Well, the ‘fluttering heart’ I mentioned in my last post wasn’t so bad the few days before our appointment at the clinic on Friday. Perhaps I was over the worst of the anxiety – maybe it was still there but I just didn’t notice it as much.

The outcome of the appointment was fairly positive – we have decided to try at least one cycle of IVF with my eggs. I plan to post in more detail about that on the other blog. The odd thing is, although I’m feeling pretty good about that, the anxiety has returned.

I think it might be due to a Christmas meal I have to go to tonight. It’s a work thing, a leaving do, too, in a pub. I’m 15 days sober today, and while I really don’t want to drink, I could do without putting myself into drinking situations deliberately. I actually just want to hibernate. I can’t think of anything to enjoy about going to socialise with people. That sounds so terrible, I know. But the truth is, infertility has knocked my self confidence (not that I had much in the first place), so I can’t see myself functioning in a setting that is purely social. I have forgotten how to ‘present’ myself , if that makes sense? I don’t know who I am anymore, I got lost somewhere. I feel…blank, in a way.

My work colleagues know about the fluttering heart, I told them earlier in the week. So I could feasibly text someone and say it’s causing me chest pains again, so I can’t go tonight. But I can’t keep letting my world get smaller and smaller, can I? I must push myself out of my comfort zone? My chest hurts just thinking about it.

It’s times like this when I need a sober friend, face to face. And I think this is part of what ultimately led me down the path of relapse last time – feeling isolated in a world full of normal drinkers, and lonely because of our struggles with infertility. (There it goes again, my chest thump thumping away. the other day when the irregular beating had died down, I thought, ‘is my heart actually still going??!’). I did drive past the venue for a local AA meeting many times during that year, eyeing it up and always chickening out. But I don’t think AA is for me.

So in the absence of a sober friend right here beside me (because, let’s face it, none of the ‘normies’ get it), I’m writing this to you. I really don’t know what to do.


13 thoughts on “Anxiety”

  1. Heya honey, it is TOTALLY normal to cancel and take care of you. And no; it is not strange to not want to socialise. Why do you think people drink so much at these things? Because they can’t stand socialising and need a ‘lubricant’.
    But you might want to make it simple for you and ask yourself ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha! ‘they can’t stand socialising and need a lubricant’! Yes you are probably right. The thing is, I feel I had a role in determining where we should meet tonight. I asked for it not to be in the city (I’m not keen, and the last train home is awful when you’re sober) and I wanted us to eat as well (otherwise I’d just be standing around drinking fizzy water, No Thanks). So I do feel slightly obliged to go.
      As far as what would a woman who loves herself do…I get confused with whether to give up trying to be sociable, or to keep pushing myself.
      Thanks so much for the comment, feeling, it helps to know you’re there 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You take care of you, in any case it is very much OK to go home at the time you like to leave. I mean, the rest will be focussing mainly on their drink, not? (Or is that projecting??? :-D) Enjoy!
        I think you have enough on your plate to make sure that you do whatever is in your power to take care of you. When in doubt: whatever keeps you sober now and in the future is the best decission.
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

      2. In the end I stayed for the meal and then went home, as did several others, and I’d say nearly half of the people there weren’t drinking. I expected it to be very lively, moving on to other pubs afterwards but actually it was quite relaxed – lots of talking and I was sat with my coworkers. Phew! I’m glad I went, but glad I had the opportunity to leave when I did.
        Thanks for the advice :-);xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. 🙂 Cool, glad it worked out ok. I used to, well, still find it difficult to wind down after busy events in restaurants/pubs. It is not about the drinking, it is the socialising and the spirit keeps me awake for at least 2 hours after. But normally I would drink that away. Ieeehks. All the damage I did because I could not find other ways of coping. 😦 Sigh. 😦
        Sleep well or, if morning; have a good morning! 🙂
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey there,

    I would suggest that you look after yourself first above all. Maybe you go, but only for the beginning. Maybe you go but you let someone know that you will be running late, and carry on without you at the beginning… Maybe cutting the evening shorter will help? At the very beginning I cancelled things all the time. ALL THE TIME. I just found it too hard.

    I have 2 years sober and I still find these things hard sometimes but I don’t always do them, don’t always push myself to attend if i’m not feeling it. Very often though I am overthinking the situation and it’s often better than my doom laden predictions. Oftentimes its really nice.

    Either way, I do get it. Sending a supportive hug.
    Anxiety is horrible, it’s something I’m working on living around, and a big part of why I used to drink.

    xx Claire

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Claire! Yes anxiety is also a big part of the reason I drank, too. I did over think this, confusing it with a different scenario with different people, and my mind went on overdrive with negativity.
      I did enjoy tonight, I sat with my colleague who is VERY chatty, which I found helpful as she took the spotlight away from me a lot of the time. Thanks for the support☺xx


  3. Yes, great advice. You are obligated only to you! First your world may get small, but as you strengthen your world will get bugger again if you let it. If you do go show up fashionably late with a good reason to leave early. Leaving early is the smartest thing you can do. But I still think it’s wise to not put yourself innthay environment so soon. I have 7 months tomorrow. I did it by making sobriety first on the list, ahead of everything and anything. Best regards

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks ☺ I did have a year plus sober at one point, but I didn’t give it long enough to really feel the effects of my world expanding again. I would love to get to that stage. Congrats on seven months, way to go!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending you support. It’s okay to go or not go. As another commenter said, your world might get smaller before it gets bigger again. It’s ok to have times in life to pull back and focus on what we need, but you’re also right that it can be bad to isolate too much. Only you know what’s right. I’d recommend putting your health and sobriety #1 over everything else. Then as that gets easier, the other parts of life will generally get easier too. I also know how being devastated over infertility had made it impossible for me at times to function normally in social situations. I think that’s ok too, just a time of stress and grief. It will get better!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks ☺ I am glad I went. I realised that the people there are ultimately a mature and supportive group of people, and those I’m closer to definitely wouldn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. They know me, and some of what I’m going through, and luckily I was able to sit at their end of the table.
    I’m actually quite proud of myself, I feel this is a success I can build on! 😎 xx


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