less stress

I felt more confident at work today. I had a conversation with the head of department about something that had been bugging me. I just wanted to let him know what was going on, and how I felt about it really.
I think it’s probably better to do that than keep quiet and then complain about it at home, which is what I usually do.

I feel so much less stressed in general. Yes, I know Sunday was obviously an exception! But I don’t want to be worried about expressing good feelings, just in case I happen to have some bad ones too.

Don’t get me wrong, the same old issues are still there – money being one of them – but I don’t feel as though they are taking over my mind as much as they did before. I don’t dwell on them so much.
Which is obviously a good thing. And it’s leaving room in my brain for new ideas on how to fix things, or stay on top of stuff.

Like paying more attention to my bank account and organising myself so that I’ll be OK until payday. And remembering what they say about focusing on abundance – we still have a few John Lewis vouchers so I can get something frivolous to demonstrate my faith in an abundant universe! (Digital bathroom scales are on the wishlist – not so sure that’s a good idea considering my current daily intake of cake).
And dealing with stuff as it comes up, enabling my mind to move on and not be so stuck.

Being sober is great. I’m so glad I decided to do this ūüôā

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The New Normal

I went back to work today. The holidays have been seven weeks long, and I was trying to put thoughts of work right out of my mind until the last possible moment. Last night I fully expected not to be able to sleep, but it wasn’t bad at all. Apart from a dream I had that was very vivid at the time. The details are a bit hazy now but I remember wondering if it had any meaning when it woke me up in the night. I was on a boat or ship, at sea. With some people I knew, and some I didn’t.¬†We were in¬†danger,¬†there were¬†baddies in disguise, and they were trying to get us. I think we got on a life boat, and it went under water. Somehow I knew I’d return to the surface, but it was terrifying nonetheless. I was crying in the dream, and I felt the fear and sadness still when I woke. Anyone have any ideas what that’s all about?
Work was good. I’m lucky to have a job I actually really like, after ten years of doing a job I loathed. Like any job though, there are things (or people, should I say) that make it stressful. Random question, but does anyone feel as though a certain ‘type’ of person is always in their work life? Whatever the situation, there is always that person¬†making you feel the same way, have the same sort of issues/stresses/etc?? Or is it just me?
Anyway, half way through the afternoon,¬†a though wheedled its way into my brain, ‘ooh, it would be great to have some wine tonight’… I haven’t felt that way for ages! Sober was beginning to feel like¬†my new normal… Happily, that thought did not last long at all. It was only Wolfie taking a chance. Oh, here’s a situation we haven’t been in for a while, let’s just see if she’ll cave in.. Nope! No thanks! Posh cordial and soda water for me if it’s all the same:)
Full steam ahead tomorrow with work – everything gets going properly. More potential for stress…But look, look at me, I’m anticipating it! I know I need to line up some sober treats here, Belle has taught me well!!
Hope everyone is well and sober ūüôā

Oh, the relief!

Well, I went to the thing, the social gathering. And I survived!! I was getting nervous as we got ready¬†– I didn’t really know exactly who would be there and how many people. So I couldn’t quite picture those first few moments when we would walk in and say hi to everyone.

Before this challenge, I would have said, when offered a drink, ‘yes, wine would be lovely, thank you’, and then cling to the glass gratefully, just waiting not to feel so socially awkward. But this time, that option was obviously not available to me, and I was dreading a sudden attack of nerves at the wrong moment. So I had a Kalms tablet. Just one. They’re mild herbal sedatives, for use during the daytime. I sometimes (rarely) take a couple if I can’t sleep at night so I’d never have two in the day! Anyway, I felt a bit bad for taking something to help me feel less anxious.

My husband and I went to the place, we were offered drinks and I refused bubbles and opted for coke (seemed like the easiest non alcoholic option) and we said our hellos to people. It went OK. I was prompted by the hostess to tell her Father the story about the escaping pet crayfish (it belongs to school, I’ve looked after it over the summer) which I’d shared on Facebook at the time. It gave me something to talk about, albeit a haltingly, and sparked off quite a conversation between him and his wife, and my husband and I.

More friends arrived, and one guy who my husband had told about the 100 day challenge yesterday just came right out and said to me, in front of everyone, ‘Still dry then?’!!!! Oh My God!! The host (weird to talk in these synonyms but hey) said things along the lines of ‘oh right, so you’re not drinking!’ etc, and the wife of the guy who rumbled me caught up with what was going on and said ‘But why?’, with a very confused expression on her face! Bless her, I mean she really is a lovely girl, and it was great that no one seemed to be judging me at all! She seemed very concerned that I might have to tackle Christmas alcohol free, but I said the challenge would probably be over by the end of November or so.

After that, everything was fine, we stayed a couple of hours, there were lots of children and babies there, which I thought there would be. But that was OK. When we left, the host was just bringing out pizza, and he assured me that it was alcohol free as I took a slice. Just his normal way of joking about stuff I suppose… So I didn’t get into any deep and meaningful conversations about my being sober, but everyone knows about it now. No more big revelations to get out of the way.

In the car on the way home, I asked my husband (shall I just call him Mr W?) how he thought it went. He knew I was feeling very anxious about it beforehand, and I have to say, he has been great about me trying this sober thing. I said I felt I had got through it OK РI was just myself, no crazy insecure behaviour, no being too loud because of too much wine. He agreed, that it was fine and I had nothing to worry about.

I mean, I did feel a bit awkward, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might have been. And I was used to doing that kind of thing with a drink, so it’s bound to take a bit of getting used to. Another plus is not worrying about what I did or said while drunk.

It’s getting late, I’m back to work tomorrow, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to say about everything later.
I don’t know if anyone is reading but I hope you’re all happy and sober out there…

xx

I have to leave my bubble

I’m on day 42 of the 100 day sober challenge.

I decided to start a blog today because I suddenly have to go out there and face life. I’ve been in a lovely safe sober cocoon all summer, and now I have to leave it. I’ve been feeling anxious and afraid since I found out I’d have to go out this afternoon, not really because I think I might drink, more likely because I went to this same place a few weeks ago, and that was the occasion that made me really question whether I should be drinking. There are all sorts of demons there.

But I’ll be with people I know, so I just hope I can get past all the ‘oh, so you’re not drinking’ comments, hope my husband doesn’t leave me at any point, and wait until we can go home. That sounds really awful, I know.

I’m going to be late if I don’t go and get ready… wish me luck!