You may now turn over your exam paper

I won’t know what this feels like until tomorrow, about 1pm. I haven’t really revised very well, I feel I have been complacent with my sobriety. I haven’t done enough work.

And now the exam (wedding).

I am about as anxiety-ridden as it gets, but I can’t really do anything about it now. I just have to try and get a good night’s sleep tonight.

I just read something that said sobriety is pass/fail. This metaphor is actually starting to work in my favour because I used to like exams at school. I like exams, I am (was? am?) good at them. I generally (always, I think) pass. I can pass this one. I WILL pass this exam.

OK, hand me that clear pencil case, I’m going in…. 😀

crazy 88…what do I tell myself?

I’ve had a crazy day 88. Lots going on at work. Amongst other things, I had a small accident when a boiling tube (large test tube) of boiling ethanol bubbled over, and scalded me on the thumb (ow!) and caught fire on the bench. Oops. Thankfully nothing worse than a blister on my thumb was the result. And, mercifully, nobody was watching. How embarrassing would that have been?!

Is there a message in there somewhere? Alcohol is dangerous and volatile, and you can get your fingers burned if you misuse it…?

Maybe I need to think about that a bit more carefully, because in the last few days, I have really been wanting to drink wine. I know I’m not helping myself because I seem to drift along with no real plan. I mean, I have goals, ideas of what I’d like to achieve, but I’m not good at organising my time, especially in the evenings. And I drift and drift, staying up too late, leaving me with less energy for the next day and so it goes on.

Exactly my behaviour when I was drinking, but then I slept terribly. At least I sleep well now.

Whether it is the upcoming wedding that’s making me have these thoughts, I’m not sure. My mind seems to conjure up possible scenarios in which a drink would go very nicely. Situations which I think might occur in the future, and I hear myself say ‘Oh it’s OK, you wont miss out, you’ll probably be back on the wine by then’.

There is obviously still a part of my brain that is not convinced of this sober thing. Wolfie still has a voice, sometimes loud and clear. I worry that this is coinciding with the wedding, and I worry that I might not make it to the end of day 90.

Or at the very least, that day 90 will be a huge struggle. But I cannot give up with only ten days to go. ten days is nothing, but one day might cost me everything….

I feel a bit better for having written that. My husband has had a couple of glasses of white wine tonight, and we were both at the computer looking at something. I could smell the wine. If I think about that, and think about how the wine would feel in my mouth (horrible and vinegary), and how my body would feel after a few glasses (fuzzy head, thirsty, drowsy), the appeal does lessen.

Please leave, Wolfie. You’re not welcome here.

I am happy to be sober. Happy to be me. I would not be me if I drank. Wolfie would drown me. I must tell myself, over and over and over.