Fail

Well that was a big fail.
By Friday afternoon I’d been feeling sooo wound up and I didn’t really know why. Not necessarily because of quitting the wine, but other things, life related things. My husband had been reminded by a friend that he had promised we would all go out to a local karaoke night on the Friday. He’d forgotten all about it and booked loads of work in on the Saturday morning so we couldn’t go in the end. But his friend was all ‘mate, you’ve let the side down! ‘ etc, and I guess that’s understandable if someone is letting you down… but I was so annoyed by the whole thing… that Mr W had expected I would just tag along in the first place. And then I couldn’t stop thinking that any kind of social event with us is about drinking, and I was fed up to death of having to consider all of that any time I want to quit drinking.

Also, nothing seems to be right at home. With Mr W being so busy at work now -his job is seasonal, it gets crazy busy in the winter- it feels like I get even less help at home with the general everyday stuff. Not that he helps much anyway,I might add. And we’re still in disarray after the loft conversion – his work seemed to get busy right after his recovery from the operation.

so I was sat at work on Friday afternoon, after a day of running  around whilst my colleague had been at the computer all day, thinking, mm,  I fancy a glass of wine. The stupidity! Because then husband phoned and asked what we were doing for tea, and should we have some wine, and of course I said yes!
So I basically had a bottle of wine over Friday night and last night and I feel rubbish. Giving up so easily hasn’t been my style so far. Doing 100 days turned into 400 and I was pretty pleased with that. But for some reason, there was something that was making me so tightly wound, I just gave in, as if that would be the answer to all the problems. Now I’m annoyed with myself.

I’m also feeling a bit rubbish physically –  the wine can’t have helped, for one thing- but on Thursday night, I was awake for about 3 hours with a pain in my right side, just by the hip bone. Now my stomach feels off, and I’m wondering about googling the symptoms of appendicitis. (Again! ).

I can start again today though. This can be another day one.
I’m going to meet my friend who had the baby this afternoon. Her partner has the day off so it means she can come by herself. I thought I’d better take the opportunity. I think she really needs a friend, she seems a bit lost. This seems to be the pattern of our friendship… I don’t feel supported by her (I feel she is insensitive regarding my fertility worries) but she needs me.
So I don’t know how it’s going to work out today, but I can give it a try I guess. Wish me luck.

God I feel awful. 😦

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10 thoughts on “Fail”

  1. I don’t know if your ‘God I feel awful’ is regarding your physical or mental state, or whether it refers to both. If it is mental, then I say forgive yourself. Let go. Be gentle with yourself. … You said just the thing here in your post – ‘I can start again today though.’ And you can. No judgments. No guilt. No anger. Just start again. … As for your Mr. W, not quite sure what to say. My gut says have a good fight. It sounds like some pressure needs releasing. But? My other thought is if you’re feeling more centered and happier with yourself, you might not be as grumpy about him. In other words? No advice on that one! *smile*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, Heya. Thanks, yes I am going to try to just let it go. And today is a new start. 🙂
      I don’t think it’s Mr’s fault – he really is rushed off his feet with work… just need to take it one day at a time and try not to stress about things.
      As for the physical, my plan is to ring the doctors surgery at 8 am tomorrow and try to get the soonest possible appointment, as this really has wiped me out!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs
    See your doctor, but I will say strange right side psi seems tone a common drinking issue.
    I had it and thought it was my liver, etc.
    We never solved it, and it resolved with sobriety.
    We think it was perhaps the start of a duodenal ulcer. Nothing drinking was helping.

    The hard thing is our addictive thinking tells us drinking is necessary for both fun (karaoke) and stress relief (too much work).

    In the end, it really doesn’t do much for either.

    I hope you feel better soon. Be gentle with yourself. Tell hubby you are bird running and need his support. It makes it easier.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I need to find a sober way of De – stressing that works for me. I was expecting my sober bubble to be enough, but I need better tools for coping with life.
      And I need to work out how to have fun, because I don’t seem to be very good at it. I wish I hadn’t stopped taking the antidepressants now… Ok, one day at a time, one thing at a time…phew.

      Like

      1. Yes. One thing at a tim. And, of course, you can always go back on the meds. Some chemical imbalances are just too much to overcome. That’s how I feel about myself.

        Fun is harder. In the last year I feel like I’m finally willing to do more and Not always just say I’m tired and stay home.

        It’s been eye opening. When there is fun to be had I actually have fun.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Waking Up,
    I am glad you are trying again. Learning how to deal with people, places and things is hard.
    I went back up on my anti-depressants and feel much better.
    As far as fun goes, I have it, but I find I do need to push myself a little bit right now to do something a bit different now and then.
    One day at a time for sure!!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks Wendy, it helps no end to know that others struggle with these things just as I do. It’s easy to convince myself that everyone else has it all figured out and I’m the only one who can’t seem to get it together.
    Thanks for commenting 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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