More me

Day 60.

I’m feeling really good 🙂

Things are up and down, but I’m slowly getting better at not identifying so much with passing feelings. I mean, relatively. I still have a long way to go but I definitely have improved!
So does this mean I am closer to being ‘joyful’ and not just ‘happy’?

I saw my best friend tonight and really enjoyed spending time with her. I was worried that we would have less and less in common, and our friendship won’t mean as much when she has the baby. But I was wrong. If anything, it makes the whole thing seem more possible to me, spending time with her. There will be a child in my life in a way when she has her daughter. I might even be able to have one of my own if Mr W and I decide to go down that road and if it happened to be a success.

Either way, life will never be all ‘up’. That wouldn’t work. There are always going to be ‘downs’ whatever they may consist of.

I think a big factor in feeling a bit calmer about all this was revealed to me yesterday when I saw my counsellor. She said what she was picking up from me was a desire to be clearer. ‘No shit’, I hear you cry! Getting sober, seeing a counsellor…it’s obvious I want to get clear. But I also want to be free (as much as I can be) from the other influences that were pressing in on me. Like the biological clock. The desire to fit in with other women I know who are, or are going to become mothers.

I want to be more me. To express more of myself. I like being me, I think, on some fundamental level. And I want to make sure that important stuff – decisions like this – come from me. Not pressure from outside, or my faulty thinking about my own worthiness or whatever. Authentic, real, me.

Tomorrow… I can almost guarantee more stress at work. It’s crunch time. Confronting my colleague. Well, my manager will be doing. But I have chosen (so far) to bring up the subject initially.
I don’t want to feel anxious, because logically, I don’t see why I should allow her that power over me. But it’s kind of a physical reaction and I do feel that way.
Let’s just hope I can be the authentic, real, me!

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a lot more to lose

I had a small meltdown today at work. There were tears. I was listened to, and reassured. I feel better.
I know I’m not handling the work stuff perfectly but I am doing the best I can, and I’m trying to be as honest as I can be.

I did think of wine for about half a second, and then it passed. It’s becoming less like something I will actually do, and more like a leftover thought process that doesn’t go anywhere anymore. Like a dead end thought.
I’m hoping it will eventually disintegrate altogether.

If I drank now, I would have a lot more to lose. With each day of being sober, being further away from the last drink, I’m making more progress (I’m half stating this, half telling myself!) and I’d lose all that if I had a drink.
Which, ridiculously, makes me anxious that a) it might somehow happen by accident, that I could drink – as in unplanned by me and against my will. And b) that the increased risk, ie what I stand to lose, in itself might create more anxiety and therefore more of an inclination to drink…

Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard!
Is that my addict brain talking?

To a certain extent these 100 days feel like a tightrope. When I was not far off the beginning I wasn’t too bothered. Here in the middle, I want to rush to the other side and plant both feet on solid ground. Then again, if I rush, I might lose my balance and fall off…

Anyway, it’s all a bit strange out here on day 57, but I really don’t spend much time thinking about drinking. Here’s what Belle said in her email to me yesterday:

‘right around day 60 you’ll be thinking about NOT drinking a lot less….and really after day 90 things are significantly less weird.’

Good to know!! 🙂

slow right down and rest

This morning I realised that what felt like the start of a fluey cold yesterday (dizziness, headache, fatigue, making silly mistakes) was actually a migraine.

I went to bed early, woke at around 8am, and the headache had only got worse. I hadn’t noticed at first that it was a migraine because they usually start with an aura, but this time, there was no warning, so I didn’t take the medication. Or was there a warning?

A couple of days ago I called a post ‘my brain is worn out’ so might have been a bit of a clue, surely!

It took me a while to recover today – I slept till about 1, then had a false start when I got up and showered and dressed, then had to have a lie down again – was still wiped out.

I wonder whether a migraine is my body’s way of making me slow right down and rest?

So I haven’t seen my friend today, arranged to meet on Tuesday instead. I’m looking forward to seeing her, and will try not to let my fears get in the way of our friendship. We’ll be fine 🙂

As far as work goes, even though the problem (still!) wont be solved immediately, I think I did well yesterday with delegating. And I’ve decided what I will and won’t do in terms of the ridiculous work load that we have with not enough hours. I feel this is the best I can do at the moment.

Hope everyone out there is well, happy and sober 🙂

panic in the wine aisle

I had thoughts of drinking today. The end of a hard week, and my mind was on the wine.

I went to the supermarket after work and felt mild panic (another oxymoron? I must stop doing that!) when I passed the wine. As if some might leap into my trolley and I might accidentally drink it. But it passed. I was OK. Bought the replacement drink instead 🙂

When I got home, I put the cold food away and then straightaway ran a bath. It felt so good. I started to read Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection. So far, I really like it.

Logged on here and saw that I’m not on this week’s Friday Celebration Roundup on Belle’s blog. I was disappointed, but I haven’t been emailing every day like I should, so I guess she didn’t know what I was up to…

It doesn’t matter though – I know where I’m at (only just though – my counter app thingy doesn’t work properly!).

Some time in the next few days I’ll be meeting up with my best friend, which I’m feeling very apprehensive about. I worry about being unable to relate to her because she is heavily pregnant, and as I said, that doesn’t appear to feature for me, in my future.

So the worry is back! And that, together with thoughts of wine, is scary. I would hate so much to fail at this 100 day challenge, and beyond. It seemed so easy only a short time ago but not now.

I’m going to try to sleep as much as possible this weekend (I think I’m coming down with something), and read the Gifts of Imperfection. I obviously need some serious self-care to get me through this low.

Update: I emailed Belle, and she replied, saying she would add me to the list today! And she has!! I am Raspberry, and I have 54 days of sobriety! I can DO THIS! 😀

My brain is worn out!

The stress at work continues. The issue hasn’t been resolved yet, but there seems to be something in the pipeline…

I am frustrated because I’m not in control of the situation, which I would say directly affects me. I have made my best efforts to express my concerns, and I do think my manager agrees that things can’t continue the way they are…

And yet the person I’m having difficulty with is basically doing whatever suits them, and getting away with it! I’m left to pick up all the slack so that the department doesn’t suffer, and I’m physically exhausted, plus I’m forgetting things right left and centre. Which is embarrassing!

I have really tried to be restrained and not get all emotional about this, tried not to let it affect me, but the truth is, after dragging on like this, it has. I feel undervalued, unappreciated.

I love my job, and I put a lot of effort in. I want to be brilliant at it, and make good progress. Maybe this is just a necessary readjustment phase – it is possible that we’ll get someone new in the department if this person moves on.

The thought of wine has not remotely crossed my mind. It wouldn’t do anything at all to help. But because I’m not numbing my brain every evening, I think a lot more about this kind of stuff… Not in a despairing sort of way, more like trying to solve the problem. But I haven’t got the right tools for the job, not for thinking about this nor acting upon it. I need to get me some of those… Good grief, sobriety is exhausting, my brain is worn out!

OK, the plan is… this is beyond my control. I will try to stay calm (not easy on a demanding day like today), and wait for whatever is going to happen. Because I’m pretty convinced there will be a change, and I want to be ready for it. Does that sound OK, as plans go?

Just as a completely unrelated aside – penguins always make me smile 😀

penguin