clinging on

Thanks for the comments yesterday, I really appreciate your kind words. Sometimes sobriety seems a flimsy branch to cling to when I’m being swept away and its hard to stick at it. But you’ll be pleased to know I made it to day 3. 

I’m aware that’s a Good Thing, and I am in some way proud of myself. But I can’t see just at the moment, that being sober is going to help that much. That’s the funny thing about sobriety, it doesn’t fix everything else. I have to do that. And currently, it’s the cycles of falling into despair and depression, and having to pick myself up again, that are just so exhausting. I don’t feel as though I ever get anywhere with fixing my life, other than right back to where I started.

Had a big talk with my husband last night. It was a real effort to get him to say anything other than the usual ‘there’s nothing we can do but wait’, and ‘you’re your own worst enemy, you should look at all the things you’ve got going for you’. It makes me angry just typing that! He thinks that because there’s nothing we can do, we should just forget it and wait. I pointed out that I’m still no clearer about the fibroid. The secretary won’t let me have an appointment with my consultant (!!!) So I’ve had to send the office fax number to my doctor at the private fertility clinic so that she can ask him. This small aspect of the whole problem is, in itself, playing on my mind hugely. I think Mr did finally begin to see that I need a bit more love and support. I hope he remembers.

Another thing is that every twinge of pain (I get them a lot now) reminds me that the endometriosis could be messing up my insides again. I had a day off sick a couple of weeks ago because the pain was so bad. It wasn’t even that time of the month. 

So, I’m sober, and husband and I are now talking, but life still feels empty. 

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3 thoughts on “clinging on”

  1. hey there. I’m sorry you’re struggling so. Wish I could give you big hug.
    My husband also didn’t (doesn’t) always understand the emotional journey with fertility struggles. It’s really hard! But everything you are feeling is valid. Of course you are feeling empty and down. It is such a rollercoaster and so out of your control and you want something very badly that right now you don’t have and that is all very very difficult. Self-compassion is huge. Try to love and soothe yourself to bits right now. And know that one day, you will feel better. Sending you love and hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am happy you had a talk with hubs.
    And happy you are sober.
    But I do worry about your depression, and the feelings of being empty.
    I can’t remember if you have someone you can talk to besides your hubs?
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

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