Cheap date

Thank you for all the comments on my last post. As always, it’s so good to know I’m not alone. I went to the meal in the end, and enjoyed it despite my food being a good 10 mins later than the others’. Long story, but in the end I asked for the cost of my main course to be knocked off the bill, as I had to wait until everyone else had finished before getting mine. I had already paid £5 deposit beforehand, and my soda water was free, so the entire evening only cost me about two quid!! How cheap am I?!

Just remembering that has lifted my mood a bit 🙂 I had a fairly rubbish day at work, and decided that I, too, am now pissed off and just waiting for the Christmas break (we break up on Tuesday so not long). I was doing fine, quite cheery up until that point. Anyway, I got home, made tea, then had a bit of an argument with my husband over nothing in particular. The day just isn’t going great, and I really felt like having a glass of wine. So after eating my chili (which husband changed all the flavours of at the last minute – Grrrr) I went and got in the bath. I put Epsom salts in and lit candles. And I started reading Belle’s book again. I got to page 44 then got out of the bath, made myself lemon and ginger tea. I’ve calmed down a bit now. I’m in bed with the cat next to me, purring.

I’m pretty sure I’m on day 20 and I think it’s best that I don’t try to have ‘just the one’ because it’s nearly Christmas. I don’t want to drink from now on because we have our first cycle of IVF coming up (hopefully) in January, and I don’t want to feel like I didn’t do everything right.

So now, I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is another day, maybe a better day 🙂



Well, the ‘fluttering heart’ I mentioned in my last post wasn’t so bad the few days before our appointment at the clinic on Friday. Perhaps I was over the worst of the anxiety – maybe it was still there but I just didn’t notice it as much.

The outcome of the appointment was fairly positive – we have decided to try at least one cycle of IVF with my eggs. I plan to post in more detail about that on the other blog. The odd thing is, although I’m feeling pretty good about that, the anxiety has returned.

I think it might be due to a Christmas meal I have to go to tonight. It’s a work thing, a leaving do, too, in a pub. I’m 15 days sober today, and while I really don’t want to drink, I could do without putting myself into drinking situations deliberately. I actually just want to hibernate. I can’t think of anything to enjoy about going to socialise with people. That sounds so terrible, I know. But the truth is, infertility has knocked my self confidence (not that I had much in the first place), so I can’t see myself functioning in a setting that is purely social. I have forgotten how to ‘present’ myself , if that makes sense? I don’t know who I am anymore, I got lost somewhere. I feel…blank, in a way.

My work colleagues know about the fluttering heart, I told them earlier in the week. So I could feasibly text someone and say it’s causing me chest pains again, so I can’t go tonight. But I can’t keep letting my world get smaller and smaller, can I? I must push myself out of my comfort zone? My chest hurts just thinking about it.

It’s times like this when I need a sober friend, face to face. And I think this is part of what ultimately led me down the path of relapse last time – feeling isolated in a world full of normal drinkers, and lonely because of our struggles with infertility. (There it goes again, my chest thump thumping away. the other day when the irregular beating had died down, I thought, ‘is my heart actually still going??!’). I did drive past the venue for a local AA meeting many times during that year, eyeing it up and always chickening out. But I don’t think AA is for me.

So in the absence of a sober friend right here beside me (because, let’s face it, none of the ‘normies’ get it), I’m writing this to you. I really don’t know what to do.

New blog for infertility

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote! I’m currently on day 10, and I’m emailing Belle again.

I’ve had the usual ups and downs. I went back to the fertility clinic to have blood tests, and I get the results on Friday. I think it’s because of the anticipation of this that I’ve got a very fluttery heartbeat, which is causing chest pains. I couldn’t run properly on the treadmill at the gym yesterday because of it. Very annoying. And it’s actually causing me to feel very anxious. All I can do is try to take plenty of deep breaths.

