Day 17: Things that make me feel better #?

Hope everyone had a good weekend ūüôā

I did think about drinking…not having a drink as such, just about drinking in general. I wished, at some moments, that I could just be a normal drinker and not have to worry about staying sober. But when I thought more about how drinking would feel exactly, I did not feel I was missing out. Apart from anything else, I’m not missing the wasted weekend¬†mornings spent in bed sleeping off a headache.

Whilst the weather was good on Saturday I worked in the garden, pottering in the greenhouse and tidying the shed and coal house. And in the evening, Mr took me to see Eddie the Eagle. It was brilliant. If you get chance to see it, I can highly recommend it. Very uplifting, a good soundtrack, Hugh Jackman, what more could you ask for?! Well, Eddie only drank milk so the hero is sober too, added bonus!! I only just remember Eddie being in the Olympics, but had no concept of how much he had actually achieved. He never gave up!

Actually this should be in the #thingsthatmakemefeelbetter list, because that film is one of them, and I’m now watching Peter Kay’s Comedy Shuffle on BBC2, which is another.

Laughing is good ūüôā

Advertisements

A good day

Yesterday was a much better day at work. I¬†felt a bit fragile and emotional because¬†the pregnant teacher and head of dept were giggling about her baby bump. She’s showing a lot more, and for some stupid reason, I just don’t know where to look when people talk about it. But I’m still trying really hard to redirect my thoughts to myself, and the action that my husband and I need to take to get to where we want to be. I’m doing quite well at that, I think.¬†Having said that,¬†my brain is trying to have silly, anxious thoughts about what my colleagues think of me. A and I were talking about the new supply teacher, who seemed very anxious. I compared this to myself¬†– I admitted I’m an anxious person, but I didn’t think I made other people feel anxious by being anxious myself, as this supply teacher does.¬†He said ‘oh yes, you were very nervous when you started here’. Yes I know. But¬† I wasn’t immobilised by fear, I’m certain of that. I remember deciding to smile, say yes a lot, and be friendly all the time, and worry about what the hell I was doing later. It was a good strategy, I think! But now I’m worrying that I looked like a total idiot.

No, no. I can’t allow myself to think like this. I worked in a supermarket for 10+ years, completely away from my academic background of science. Then¬†I got this job, where there was no-one doing the job to train me. So I picked it all up along the way. Even when the second technician joined a few weeks later, she’d never done the job either. I’m really proud of how I’ve progressed and what I can do now. Dammit, who bloody cares if I was nervous to start with!!¬†This just goes to show that sobriety is absolutely the way forward for me, as my mind definitely tends towards anxiety, and drinking would only add to that.

So to continue with the story…N and I swapped activities for the day – there was an experiment coming up which meant she could put into practice the skills she learned on a recent training course, and I explained I really needed some practice using the spreadsheet. So instead of doing what we both found easiest (she is so good on the computer I am rather intimidated), we worked on areas we needed to improve. Win/win!

It’s been a good day today. I slept in late (Mr had a fire call, so I was awake for a couple of hours early morning), then did a couple of loads of laundry. Walked to the post office, then did a detour on the way home, along the reservoir and through the woods. The birds were singing, it was lovely. I planted more seeds in the greenhouse, then had a bath, and made curry for tea afterwards.

It’s late now, husband is out at the pub and I’m going to have one more AF drink then go to bed. He said earlier he’d like to go out, and I thought oh no, I hope he’s not going to try to make me go with him and ‘just have one drink’. But no, I told him he should go if he wanted to and he said ‘can I?’. I don’t feel I’m missing out at all, and I’m so glad he’s doing what he wants and I’m doing what I want. Another win/win:)

 

 

One foot in front of the other

Yesterday afternoon, I got home about 4pm after visiting my sister and my parents, and I felt there was a strange gap to be filled before dinner. Anxious not to let my mind settle on thoughts of wine, I just¬†announced ‘right, I’m going to have a bath’, in a reflex action sort of way. I took my tablet and listened to a couple of Belle’s audios. Husband made dinner (we say ‘tea’…it feels odd to say dinner, but I think you wouldn’t know what I’m on about) so it was ready when I got out of the bath. I had about three glasses of pomegranate and something cordial with soda water and mint leaves. Loooovely!! Self care ROCKS!

