Cheap date

Thank you for all the comments on my last post. As always, it’s so good to know I’m not alone. I went to the meal in the end, and enjoyed it despite my food being a good 10 mins later than the others’. Long story, but in the end I asked for the cost of my main course to be knocked off the bill, as I had to wait until everyone else had finished before getting mine. I had already paid £5 deposit beforehand, and my soda water was free, so the entire evening only cost me about two quid!! How cheap am I?!

Just remembering that has lifted my mood a bit 🙂 I had a fairly rubbish day at work, and decided that I, too, am now pissed off and just waiting for the Christmas break (we break up on Tuesday so not long). I was doing fine, quite cheery up until that point. Anyway, I got home, made tea, then had a bit of an argument with my husband over nothing in particular. The day just isn’t going great, and I really felt like having a glass of wine. So after eating my chili (which husband changed all the flavours of at the last minute – Grrrr) I went and got in the bath. I put Epsom salts in and lit candles. And I started reading Belle’s book again. I got to page 44 then got out of the bath, made myself lemon and ginger tea. I’ve calmed down a bit now. I’m in bed with the cat next to me, purring.

I’m pretty sure I’m on day 20 and I think it’s best that I don’t try to have ‘just the one’ because it’s nearly Christmas. I don’t want to drink from now on because we have our first cycle of IVF coming up (hopefully) in January, and I don’t want to feel like I didn’t do everything right.

So now, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, maybe a better day 🙂

 

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Anxiety

Well, the ‘fluttering heart’ I mentioned in my last post wasn’t so bad the few days before our appointment at the clinic on Friday. Perhaps I was over the worst of the anxiety – maybe it was still there but I just didn’t notice it as much.

The outcome of the appointment was fairly positive – we have decided to try at least one cycle of IVF with my eggs. I plan to post in more detail about that on the other blog. The odd thing is, although I’m feeling pretty good about that, the anxiety has returned.

I think it might be due to a Christmas meal I have to go to tonight. It’s a work thing, a leaving do, too, in a pub. I’m 15 days sober today, and while I really don’t want to drink, I could do without putting myself into drinking situations deliberately. I actually just want to hibernate. I can’t think of anything to enjoy about going to socialise with people. That sounds so terrible, I know. But the truth is, infertility has knocked my self confidence (not that I had much in the first place), so I can’t see myself functioning in a setting that is purely social. I have forgotten how to ‘present’ myself , if that makes sense? I don’t know who I am anymore, I got lost somewhere. I feel…blank, in a way.

My work colleagues know about the fluttering heart, I told them earlier in the week. So I could feasibly text someone and say it’s causing me chest pains again, so I can’t go tonight. But I can’t keep letting my world get smaller and smaller, can I? I must push myself out of my comfort zone? My chest hurts just thinking about it.

It’s times like this when I need a sober friend, face to face. And I think this is part of what ultimately led me down the path of relapse last time – feeling isolated in a world full of normal drinkers, and lonely because of our struggles with infertility. (There it goes again, my chest thump thumping away. the other day when the irregular beating had died down, I thought, ‘is my heart actually still going??!’). I did drive past the venue for a local AA meeting many times during that year, eyeing it up and always chickening out. But I don’t think AA is for me.

So in the absence of a sober friend right here beside me (because, let’s face it, none of the ‘normies’ get it), I’m writing this to you. I really don’t know what to do.

New blog for infertility

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote! I’m currently on day 10, and I’m emailing Belle again.

I’ve had the usual ups and downs. I went back to the fertility clinic to have blood tests, and I get the results on Friday. I think it’s because of the anticipation of this that I’ve got a very fluttery heartbeat, which is causing chest pains. I couldn’t run properly on the treadmill at the gym yesterday because of it. Very annoying. And it’s actually causing me to feel very anxious. All I can do is try to take plenty of deep breaths.

I’m worried about what the fertility doctor will say on Friday. I’m worried that using my own eggs will be a complete no-no. I really want to try IVF but if I’m being honest, I think it’s a whole different ballgame using donor eggs. I mean, of course it is, I know you know that. What I mean specifically is, I can try to pretend I have absolutely no issue with it whatsoever, but in truth I think I’ll need a bit of time to adjust to the idea, if that’s what needs to happen.

Anyway, I have started a new blog for the infertility stuff, so I will try not to go on too much here! It’s called waitingforbabyh, so please follow if you’re following me for the IF posts 🙂 I think I may have just posted on here when I wanted to post on there… I’m just going to check that out!