My Subconscious wants to save me

Last night I dreamt l drank again. Not just a few sips this time, but two nights in a row of excessive alcohol consumption.

In the dream, I was away for the weekend with some people from work,  and others who I don’t know in waking life but I did in this scenario. You know how things are in dreams.

I not only felt terrible physically, the feelings of regret and shame were off the scale. I had caused problems for myself and other people. I had upset people and made them angry.

I remember thinking back to the one glass of wine that started it all. It seemed so natural and normal to drink this inoffensive little glass. But really it was like opening Pandora’s Box, and within hours, I’d ruined everything I’ve tried to do since I quit.

The absolute worst part of it all was the endless amount of time I seemed to spend in a half awake, half asleep state, asking myself, ‘Did that actually happen?’. I really thought I might wake up to find it was actually real!!!

Luckily, thankfully, it was only a dream. A scary one, but not real.

I will now stop moaning about wanting pink clouds, and complaining about my (temporarily) perceived lack of benefits to sobriety, and just bloody get on with it.

After the wake up call I’ve just had (see what I did there 😉 ), being sober is definitely the future!

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only when I dream

I’ve just read ‘What’s the point?’ on A Woman Without Wine’s blog. I started to comment on it then realised I had quite a bit to say, so….

I’m on day 68, and reading the Jason Vale book at the moment. While I do agree with his views to an extent, I don’t see much evidence (I will admit that I haven’t looked very hard!) that normal drinkers are in any kind of ‘trap’ of alcohol addiction.

In my bizarre quest for recognition (what IS that all about?) over the last few days, I occasionally tell them my day count. They look at me quizzically. Oh right. Why are you counting days? Why are you not drinking?….So what’s the big deal? They do not justify their own consumption, or come out with a barrage of questions. Just very sort of disinterested really.

And I myself don’t feel massively compelled to drink. I feel good, don’t get me wrong, and I think it’s a good idea to complete the 100 day challenge at least. But I don’t have boundless energy, or masses of extra time. Problems are still problems, and it feels like a while since I’ve had a pink cloud moment.

Those half hearted ‘why have you quit’ questions actually make me think to myself, ‘what IS the point?’ Do I feel any different? I really feel like the answer is ‘not that much’ but perhaps I am fooling myself???

I haven’t got round to quitting sugar yet but I do want to drastically improve my diet – I need more energy and I don’t feel my body is very healthy yet despite quitting the booze. But I am a bit worried that either I won’t be successful at changing my diet, or even if I manage to do it, I still won’t feel any better.

It’s only when I dream about drinking that I panic. A couple of accidental sips because I ‘forgot’ my commitment to 100 days, and in my dream I am devastated – having lost my 60-odd days I am an utter failure and can never forgive myself.

I really would love some pink clouds at some point…

Nobody cares

I recently bumped into a friend from my previous job, who mentioned she would be signing up for ‘Sober in October’, a fundraising challenge in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support. She was a bit apprehensive, as she used to ‘enjoy her wine’ shall we say, as much as I did. She has since been moderating, but anyway, the point being that she said ‘well I have to do it now because I shared it on facebook’. Mmm, accountability!

I said I might as well join in, as I’m sort of doing it anyway – it coincides with my own 100 day sober challenge. I posted my intention on facebook – couldn’t sign up officially on the Macmillan website as they were having problems but I thought it was worth a status update anyway.

Now, I am not in the habit of posting on facebook 20 times a day. I assume people would prefer that I didn’t notify them of my every movement. So stuff I do post is what I would consider worthwhile. Like saying you’re going to do sober in October, plus I’ve successfully achieved 65 days already. I’m quite proud of myself. But nope. Not one response. Not one single person out of my eighty or so friends on this particular social media site even so much as ‘liked’ my revelation.

So this morning I decided to try again to sign up on the Macmillan website – maybe an official picture of my commitment might provoke more of a response. I want someone to tell me I’m doing well, God dammit! Posted again – complete with the Macmillan logo and everything. Still nothing. Got very upset/cross this afternoon because other people who were signing up got no end of encouragement – comments, likes etc.

I even texted my husband to ask him to please ‘like’ my status update because none of my friends give two hoots, and after TWO posts on the same subject, well it’s embarrassing to receive no response at all.
So he ‘liked’ them both, plus a completely unrelated update that I posted about a month ago. Great.

I did speak to my counsellor about it earlier, and she said people may not have seen it or whatever, basically said don’t worry about it. And I was fine then, but still no likes. But people have seen it, surely – they have been logged on, you can see it.

Why does no one care? I’m signing up for the charity thing too! I have 66 days already and I think it’s no small feat. No one cares! <wailing now>. How much of an insecure, desperate person does this make me sound!! I am rather appalled at myself to be honest, but it’s still there, that need for recognition.

I JUST WANT A GODDAMN LIKE!!! Is that too much to ask????

So for any more-newly-sober-than-I-am people out there… I’m pretty sure you will find this is good to know. If you feel like the spotlight is on the sober you, and it seems people will judge what you are doing and scrutinise your motives and make you feel uncomfortable, for the most part, I reckon people just don’t care.
Great :/

Just stay put?

There are opportunities arising lately that I am considering, but if I really listen to my inner voice closely, I think it is telling me just to stay put.

When all that business with my colleague was going on, a couple of people said to me things along the lines of ‘we don’t want to lose you’. Ironically, I hadn’t thought of looking for work elsewhere until they had said this.

I found a position advertised that I think I probably wouldn’t get, but on the other hand, I seem to have become somewhat optimistic since quitting the wine. So I thought I would give it a go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

So I started to update my CV. I’m sure with a bit of effort I could finish it and it would look pretty good. But something is telling me I haven’t got enough to shout about yet. My work here (in my current job) is not done. The place is in turmoil – we are probably going to be taken over, my manager has handed his notice in, and my colleague has applied for a job in another department. So it would seem a good time to jump ship if I were that way inclined. But the fact is, I have created goals and I want to see them through. Stay put.

Another, more realistic and potentially brilliant opportunity crossed my path. The chance to attend a course on CSI forensic science at the National Science Learning Centre. It would be so great to go, but… two days in November and two days in March can only mean one thing – the dreaded ‘gap task’ will have to be completed back at school in the intervening months.

What’s the problem? Well, I was thoroughly disappointed with my efforts for the last course I attended. My gap task was utter rubbish. And this course is intended mainly for teachers, so I feel I would be out of my depth even to begin with. I did ask one of the teachers if he would help me with the classroom side of things for a potential gap task and he did say yes. But. We are so low on hours in my role that asking for so much more work – which is essentially what the outcome of this course is likely to be – is probably not a wise move.

It is unfortunate, and I am disappointed, but I really do feel that I should not be biting off more than I can chew at the moment.

I want to get myself ‘up and running’ properly if that makes any sense. Build on this sober momentum carefully, gradually, with progress that can be sustained. Not rush out and do anything and everything that presents itself as an option without considering the consequences.

One small point…Will I know the difference between this feeling – cautious, optimistic, gradual change for the better – and actual resistance to change? Someone – who I just disagree with as a person entirely, but that’s another story – once told me I was ‘very resistant to change’. I think it is a tendency in all of us to a certain extent but for some reason I took it very personally as a failing and can still hear it being said now.

Day 65 – I will be sober in October 😀