Watched the new Sunday night 9pm drama, then had a fairly sleepless night before going back to work today after the two week Easter holiday. I think the sleeplessness was partly the usual will-my-alarm-go-off post-holiday anxiety, and partly the hot flushes. Honestly, its enough to drive you mad, the constant flinging off of the duvet because of the heat and then huddling under it again because of shivering. And no sleep. <sigh>. On the bright side, this should start to wear off soon, as I have had my last injection.

I always love the idea of the sober bubble, but this time I wasn’t sure how I’d feel being back at work for the very early days. I’m just going to have to take one step at a time, and¬†be extra mindful to¬†maintain the self care.¬†So after¬†a good day at work,¬†I got¬†home this afternoon¬†and hoisted Husband out of his chair and off for a bracing walk before tea. I wanted to investigate a possible route for running, should I¬†ever pluck up the¬†courage to¬†go out in daylight with my running stuff on. The fresh air was great, I really enjoyed it. Self care ROCKS! Again!

So I’ve had another of the pomegranate drinks with fresh mint, I’m¬†looking forward to 9pm drama on the telly,¬†and I’ll probably have another sleepless night, but¬†I feel brilliant. Day 3 ūüôā

 

 

 

Things that make me feel better #2

Sunday night, I’ve made it through the weekend sober! I did have some cravings, although they weren’t bad. And I really made an effort with self care, so I’m feeling pretty good.
This afternoon I spent some time gardening as the weather was so good. I planted loads of seeds, did some weeding and generally tidied up. I had been worrying about some tiny little things going on at work, really winding myself up, but after an hour or so of being outside, I felt so much better. So gardening is number 2 on the list of things that make me feel better.
However…There is also something slightly triggery about working in the garden on a lovely warm day. But that feeling didn’t last long, and I feel great about reaching day 8.
Also feeling a bit more positive on the infertility front. I think the hormones have settled down (about time!), and I’m keen to talk to the consultant a week on Tuesday about what I need to do to be ivf ready. I really hope it’s a possibility for me…I worry that when we eventually do get to a fertility clinic, they’ll say the damage is too great and it won’t work.
But that’s not the way to approach this…I’m working on turning the negativity around – and there are plenty of bloggers out there who are inspiring me. I’m going to borrow a quote – ‘be the change you want to see in the world’. ‚ėļ

Strong enough

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this week, and it felt like mainly downs…And despite really wanting wine earlier, I’ve reached day six! My mind was full of chatter as usual. Full of negative noise. My usual response to this on a Friday night has been to open the wine, but I’m very glad I didn’t tonight.

It’s lovely to go to bed, looking forward to a day off tomorrow, and still be sober. Even though I haven’t been very successful on the self care front, I feel calmer just for being sober.

A friend at work told me yesterday, to always remember who I am, and work on looking after myself so that I’m strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me. She said she could sense how low I am, how the past few months have been hard for me. And the importance of her reminder to take care of myself is slowly sinking in…I felt too embattled yesterday to fully realise that I can change things for myself. But the idea is beginning to take root. And drinking will not help me. On to day seven ūüôā

It’s time to try harder

So today is day one. It’s time I stopped caving in on day 5 or 6. This is more important, and deserves more than the half-hearted effort I have been making.

Even though I’ve essentially been moderating and only drinking at weekends, this pattern has begun to affect me, possibly as much as if I was having¬†wine every night. I’ve noticed self-care routines get pushed to one side, and even if it is only for a couple of days, there is a definite knock-on effect for the rest of the week. And I am in serious need of self-care at the moment. I’ve read a few posts lately from longer term sober bloggers, and I realise I want to be there again. I know it brought more fears of not fitting in for me last time, but I don’t fit in anywhere at all now anyway. So that shouldn’t make a difference.

Along similar lines to not fitting in… It’s Mother’s day today. Mr W and I are going to his mum’s, then over to my sister’s with all of my family for food later on. It feels like it’s going to be a long day, and maybe a day of putting a brave face on everything. Again.

And when I get back to work tomorrow, I’m dreading the ‘how was your weekend?’ questions. Especially since Friday was a snow day, and especially since it is Mother’s day. I know people just want to make conversation, but I feel like my life is so nothing that I never have anything positive to say, and would rather just get on with keeping my brave face in tact, get on with work.

And then there are other peoples responses…after this weekend obviously they will be talking about what they have done with their kids. This ‘brave face’ is so hard to keep up. The thought of having to act normal around everyone both today and¬†tomorrow is so¬†tiring and it’s making me cry.

Half an hour later...

I’m sorry if this makes me sound bitter and depressed. I’m just finding it really hard at the moment. One day at a time might help me here… Even one hour at a time. I can get through it. I will.