I’m feeling really good 🙂
Things are up and down, but I’m slowly getting better at not identifying so much with passing feelings. I mean, relatively. I still have a long way to go but I definitely have improved!
So does this mean I am closer to being ‘joyful’ and not just ‘happy’?
I saw my best friend tonight and really enjoyed spending time with her. I was worried that we would have less and less in common, and our friendship won’t mean as much when she has the baby. But I was wrong. If anything, it makes the whole thing seem more possible to me, spending time with her. There will be a child in my life in a way when she has her daughter. I might even be able to have one of my own if Mr W and I decide to go down that road and if it happened to be a success.
Either way, life will never be all ‘up’. That wouldn’t work. There are always going to be ‘downs’ whatever they may consist of.
I think a big factor in feeling a bit calmer about all this was revealed to me yesterday when I saw my counsellor. She said what she was picking up from me was a desire to be clearer. ‘No shit’, I hear you cry! Getting sober, seeing a counsellor…it’s obvious I want to get clear. But I also want to be free (as much as I can be) from the other influences that were pressing in on me. Like the biological clock. The desire to fit in with other women I know who are, or are going to become mothers.
I want to be more me. To express more of myself. I like being me, I think, on some fundamental level. And I want to make sure that important stuff – decisions like this – come from me. Not pressure from outside, or my faulty thinking about my own worthiness or whatever. Authentic, real, me.
Tomorrow… I can almost guarantee more stress at work. It’s crunch time. Confronting my colleague. Well, my manager will be doing. But I have chosen (so far) to bring up the subject initially.
I don’t want to feel anxious, because logically, I don’t see why I should allow her that power over me. But it’s kind of a physical reaction and I do feel that way.
Let’s just hope I can be the authentic, real, me!