Anxiety

Well, the ‘fluttering heart’ I mentioned in my last post wasn’t so bad the few days before our appointment at the clinic on Friday. Perhaps I was over the worst of the anxiety – maybe it was still there but I just didn’t notice it as much.

The outcome of the appointment was fairly positive – we have decided to try at least one cycle of IVF with my eggs. I plan to post in more detail about that on the other blog. The odd thing is, although I’m feeling pretty good about that, the anxiety has returned.

I think it might be due to a Christmas meal I have to go to tonight. It’s a work thing, a leaving do, too, in a pub. I’m 15 days sober today, and while I really don’t want to drink, I could do without putting myself into drinking situations deliberately. I actually just want to hibernate. I can’t think of anything to enjoy about going to socialise with people. That sounds so terrible, I know. But the truth is, infertility has knocked my self confidence (not that I had much in the first place), so I can’t see myself functioning in a setting that is purely social. I have forgotten how to ‘present’ myself , if that makes sense? I don’t know who I am anymore, I got lost somewhere. I feel…blank, in a way.

My work colleagues know about the fluttering heart, I told them earlier in the week. So I could feasibly text someone and say it’s causing me chest pains again, so I can’t go tonight. But I can’t keep letting my world get smaller and smaller, can I? I must push myself out of my comfort zone? My chest hurts just thinking about it.

It’s times like this when I need a sober friend, face to face. And I think this is part of what ultimately led me down the path of relapse last time – feeling isolated in a world full of normal drinkers, and lonely because of our struggles with infertility. (There it goes again, my chest thump thumping away. the other day when the irregular beating had died down, I thought, ‘is my heart actually still going??!’). I did drive past the venue for a local AA meeting many times during that year, eyeing it up and always chickening out. But I don’t think AA is for me.

So in the absence of a sober friend right here beside me (because, let’s face it, none of the ‘normies’ get it), I’m writing this to you. I really don’t know what to do.

Christmas do’s and Christmas dont’s

I’ve just got home after going to a carol service at the church my parents go to. It was my husband’s idea to go, and I’m glad we did. There’s a new minister there, and it felt like a fresh approach, in a subtle way, to a carol service. They also missed a verse or two out of some of the carols, so that there was time to cram in as many as possible 🙂 I’m sure it did me the world of good, all that breathing – hymns seem to always be in a high key and require great lungfuls of air to reach all the notes!

On Friday I went out for a meal with people from work – our Christmas do. It was a lovely evening and a chance to say goodbye to our head of department, and see a couple of other people I’d not seen for a while. I felt quite comfortable, even when we moved on for drinks afterwards. I’m so relieved that I’m getting used to going to social events where others drink and I don’t. I mean, it really does depend on who you are with, I’ve found, and the escape route has to be planned but on the whole I’m improving 🙂

But I am expecting a few cravings. Not necessarily for wine, more like the odd sherry. We decorated the tree earlier, listening to Christmas songs. It would have been nice to have a glass of something christmassy in my hand as well. A Christmas don’t! My plan is to find some good recipes for non alcoholic seasonal drinks, so that I don’t feel I’m completely missing out. So if anyone has any ideas to get me started, please let me know!

I hope everyone out there is well and happy, and managing to find some time to relax 🙂 x