I’m worried about what the fertility doctor will say on Friday. I’m worried that using my own eggs will be a complete no-no. I really want to try IVF but if I’m being honest, I think it’s a whole different ballgame using donor eggs. I mean, of course it is, I know you know that. What I mean specifically is, I can try to pretend I have absolutely no issue with it whatsoever, but in truth I think I’ll need a bit of time to adjust to the idea, if that’s what needs to happen.

Anyway, I have started a new blog for the infertility stuff, so I will try not to go on too much here! It’s called waitingforbabyh, so please follow if you’re following me for the IF posts 🙂 I think I may have just posted on here when I wanted to post on there… I’m just going to check that out!


Baby Raspberry Post #4 Post Op

It’s a week and a half since I had the operation. Luckily they managed to do what needed to be done through laparoscopy, rather than laparotomy, so I am recovering very well. I did stay in hospital overnight, as the op was mid afternoon. I was grateful for the overnight stay really, apart from the fact that the nurses were VERY loud and I didn’t sleep much until they gave me some morphine syrup(?) half way through the night.

One thing I didn’t cope with very well was overhearing plenty of conversations between the nurses about pregnancies. I won’t go into detail, but one of them was expecting, and what was happening to another patient in a separate room provoked a discussion between the nurses about all things relating to the announcement of pregnancies etc. Now, I had already felt upset and alone after the consultant had spoken to me the day before. He basically said he thought I had a frozen pelvis and didn’t know if he could carry out the procedure successfully. Then, there was the pregnancy test and the cheery, relieved way that the nurse told me it was negative. And now this. I lay there on my own, listening to the nurses talk about pregnancy and babies, wondering what the surgeon had found when he operated, wondering if I will ever be able to carry a child, even, will I ever be a mother?

I was given a card to fill in about my experience of the hospital, and there was a box on the back for comments. I filled it in with something like what I’ve just said above. I’m not going to stay silent, I thought. Not that I wanted to blame anyone, it was just that I wanted my perspective to be known. I gave it back to the sister and then a short while later she came to me and closed the curtains. I thought at first that she was going to have a go at me! But no, she said ‘I’ve just read your comment card, and I can only apologise’. She was lovely to me. I was so grateful. She told me she’d had her little girl through IVF so she was fully aware of all the doubts and fears around infertility. I felt better, I felt less alone.

The overnight stay also meant that I got to see the consultant on the rounds the next morning. Firstly, the registrar who was in the operation, and a consultant who wasn’t, came over with my file. I averted my eyes from the photographs! The consultant said they had removed the fallopian tubes and some cysts from the ovaries. Also the endometrial polyp was removed from the uterus. Scar tissue was successfully removed, so that the uterus was now moving freely. So far so good. The thing is, the cysts will keep coming back on the ovaries. It seems there will be no let-up. More bad news…the ovaries are stuck to the posterior of the uterus. Hmm. So will I have to use donor eggs for IVF, I asked? (I know these are not IVF specialists I’m talking to, but at this point I want any scrap of information or opinion I can get hold of!). The consultant (who wasn’t in the operating theatre, bear in mind) was very jolly and said ‘Oh, you are young, you should definitely try using your own eggs!’. And the registrar (who was in the op) had a very serious expression and didn’t say a word. Now, we all know I’m not young in reproduction terms – I’m 37. And my ovaries…stuck, and with cysts. That didn’t sound too great to me, but nevertheless; I let myself feel good about the possibility of using my own eggs.

Those two ladies left, and a bit later Mr D, the consultant who did operate came over, No file or anything, I think he wanted to just come and see me before I went home. I was dressed and waiting to be collected at this point, so we sat side by side on the bed. He said it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be in there (!) But he warned me not to wait – to go straight to the private clinic to start IVF as soon as we can. No argument from me there. In fact I’m glad he said it, in a way, because I was able to tell my husband, who would otherwise be thinking that there’s no point going until after Christmas. He doesn’t know that reproductive hormones wait for no man (or woman). About the ovaries…could I use my own eggs? He said its really a problem of being able to physically get at the eggs, considering the position of the ovaries, and the recurrence of the cysts. I’m thinking maybe another ultrasound at the private clinic might be a good idea, just so we know what we’re dealing with.

