My husband and I received our wedding photobook yesterday. We showed it to a few people today – it is really beautiful, the day was beautiful. I am starting to feel more relaxed about it…
About an hour ago I was reading around the blogs, and I saw a post which reminded me, together with the wedding album, that there was a reason why I stopped drinking – I had hit a ‘bottom’ of sorts.
I need to explain a bit. My husband has two daughters from his previous marriage. They aren’t really in contact with him (it’s just a coincidence that they live on our road so we see them occasionally in passing. Odd, I know). Let’s just say that for him and me, well if we do nothing, we will be unable to have children. If we do something, we may slightly improve our chances. I am 35, and for the last 5 years, my body has been telling me I want kids, and my heart has been telling me about all sorts of bridge-crossing in the future, miracles happening etc.
By the time of the wedding (June 7th), I had been drinking a fair bit. I’d done dry January and felt good, then gone back to the wine and it didn’t take long before I was drinking a couple of glasses on the odd weeknight etc etc, until it was pretty much every night, more at the weekends. And there were social things going on the closer the big day got. The best man’s wife, and one of my bridesmaids (my best friend) were both pregnant. On the day, the BMs wife was only about two weeks off her due date. I was dealing with it (sort of) because it was such a full on day.
Until right near the end of the night. I’d had a fair amount of wine and champagne by this time. But luckily I don’t think there were many people around. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say that a song came on (which I hadn’t put on our playlist, because I think it was written about a child), and I fell to pieces. I stood in the middle of the venue, and sobbed. Real, body shaking, desperate sobs that seemed to come up from the ground itself. The best man found me and asked what was wrong but I couldn’t tell him. I felt so much fear and sorrow that I may never be able to experience what his wife and my best friend were experiencing. I may never be a mother. The BM’s pregnant wife found my husband who took me outside to comfort me.
But for the most part, my husband didn’t understand and couldn’t cope with all my feelings. When we came back from honeymoon and the baby was born I couldn’t deal with it. I felt alone (couldn’t really talk to my pregnant best friend about it) and afraid, sad and the absolute worst, jealous. Plus ashamed, for feeling jealous.
I thought we wouldn’t survive. I worried that our marriage would be over practically before it had begun. We went to a party at the couple’s home. She said I could hold the baby, and I said oh no, thank you. I drank too much. Why wouldn’t a couple of the women meet my eyes when I was trying to blink back tears and be normal? Worried what everyone thought of me the next day.
A couple of days later I realised that was it. I had to do something. I was staring depression in the eyes and to stop it’s attack and hopefully get my husband to listen to my hopes and fears properly, I had to stop drinking. I managed 10 days, and then had a fuck it moment one night and opened one of the bottles the teachers had given me at the end of term. I knew I ought to have given them away at the time…
So 5 days later I stopped lurking around Belle’s blog, and asked to be signed up for 100 days. I needed some accountability. And I’ve felt good. I’ve started seeing a counsellor – not sure for how long I can afford to go though. And I’ve mainly kept myself in a lovely safe sober bubble.
Then I saw that other blog post and remembered it all again, and the wedding album made me think of it too. How could I not have noticed that gaping wound?
My pregnant friend hasn’t been in touch for a while – I don’t know why it has gone quiet but I’m not complaining. And I’m ashamed of that. What if she needs me? She is my oldest friend but I can’t handle it. I’m not there yet. And what will happen when she has the baby?
Time might be running out to deal with this… but I’m not ready. I still have such a long way to go. In sobriety, too – I’m only on day 48. That’s not even half way to 100.
Some good things though – I am no longer afraid for my marriage. My husband has seen how hard it is for me sometimes (the party last Sunday), and he knows I am doing the best I can to deal with this (quitting the wine, getting counselling).
I feel a bit less alone. I think there is help out there if I need it. We will try something. It might work, it might not. I’m sober.