if only sobriety was a magic wand

Yesterday, I went for lunch in the city with my friend who is expecting. We had a lovely time catching up on everything. I’m looking forward to her baby being born, her due date is three weeks away – not long now!

I’m not sure why, but today my mind has been going over and over unkind things people have said to me recently. It has made me feel vulnerable, and it feels like I’ve had to try extra hard to think instead about people who do like me, and have made me feel good about myself. I know I’m really the one who makes me feel good about myself at the end of the day, but sometimes it affects you more than others, doesn’t it, what people say.

Anyway, I also started to feel vulnerable about the infertility. That story about Robbie Williams dancing around whilst his wife was in labour – and posting it on social media – was really starting to get to me. I ended up doing what I haven’t done for quite a while, googling infertility blogs. And now the tears have started, and won’t stop.

I know I will be OK – sobriety has really helped with cushioning the lows. But I sometimes I just wish that sobriety would fix more things. I was doing so well recently, realising that I wanted some sense of clarity about this situation, rather than to feel pressured into trying for a baby just because of my own fears, or searching for worthiness in the wrong places. But it somehow feels as raw as ever right now. I feel crushed by the weight of it all.

If only being sober was a magic wand…For one tiny millisecond there, it felt like wine could have sweetened the bitterness in my mouth. But I know it won’t. And I will not be bitter. Surely that is one thing, at least, that I stand a good chance of being able to control as a result of not drinking.

It will be OK.

only when I dream

I’ve just read ‘What’s the point?’ on A Woman Without Wine’s blog. I started to comment on it then realised I had quite a bit to say, so….

I’m on day 68, and reading the Jason Vale book at the moment. While I do agree with his views to an extent, I don’t see much evidence (I will admit that I haven’t looked very hard!) that normal drinkers are in any kind of ‘trap’ of alcohol addiction.

In my bizarre quest for recognition (what IS that all about?) over the last few days, I occasionally tell them my day count. They look at me quizzically. Oh right. Why are you counting days? Why are you not drinking?….So what’s the big deal? They do not justify their own consumption, or come out with a barrage of questions. Just very sort of disinterested really.

And I myself don’t feel massively compelled to drink. I feel good, don’t get me wrong, and I think it’s a good idea to complete the 100 day challenge at least. But I don’t have boundless energy, or masses of extra time. Problems are still problems, and it feels like a while since I’ve had a pink cloud moment.

Those half hearted ‘why have you quit’ questions actually make me think to myself, ‘what IS the point?’ Do I feel any different? I really feel like the answer is ‘not that much’ but perhaps I am fooling myself???

I haven’t got round to quitting sugar yet but I do want to drastically improve my diet – I need more energy and I don’t feel my body is very healthy yet despite quitting the booze. But I am a bit worried that either I won’t be successful at changing my diet, or even if I manage to do it, I still won’t feel any better.

It’s only when I dream about drinking that I panic. A couple of accidental sips because I ‘forgot’ my commitment to 100 days, and in my dream I am devastated – having lost my 60-odd days I am an utter failure and can never forgive myself.

I really would love some pink clouds at some point…

slow right down and rest

This morning I realised that what felt like the start of a fluey cold yesterday (dizziness, headache, fatigue, making silly mistakes) was actually a migraine.

I went to bed early, woke at around 8am, and the headache had only got worse. I hadn’t noticed at first that it was a migraine because they usually start with an aura, but this time, there was no warning, so I didn’t take the medication. Or was there a warning?

A couple of days ago I called a post ‘my brain is worn out’ so might have been a bit of a clue, surely!

It took me a while to recover today – I slept till about 1, then had a false start when I got up and showered and dressed, then had to have a lie down again – was still wiped out.

I wonder whether a migraine is my body’s way of making me slow right down and rest?

So I haven’t seen my friend today, arranged to meet on Tuesday instead. I’m looking forward to seeing her, and will try not to let my fears get in the way of our friendship. We’ll be fine 🙂

As far as work goes, even though the problem (still!) wont be solved immediately, I think I did well yesterday with delegating. And I’ve decided what I will and won’t do in terms of the ridiculous work load that we have with not enough hours. I feel this is the best I can do at the moment.

Hope everyone out there is well, happy and sober 🙂