So I’m home. All sorts of things have been going through my mind, as you can imagine. One thing I do know, and I am trying to do something about, is the fact that I need to be prepared for the possibility that none of this will work out, and perhaps I wont end up being a mother at all. It’s a bit scary. But I think that part of the way to deal with that – and something that I need to be doing anyway – is to really look at my self-esteem. It has never been that great, but now more than ever I want to actively try to improve it, to believe that I am a worthy person, that I’m loved and loving, and I need to recognise that this life of mine, well it’s the only one I’ve got. I’m all I’ve got, and I don’t want to waste anything by wishing I was different. I’m so fed up of feeling I’m on the outside of life looking in whilst everyone else has it all figured out.

If anyone has any tips as to what has worked for them in terms of improving self-esteem, please share – I would be most grateful 🙂



Making choices, choosing again

The night before last, I had a drinking dream. I dreamt it was the morning after, and I found an almost empty bottle of some weird kind of wine. I was hungover, and couldn’t get on with my day because I felt ill. As usual, I was so relieved it was a dream when I woke up.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying enough attention yesterday, and I had a waking slip up. I hadn’t been paying attention, because I’ve been thinking about other things. On Wednesday, I will have the surgery to remove my fallopian tubes and hopefully the fibroid. It feels a lot different than when my previous surgery was imminent. Firstly, I am well. I’m not desperate to get into theatre and have cysts removed, which had become extremely uncomfortable, and very painful a week or two before the operation. Secondly, I, essentially, am choosing to do this. I’m choosing to have the surgery with all that entails, for example the recovery, time off work etc. And lastly, like every phase of this journey, there will be an outcome, of sorts, which could be good news, might be something bad. For example, there could be another cyst, I don’t know, anything. I’m trying not to think too much about that aspect of it.

So here I was, with all of that on my mind. My husband had told me the other day about one of the Ice Road Truckers who had died at 53. My husband is 53. He said it had made him think briefly about age and mortality, but that he decided he had too many model boats to build and too much travelling to do before his time is up. As usual, I started thinking about his seeming lack of interest in talking about our fertility treatment as if it could actually be a success; about his preoccupation with his own dreams. I wondered if this is all just me on my own, I wonder if I can cope with doing this without his support. Although now I do admit that I was being a tiny bit melodramatic.

At work yesterday everyone was wishing me good luck – I won’t see them again until afterwards because its’ now half term. After work, I had my second pre-op assessment, because the first was back in April. When that was over, my husband and I drove round looking for somewhere to have a meal out. We must have gone to about four pubs, which were all heaving – car parks full etc – before we ended up at The Beehive not far from home. On the journey I had been thinking about having a glass of wine – see, not paying attention to sobriety allows these thoughts in. I didn’t even remember my dream from the night before!

I even ordered a soda water at the bar and we went to sit down. I had already discussed with Mr W in the car that I wanted to feel he is supporting me in our goal to have a baby. I asked him not to talk so much about his dreams exclusively, as it makes me feel as though we want totally different things. Which isn’t true – he does want this, he’s just afraid all the treatments will lead to nothing.

Anyway, we got to the table and looked the menu. He asked me if he could go to some sort of model exhibition in Germany in 2019 as a retirement present. I immediately said yes. I don’t mind him doing that. But then I started to think about everything I’d explained above, and I just thought ‘why is he doing this again? why is he asking me stuff like this when I have other things to be worrying about’. I needed support from him – a lot of it – for the coming week. Why, again, do I have to think about our future in terms of him sat in his shed building model boats, and planning where we’re going on our next round the world trip? I don’t want to go round the world, I want to finish working on our home and enjoy my life here!!

So the waitress came to take our order and I asked for a large Sauvignon Blanc. I had already been talking about having wine and Mr W had already said one glass wont hurt. At this point I was just annoyed and wanted to act out. So I had the wine. Mr W apologised and said he hadn’t wanted to upset me.

