Anxiety

Well, the ‘fluttering heart’ I mentioned in my last post wasn’t so bad the few days before our appointment at the clinic on Friday. Perhaps I was over the worst of the anxiety – maybe it was still there but I just didn’t notice it as much.

The outcome of the appointment was fairly positive – we have decided to try at least one cycle of IVF with my eggs. I plan to post in more detail about that on the other blog. The odd thing is, although I’m feeling pretty good about that, the anxiety has returned.

I think it might be due to a Christmas meal I have to go to tonight. It’s a work thing, a leaving do, too, in a pub. I’m 15 days sober today, and while I really don’t want to drink, I could do without putting myself into drinking situations deliberately. I actually just want to hibernate. I can’t think of anything to enjoy about going to socialise with people. That sounds so terrible, I know. But the truth is, infertility has knocked my self confidence (not that I had much in the first place), so I can’t see myself functioning in a setting that is purely social. I have forgotten how to ‘present’ myself , if that makes sense? I don’t know who I am anymore, I got lost somewhere. I feel…blank, in a way.

My work colleagues know about the fluttering heart, I told them earlier in the week. So I could feasibly text someone and say it’s causing me chest pains again, so I can’t go tonight. But I can’t keep letting my world get smaller and smaller, can I? I must push myself out of my comfort zone? My chest hurts just thinking about it.

It’s times like this when I need a sober friend, face to face. And I think this is part of what ultimately led me down the path of relapse last time – feeling isolated in a world full of normal drinkers, and lonely because of our struggles with infertility. (There it goes again, my chest thump thumping away. the other day when the irregular beating had died down, I thought, ‘is my heart actually still going??!’). I did drive past the venue for a local AA meeting many times during that year, eyeing it up and always chickening out. But I don’t think AA is for me.

So in the absence of a sober friend right here beside me (because, let’s face it, none of the ‘normies’ get it), I’m writing this to you. I really don’t know what to do.

More me

Day 60.

I’m feeling really good 🙂

Things are up and down, but I’m slowly getting better at not identifying so much with passing feelings. I mean, relatively. I still have a long way to go but I definitely have improved!
So does this mean I am closer to being ‘joyful’ and not just ‘happy’?

I saw my best friend tonight and really enjoyed spending time with her. I was worried that we would have less and less in common, and our friendship won’t mean as much when she has the baby. But I was wrong. If anything, it makes the whole thing seem more possible to me, spending time with her. There will be a child in my life in a way when she has her daughter. I might even be able to have one of my own if Mr W and I decide to go down that road and if it happened to be a success.

Either way, life will never be all ‘up’. That wouldn’t work. There are always going to be ‘downs’ whatever they may consist of.

I think a big factor in feeling a bit calmer about all this was revealed to me yesterday when I saw my counsellor. She said what she was picking up from me was a desire to be clearer. ‘No shit’, I hear you cry! Getting sober, seeing a counsellor…it’s obvious I want to get clear. But I also want to be free (as much as I can be) from the other influences that were pressing in on me. Like the biological clock. The desire to fit in with other women I know who are, or are going to become mothers.

I want to be more me. To express more of myself. I like being me, I think, on some fundamental level. And I want to make sure that important stuff – decisions like this – come from me. Not pressure from outside, or my faulty thinking about my own worthiness or whatever. Authentic, real, me.

Tomorrow… I can almost guarantee more stress at work. It’s crunch time. Confronting my colleague. Well, my manager will be doing. But I have chosen (so far) to bring up the subject initially.
I don’t want to feel anxious, because logically, I don’t see why I should allow her that power over me. But it’s kind of a physical reaction and I do feel that way.
Let’s just hope I can be the authentic, real, me!