find myself wanting to protect him. I popped in to my parents house on my way home from the GP. Mum was busy in the garden and I said to Dad, ‘where’s your new coat, Dad? It’s 7 degrees out there and I saw you walking to the village with no coat on!’. He kind of said ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I should put it on, I don’t want to upset you’, and he gave me a hug. I just dissolved into tears…Lots of emotion.

He sat me down at the kitchen table and made me a cup of tea. Mum came in from sorting the chickens and we talked about stuff. Dad showed me the new coat, plus an anorak with a fleecy liner (that mum doesn’t like). He felt the new one should be for best only, as it cost a lot of money. But I explained it was to replace the lost coat, which was for everyday. I made sure he didn’t just think it wouldn’t go with his casual clothes. So hopefully that’s all sorted, he’ll definitely be wearing a coat from now on!!

I also told Mum about Mr W having come home from the pub a couple of weeks previously, and having a huge argument with me. A few days after the operation, and he started the argument by blaming me for the state of the kitchen! Which was in a mess, but I’d already decided I would clean it up the next day. Well, he was even talking – not in so many words – about divorce. I didn’t know what to do. I really thought that might have been it. The argument changed to the subject of IVF. Apparently I had been ‘ramming it down his throat’ for far too long and he’d had enough. A little while after that, he burst into tears and said he just wished we could do it naturally. He’s worried and afraid what will happen if it doesn’t work. I really needed to get all that off my chest, but I’m so glad I waited until everything had well and truly blown over before I said anything to Mum.

So yes, a bit of a rough ride so far. But I think I’m settling down again, emotionally. I’ve got a lot to write about in future posts, as various thoughts have been floating through my mind. I somehow have an urge to understand much more about endometriosis – about what causes it and how to minimise it’s effects, if that is possible. I feel like it is a part of me, it’s just something that my body is doing, and rather than somehow blank it out of my thoughts I need to know it better.

I’m also trying to let go of the idea that I know what my future should look like, and let go of trying to control the outcome at every stage. I do know what I would like to happen, and sometimes that does get the better of me and I worry about how I will cope if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. But I know I need to be open to all possibilities, otherwise I risk not seeing the good things in my life – the things that might not match my hopes and dreams but are blessings nonetheless.

 

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11 thoughts on “Lots of emotion”

  1. Sending you so much love. Fertility challenges can be really rough on a relationship. Be gentle with yourself, lots of self care. Counselling with your husband might also be a good idea. Stay open and honest xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂 I so appreciate your kindness.
      I’m not sure how my husband would cope with counselling… There are two free sessions available at the IVF clinic which I fully intent on taking advantage of. I also asked him last night if he would like to see someone (or the two of us go together) over and above the free sessions. He is thinking about it, so we’ll see 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Aww, that sounds so hard. I think it’s really difficult for both parties in a relationship when you have fertility problems. Not just the female (although she bears the brunt of the physical stuff). There’s a lot of support for the woman but not so much for the man, I think. I hope now you’ve talked about it that you are able to be open with each other about your feelings. Sending you hugs. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂
      It’s a tricky one, but I think we’re getting there. In one sense I feel I’ve achieved a more positive frame of mind, which helps. Also, I’m hoping we’re approaching the ‘start’ of our fertility treatment now that I’ve had surgery and we know where we’re up to in terms of Mr W’s treatment needs. I think once things start moving we will feel slightly more ‘in control’ (if that phrase can ever be applied!!) eg making decisions according to the opportunities available. As opposed to all this bloody waiting we’ve had to do so far!!
      I’m so glad your mother in law is back home – I’m wishing her a speedy recovery. And what a lovely baby shower (apart from the distress of your mother in law being taken ill, obviously), you must be thrilled to bits 🙂 xx

      Like

    1. Thanks Feeling,
      I appreciate the hugs 🙂
      D’you know what, I think I’m getting there though. Working through it all and getting to a better place, mentally and emotionally.
      One of the things I’ve learned over the last few weeks is, that reaching out is better than pulling away. Even if you think you don’t feel like asking for support because you don’t want to burden people, it really is the best thing to do.
      Hope you’re doing OK and that the meditation pillow is getting lots of use. (is there a pattern online that you followed?)
      Lots of love
      Waking xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, Waking, reaching out. I still find that a difficult one. Which I guess is the best intro to; no, I did not use a pattern, I made one. 🙂 But then again, that would be part of my schooling so… I’m guessing there might be some tutorial on YouTube?
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending get well wishes.
    I particularly loved that you and your dad hugged, cried, had a cup of tea. My relationship with my Dad was hard (its getting much better) but it hit me in the heart when I read that. I hope he wears his new coat!!

    xx

    Like

    1. 😀 I hope he wears it too! I really had to iron out any potential reasons why he wasn’t wearing it – I think he’s got the message now 😉
      Keep forging ahead with your relationship with your Dad – as I said in my reply to Feeling, I’ve really noticed recently that reaching out to people who care about you is the best thing you can do. For you and them, I think. I had been avoiding visiting my parents prior to my surgery as I didn’t want to show my emotions (why? I have no idea!). But I can tell that they (and the rest of my family) want to help me through all this, and it has really helped me to feel better, knowing that I’m loved and supported. I feel valued now, which has diminished my own feelings of worthlessness. xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. YES – it’s been a revelation. Being honest with my family about my struggles and knowing how much they care and want me to be OK has been worthwhile. It took a long time to properly open up about how much I was struggling…
        x

        Liked by 2 people

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