I realise now that my husband isn’t ignoring the issue. He’s just dealing with it in his own way. He does talk about what we’re going though with other people (sometimes with his customers, and I joke that the world and his dog will know our story soon!). I think that’s his way of dealing with it. Maybe he doesn’t know what to say to me as he can’t tell me that we will be successful, because no one knows that.

As for my slip with the wine… I didn’t enjoy it very much. I felt woozy afterwards, and would much rather have gone to be stone cold sober to be honest. I felt like there wasn’t much point to it. And the worst thing, if I was in a different state of mind, it would probably pave the way for more drinking, say, tonight, as it’s Saturday.

But I’m not going to let any of it bother me. I don’t feel guilty. I just made a wrong decision yesterday, and I can choose again today. I have mentally connected sobriety to my health during this stretch of 40 days, and it doesn’t feel as though one glass of wine makes me a failure. I’m not going to reset my day counter. I will just add a ‘-1’ to the total. That might seem wrong to some people, but I feel that re-setting and starting with day 1 would be more difficult, make me feel more guilty, and make me more likely to lapse again. And I can’t get into any of that when I have surgery less than a week away.



5 weeks, a return to love

I’ve had a cold this week and I felt terrible weds to sat, it really drained me. My mood was affected and I felt a lack of support from my husband. You know, just with domestic stuff. I feel as usual, like he never helps me with anything. On Friday I got sick of the feeling of banging my head against the wall. I go through cycles of being pissed off with him, then ultimately deciding that I like the house to be a certain level of cleanliness and I tell myself I do it for me, kind of like a part of my self care. Which is fine until time or energy levels change and I start feeling resentful again. Hang on a minute, I hear you cry, aren’t you the one that wants a baby? Have you no idea the work that involves, and here you are complaining when it’s only the two of you? Yes I know
On Friday like I said, I started thinking that I need to know how to get myself out of this cycle. And other patterns of negativity too. I’m fed up of being so negative, so fearful.

Saturday morning I lay in bed trying to gather myself together for the weekly shop, still feeling rubbish with the cold. A thought came into my head; ‘I want to be close to God’. Now, I have been asking recently, to be shown the way. To be shown how to live my life, because frankly, I don’t think I’m doing the best job. Not that I feel I’m ‘failing’, just that there has to be more to life that this. I’ve felt a bit spiritually empty. But I hadn’t actually thought of the g – word.  I was brought up a christian, but somewhere along the way I began to relate more to the idea of ‘the universe’ as God felt too much like a person. But here I was, lying in bed and it just popped into my mind.

I looked at some stuff from Holly Whitaker at hip sobriety, and started to think that it might be an idea to put into practice some of her tips. After all, if you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always been getting, right? Time to do some things differently. 

When I woke up this morning, I realised that I will never be able to change my husbands behaviour. I can only change my attitude and my behaviour. And I want a more harmonious home, I want us to be concerned with bigger things than my petty ‘who does what’ thinking. I want more love in our lives, more happiness. So I decided to start very small. I wrote a little list of intentions for the day. I played meditation music whilst making myself a healthy breakfast. I did some jobs around the house. And a book dropped through the letterbox. On a Sunday?! I opened the parcel, and it was ‘a return to love’ by Marianne Williamson that I ordered only a couple of days ago. I don’t do amazon prime or anything, so I thought it would be a week of so before I got it, but here it is! So I started reading this morning and I love it so far. I also looked at a couple of articles on Mastin Kipp’s site, which I found the link to on hip sobriety. It was about rituals, specifically night time rituals. Tonight I got everything sorted ready for tomorrow, so hopefully I can give myself a bit of time to think about my intention for the day. I’ve stuck a few quotes on my mirror and I’m going to read a little more of the book now, even though it’s late.

Even if I forget to say affirmations that I’ve found, or don’t meditate every day, I don’t think I’ll forget what I thought about yesterday morning: ‘I want to be close to God’. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I really feel it.